I need to leave my DP even though I love him - what should I do?

[DanaScully83]

Hi everyone - I think I've decided to leave my DP but need your advice on whether I am badly overreacting. Please be brutal as I'm so confused.

My DP and I have been together 2 years and I'm currently 7 months pregnant. We're both so happy about the baby and he has been incredible during the pregnancy.

But about 9 months ago I found out that shortly after we started dating he slept with another woman. Although we weren't living together at the time I thought we were very serious about each other. I'd also asked him if he had slept with anyone after we got together and he told me no. At the time I found out I was tempted to leave straight away. However, he convinced me to give it a go for a few months to see how things went. Next thing I found out I was pregnant (in very traumatic circumstances - I didn't know I was pregnant and only found out when I miscarried one of the babies). Although it wasn't planned (contraception failure) we were both very happy.

For the past few months I've realised that I have lost trust in my DP- what happened at the beginning of our relationship has really influenced how I feel about him. I've noticed myself questioning him more and worrying whenever he or I have to work away. There are no warning signs but I am driving myself crazy. I can't carry on like this and know that once the baby arrives it could be even worse.

I really don't know what to do. I love him so much but I don't know how I can ever completely trust him. I think the best thing to do is to leave him rather than driving myself crazy and pushing him away / making his life a misery by not trusting him. Please help me I really don;t know what is for the best :(

And yes - it's even more complex if he is a national of the country and you are not. If the baby is born there, he/she would presumably be a national along with its father and you would not be. Huge potential problem.

Thanks again everyone for responding. I'm really overwhelmed that so many of you have taken the time to give me some advice.

Sorry for drip feeding but didn't want to write an essay up front.

We're in New Zealand. I have residency here in my own right due to work and qualifications. I should also add I'm not financially dependent on DP. I actually got a job here with the company I worked for in the UK and was promoted a few months ago despite being pregnant.

It sounds like some form of counselling is a good idea. I'm also going to get some legal advice. To be honest even if we did split up I'd probably want to stay here, at least initially.

I know now is not the time for a rushed decision but will do everything I can to make sure I'm prepared either way. Ultimately if I can't carry on in the relationship I'd rather make the break sooner rather than later.

I'd be interested to hear if anyone has stated with a partner after cheating and if so how you rebuilt the trust?

Ok, the thing is that if you give birth there, it's not a question of being ok with staying there 'initially' - he could refuse to ever let you leave with your child.

Unless you are pretty certain that you want to make your life in New Zealand then I suggest you make plans ASAP to travel back to the UK - not sure if that is at ALL possible at your stage of pregnancy- to give birth. Or plan to travel out of NZ to give birth so your child is not immediately classed as resident then come back to UK for a period? Perhaps others can advise on this.

A quick Google tells me that it IS possible to fly in the third trimester as long as your pregnancy has no complications - different airlines will have different rules. If I were in your position I would honestly, even if it cleaned me out financially, book a flight to the UK NOW. Then you have options for the future.

Now isn't the time for a rushed decision on the relationship.

It very much is a time for a rushed decision on where you give birth.

How would you feel if you split in a year and he wouldn't consent to his child moving to UK with you? Would you be ok with making your life in NZ?

The answer to that might well be yes, but do consider it carefully. If your child is raised in NZ they will think of it as their home, so you might end up living there your whole life to stay close to them.

I could well imagine a father would not consent to their child moving to the other side of the world, so I wouldn't assume that he will let his child move away.

I would speak to a Solicitor with experience in this area asap to find out your position.

I think the sensible thing would be to come back to the UK to give birth, then if you still want to be either with him, or in NZ, then once the child is born move back.

Don't have the baby over there if there is any chance at all that you might not want to stay there permanently, either with him or without him.

Yes, you do need legal advice ASAP, especially regarding the Hague Convention.
If your baby is born in NZ and stays in NZ for any length of time, NZ becomes its "habitual place of residence" and it becomes incredibly difficult to move back to the UK (or anywhere else) without the father's permission.

Of course he might turn out to be deadbeat dad who doesn't give a shit, and who will sign off on you going back to the UK without him - but he might not either, and I wouldn't want to take that chance.

So whether or not you plan on living in NZ for a few years, it would STILL be a good idea to have the baby in the UK, and then work it out from there. Things change when the baby arrives, including your feelings - you don't want to be stuck somewhere.

3 months!

I'd get rid.