Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I cope with rejection on dating sites?

28 replies

user1498584827 · 27/06/2017 19:00

I am 24 and when I was 17 I had a bad accident with a chainsaw and my face has been very badly damaged ever since. So I have never been able to get a girlfriend so I have never really tried.

But I recently lost my Granddad and that has made me realize that I am not going to be around forever. So even if there is a 0% chance of me finding someone it makes sense to try anyway.

I did try it a few years back. Nobody wanted me (understandably). I remember seeing my best mate busy on his phone flicking through all the girls that wanted him and I was upset so I gave up. I'm just too afraid to try again.

Every man I know sees girls as sexual objects that exist only for their own pleasure. So they never have girlfriends they just 'use' them. When I ask them why they saw 'oh, I can't be bothered, sleeping with them is all they are good for.'

This makes me mad because I would give my right arm for a girlfriend. I am prepared to put the work in and be there for them when they are upset etc. Only sleeping with them wouldn't feel right to me. Maybe I'm strange.

One night my sister said no to sleeping with her boyfriend one night because she didn't feel like it. So he got really angry and smacked her. And she still goes running back to him!

So all the girls are queuing around the block to see those men but not me. How is that fair? It winds me up so much.

Sorry I go on a rant sometimes.

What should I do?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thefutureisbright2017 · 27/06/2017 20:55

Well you sound just lovely, I'm sure theres someone out there for you, women are a lot less about the visuals and much more about the person.... join a 'meet up' group locally, keep busy some girl will see you for who you are and see past any scars. SmileFlowers

MadnessAbounds · 27/06/2017 21:03

You might like to look at the story of Simon Weston, who survived the Falklands War with horrific burns. He is married with 3 children.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_Weston#Personal_life

It is who you are, not what you look like.

SleightOfHand · 27/06/2017 21:06

I agree, Meet Up groups are the way forward other than OLD anyway. OLD is truly awful IMHO. Are there any opportunities to meet anyone at your work at all.
Have you heard of the website Changing Faces?
www.changingfaces.org.uk/

SleightOfHand · 27/06/2017 21:08

Simon Weston came to my mind too MadnessAbounds

AccidentalMagic · 27/06/2017 21:10

You sound lovely OP. I'm sure there is someone out there for you. Do you have any hobbies or interest groups you could join? I think trying to make a connection IRL is the way forward for you.

forumdonkey · 27/06/2017 21:11

From your OP you sound like a genuinely nice guy. Does your profile bio read the same as it does here?

Mustang27 · 27/06/2017 21:53

You sound lovely in your op. I'm sure the right person is out there for you. That must have been horrific for you and at such a young age. Sorry for your loss.

I honestly have no advice as I haven't used old before sorry but honestly if you are as kind and lovely as you say you shouldn't struggle for too long you just need to get yourself out there in different ways.

HotNatured · 27/06/2017 22:01

People with 'undamaged' faces get rejected online dating too, I've had my fair share and I'm considered 'attractive', it hurt, a lot, at first but now I realise that fancying someone is way more than just what someone looks like, its a chemical thing and it goes much deeper than a perfect face. I take 'rejection' way better now but I think online dating is bloody awful in general, its all so hollow. I think it's far better to do real life stuff, join a group, as someone suggested, meet ups are good.

I've fancied some guys that other women wouldn't look twice at, but I wouldn't have picked them on a dating site, those guys have always been people I've meet in 'real life' that I have got to know and fallen for because we just 'click' and their personality was attractive to me. You sound lovely by the way and I'm sure you'll meet someone who deserves you.

We all lose our looks eventually anyway and then what? Having a wonderful personality will be with you for life.

MollyWantsACracker · 27/06/2017 22:17

I showed a pic of my dp to a "friend" and she turned her nose up, saying I thought you'd be with someone much better looking than him!
I looked at her like she had 2 heads. No, my dp may not make the front cover of a magazine. But he has a sabre-sharp mind, deeply intelligent, kind, absolutely loving, fun, sweet, thoughtful, adventurous - and- he's a great baker!
The right woman is out there- go find her!!! Best of luck, you sound great 👍🏻 Smile

ChainingDaisy · 27/06/2017 22:22

Not everyone sees the same things. My ex had very noticeable scaring from a dog attack on his face, I didn't care at all. Good luck, there will be someone out there for you.

