Am i Irrational?

[scotgal2017]

This could be a verryyy long story so will make it as brief as possible! background info, been with DH for 21 years, married for 17. have 2 kids, DD is about to be 14 and DS is nearly 11. Several issues through the years, up and down like a carousel! Main issues violence in the early years although DH seems to have that very much under control but obviously this makes me very wary about being very communicative about problems, something he seems to think I should be well over by now I think. After 17 years of marriage is now constant criticism on his part (seriously, I can't even boil an in egg in the right way, he's very vocal about how things should be done the right way, i.e his way!). I let it roll as that is the way he is, if he has a hissy fit about something and leaves the room, DH rolls her eyes, kids pretty much know the deal...... serious split at least twice and the main issue bugging me now is trust, which is why I am writing this post.

Hubby works away from home and we live in a foreign country. I am very independent so I have no issue about this. In Oct 2014, after 14 years of marriage, DH was away and decided to tell me that he has visit strip clubs and lap dancing clubs throughout our years together. Was a conversation he decided to have with me as other blokes had been discussing whether they tell their OH and he obviously decided he wanted to tell me. Well, went down like a lead balloon, not really for the fact that I think he shouldn't go (although this did hurt as he has been critical of body weight over the years even though he is no adonis lol). I hit the roof and we had a very heated argument via whatsapp, resulting in me losing my shit and going to town on him in every which way imaginable. He didn't realise how much he hurt me, and the biggest issue I had is that he felt he couldn't trust me enough to tell me he had been through the years.....to me that signals no trust.it took a long time but we worked on it and I learnt to trust him again, not to the same degree but trust was there..... I asked him to tell me straight up the day after if he went out to a strip club again, just be honest with me as I can't change what you've already done, and he agreed he would tell me.
Fast forward to September 2016, he was away working and I look at bank statement, a large amount of money used in a bar, googled bar and sure enough it is a strip club! He waited 3 days and it was only when I confronted him and blew my stack he said he had gone. Excuse was a friend's credit card wasn't working so he used his in an atm in the strip club to lend it to friend (never been in one, I'm not sure I believe they have ATM's lol!!), and also that he didn't tell me because he knew it would end up in an argument.
So again my issue was he was not honest with me, which is what I had specifically asked him to do in 2014.
My issue now is that I cannot trust him and I have told him this. Last weekend, away again working and it's a batchelor's party. He took out again a lot of money from ATM which was for drinks as the bars are expensive.......I lost the plot as I had had all night to wind myself up, didn't sleep and the day after he was so casual and wanted to get amourous by whatsapp (even though we are hardly intimate anymore), I gave him what for and said he has never grasped how muych he hurt me and how much it took to trust him again after the 2nd incident. It ended with him asking if he would get verbal abuse every time he went out and I responded with can't guarantee you won't and that it's your previous actions that have put you in this predicament. We have not spoken since yesterday and I am emotionally drained. It may well have been innocent but I can't stop myself getting paranoid and wound up every time her has a guy's night out.
So am I being irrational or does he get what he deserves for abusing my trust, not once but twice???

[scotgal2017]

Perhaps you would like to read the updated message Racmactac, we are separating and he is moving out when he returns from work in a few weeks..................... we are trying to do it as amicably as possible so that the kids are not affected any more than they already have been.......as stated in my message above it is the right thing to do because of our history and the affect it has on the kids, but that does not mean that it is not a hard process!!! Yes he's been a complete bastard but that doesn't mean that after being together so long the separation process doesn't hurt.

[SweetLuck]

It is definitely for the best, please do not doubt this!

[thestamp]

scotgal I'm so sorry for everything you've suffered. To be hit while pregnant is probably the worst of the worst. How absolutely dreadful.

I'm glad you are separating, but I know how it feels, the not sleeping, not eating, constantly going over everything in your head, it's excruciating. It WILL pass though.

Your job right now is to recognize that you're in a boat on a stormy sea, but that the storm WILL pass if you give it time. Equally, you can't make the storm pass quicker. All you can do is tie yourself to the mast, close your eyes, and hum a brave tune until things are a little calmer. It just takes time. That's all it is.

Don't speak to him about how you're feeling, don't turn to him to save you, none of that will work. All that works is time x

What I can suggest that really helped me is to continue to post here x I would suggest starting a new thread altogether, call is "DH is leaving, I need support" or some such, so that people can just offer support without having to read the whole thread to see your update.

Wishing you only the very best for a speedy recovery from this awful situation.

[LesisMiserable]

Mate, I dont think he will end up moving out at all because you two are stuck in this ridiculous side show of a thing that hasnt worked for 17 years!! 17 precious years of both your lives. You obviously both get something out of this negative cycle or it would have ended long ago. Attention? Drama? Feeling something instead of nothing even if its negative? You two simply are not happy which each other as people. You're together out of habit. So I hope this separation is real. Its going to take will power of steel not to fall back into your 17 year routine.