Arealhumanbeing · 27/06/2017 22:36

It does sound like it would be better if you met someone in real life.

Also it sounds like a lot of the men you know are misogynists and have a low opinion of and worrying attitude towards women. At least one of them should be in prison (the smacking). It's not the norm.

Maybe a mixed gender meet up group would widen your circle and increase your confidence at the same time?

Arealhumanbeing · 27/06/2017 22:36

It does sound like it would be better if you met someone in real life.

Also it sounds like a lot of the men you know are misogynists and have a low opinion of and worrying attitude towards women. At least one of them should be in prison (the smacking). It's not the norm.

Maybe a mixed gender meet up group would widen your circle and increase your confidence at the same time?

noodleaddict · 27/06/2017 22:58

You do sound lovely and I also think you'd be better to meet someone in real life. I wouldn't recommend online dating at all. Join clubs, pursue your interests, get involved in local community activities, anything you can to get out and meet people. Also make friends with some nicer men. Good luck, I really hope you find someone.

LilyMcClellan · 27/06/2017 23:12

You might need a better set of friends if every man you know is a misogynist or abusive.

ShinyGirl · 27/06/2017 23:14

You need better friends

Groupie123 · 27/06/2017 23:16

Honestly just keep dating. Don't stop. If they don't want to progress then it's on them not you. Also try expanding your search to include more women. Be honest about your accident in profiles so people aren't blindsided by it. And above all else, have fun. Treat it as an opportunity to meet new people rather than put pressure on yourself.

SomeOtherFuckers · 28/06/2017 00:04

You grow a thicker skin and crack on.
It's not nice but it's necessary .

PinkCosmo · 28/06/2017 00:10

You're actually LUCKY, you're young, very very young and you have time to build up so much confidence before the age comes when you choose a life partner and settle down

I think that your scar will weed out people who don't SEE you, really see you. I don't mean shallow people as that's too simplistic. Probably there are women who'd date you, but you don't fancy them ! so you want the confidence to attract women that YOU are attract to. And this is why you're lucky to be a man. Because personality is a factor. Confidence is a factor. Be whoever you'd be if you were Brad Pitt. When you talk to strangers act as though you were Brad Pitt. That works for men!
Sadly not for women. All the confidence in the World doesn't make ugly women attractive to men, but men are lucky, they can learn over time if they study it and they are determined enough to become confident and then if their personality is attractive, they will be attractive.

I envy men this.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2017 03:56

Stay off of online dating sites. They are all bullshit. Start volunteering for causes that mean something to you, or join groups for activities you find interesting. Those are the kinds of places you'll meet quality women who will get a chance to know you and love you for who you are.

AdalindSchade · 28/06/2017 04:47

So you haven't actually tried to get dates online but you assume that women will reject you? Online dating is hard, for anyone. You can't go on a site and give up in a couple of weeks. You need to put the work in.
Looks are not the defining factor in attraction nor in online dating profiles. There is no reason at all why you won't have relationships if you put the effort in to finding one. Remember though that women fancying other men (even nasty men) isn't a personal affront to you and you aren't owed a relationship by virtue of being a nice guy. Your OP had tinges of that.

StormTreader · 28/06/2017 11:33

When you say "no-one wanted you", what were the girls like that you were messaging? Were you only messaging the 10/10 hotties?

My experience of online dating is that some guys who say "I want a girlfriend for more than just sex" actually mean "but I wont message anyone who isnt really conventionally attractive".

HotNatured · 28/06/2017 12:54

PinkCosmo's post is on point.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 28/06/2017 18:46

Good point about confidence Pink. A man can have extensive scarring but if he doesn't let it drag him down emotionally his personality will shine through and make him attractive. I once dated a man with a big scar on his face and, I'm not sure I should say this, but I actually found it sexy. He had confidence and a nice body though, and IMO the scar didn't detract. And recently I was looking at photos of fit ex-soldiers who had lost limbs and I thought many of them were sexy because they clearly hadn't lost their sparkle or their lovely toned physiques!.

PunkRockBunny · 28/06/2017 19:53

^ What she said above. Believe in yourself. Confidence is very sexy.

JennyJatton · 26/07/2017 11:56

I have to say that I have had a lot of such bad experiences too... But when I switched to the dating website from www.cupid.com/usa-dating.html it all changed dramatically. Maybe you should try some other dating services too, who knows...