Need to rant sorry

[minxthemanx]

DH has announced he is taking DS2, MIL and our dog to Cornwall October half term. We have often done this as a family with cousins etc, & had a good time. However this year nobody else is going, DS1 and I said we didn't want to go this year; v expensive and won't be fun without the others. (DH and Ds1 age 15 don't get on at all ). We are going to France for 10 days in summer, and do not need/can't justify expense of half term in Cornwall this year. However. DH will not accept this. He is adamant he is going, and has booked 2 bed cottage at place we normally go. Says he, DS2 age 11 and his mother are going. You might be thinking that's fine. DS2 has epilepsy. He cannot be in swimming pool/ walking along Cornish cliffs without v close supervision. DH is crap. Falls asleep all the time and has no idea what's going on. Last year he walked miles ahead on coastal walk, leaving his brother, SIL and me to supervise kids. I am very worried about the safety of DS2. Plus he will have done first term at secondary school, be knackered and want to hang out with new mates. DH just cannot see any of this. Ds2 will be bored to tears with grandma in 80s and father who falls asleep. It looks like Ds1 and I will have to go as well, even tho we don't want to. DH is being a selfish prat and I can't make him see. Have suggested he just takes mil but is insisting DS2 goes. FFS!!!

Well, DS2 is 11. If he doesn't want to go, and you don't want him to go, your husband cannot make him.
I mean, what is he going to do?
If he decides to drag a kicking, screaming DS2 to the car, then you can call the police.
If he threatens to punish DS2 for not complying, you will hopefully be able to tell him it is not going to happen.

If your DS2 truly doesn't want to go, then there's no problem other than the money wasted.

If he wants to go, tell DS2 to not go in the swimming pool or near cliffs. Don't let yourself be forced to do something you don't want to do.

Is ds2 his and your child or yours from a previous relationship. If it's the latter l would tell him to feck off he doesn't get to dictate what happens to your child

Both boys are ours. DH has long history of not understanding how anyone feels, and being incredibly selfish. Suspect Aspergers, with loads of other symptoms too; has finally, after 3 years of negotiation, agreed to see my GP this week to discuss referral. But that's not the point. Ds2 initially said he would go, but hadn'the thought about reality of no kids/new school/ need to chill at home and hang out with new friends. He now doesn't want to go but doesn't want to hurt DH feelings. I don't give a flying feck about DH feelings after years of his twattish behavior. Would suit us fine if he took mil to Cornwall for a week but he will not have it.

Any further discussions on this op ? If they are both your children then you can't really simply 'pull rank' as l suggested It sounds like your dh isn't very empathetic of your concerns either which is a symptom of asds if it turns out he has one. Very worrying for you though about the cliffs etc so l hope you sort something out before then even if it means you going against your will is temporarily lesser of two evils.

Don't know what that random word 'temporarily' was inserted there for..... am pretty sure didn't type that :/

If you and DS1 are allowed to say you don't want to go on this holiday, so's DS2. Your husband will just have to accept it!

He sounds hard work and you sound worn down. I hope you get somewhere with the GP.

He is very hard work. Both boys have medical issues and DH is just an arse at times. It's very wearing. However my lovely GP was great with him and has agreed to refer him for some assessment. He has now accepted (unhappily) that DS2 doesn't want to go to Cornwall either. So he is taking MIL and the dog. I'll miss the dog.

Am I the only one who thinks its the opposite of selfish to do what he clearly likes doing each year,accept you and DS1, dont want to go but still take DS2? DS2 is highly unlikely to fall off a cliff without your supervision op. Incredibly as it may seem most dads are capable of stepping up and taking responsibility when it falls only on them. I think you're being a tiny bit precious and selfish having an issue with him taking his own son on holiday, no?

Did DS2 say that or did you say it for him

Tell your son that the night before, he can decide. If he decides no then your husband can take mummy. If he decides yes then he can go.

Lesismis in normal circumstances I would agree with you. However DH has many, many times forgotten to give Ds2 his anti seizure meds, falls asleep for a couple of hours when he's meant to be keeping an eye , and has no idea what to do in event of seizure. I've gone thru it with him loads of times but on the last occasion he sat and ate a big packet of haribos and watched tv while Ds1 and I dealt with Ds2 seizure. Ds2 agreed to go to Cornwall as he didn't want to upset his dad. Is not as clear cut as most families and no I'm not being precious.

I don't see what your dh has done wrong. He wanted to go to Cornwall in half term as per tradition, and you didn't, so he went ahead and booked to go by himself.

He planned to take ds2 because ds2 wanted to go, although he has since been reminded by you of all the reasons why he won't want to go when the time comes, so has now changed his mind.

The safety aspect sounds like your way of justifying some pretty controlling behaviour; if you separated, he would have ds2 without your supervision. He doesn't sound like an uncaring father and would step up, with his mother's help, if you weren't around.

Looking at it from his point of view - he wanted the usual Cornish holiday so he booked it for those people who wanted to go. Your reaction to his decision seems extreme imo.

Ok that's one way of looking at it. I would love to have somebody share the responsibility of medical apts, medication, school issues etc. On the rare occasions he comes to these, he falls asleep (during an EEG test on Ds1 when he had brain aneurysm) and again before christmas when consultant came round to ward to report back on tests. DH was lying on Ds1 bed, out for the count. So the idea of a kid with epilepsy bombing in swimming pool with his dad supervising doesn't fill me with confidence. Apologies if that sounds controlling. Added to which this week in Cornwall costs best part of £1000, which we haven't easily got this year, as I've tried to show him. But yes he is entitled to do whatever he likes.

And rainy, this is this reason we haven't separated.

Suspect your life would be easier without 'd'h! What a selfish ***.

Rainy - it seems that you've ignored everything the op has said about her dh falling asleep, not supervising ds, ignoring money issues...You are perfectly entitled to your opinion, of course, but why comment if you are not going to listen to anything that's being said?

He sat and watched tv while you and your eldest dealt with the seizure?! That's so awful you poor thing :(

Naice, op described the money as 'hard to justify' in the original post, which doesn't suggest it's going to mean hardship or unpaid bills. They go every year. Why does she get to say that they can't go this year, what family money is spent on? I think booking a smaller/cheaper property for those people who still wanted to go was a good compromise.

Regarding falling asleep. He's their father. He's allowed to look after his own child unsupervised.

Well, you can separate. If your husband cannot reliably look after his son, then contact could be denied by a court or supervised. But you would need to be able to evidence the issues.

Minx you're an old timer on MN, quite disheartening to read your H still hasn't stepped up.

Rant away, just wish I had some helpful advice. How is he going to fund it?

Yes, he's allowed to be a terrible father rainy . Good idea to criticise the op and show a bit of support for this man who can't even look after his own children.

If you say so naice. Op is posting for opinions and I can't see anything wrong with either having or posting a different viewpoint to you.

I do think op has had an extreme reaction to her dh wanting to take a trip with his son.

There are plenty of women posting on here about partners who show zero interest in their children, yet a dad who wants to take his child on holiday with his mum is being called selfish. I don't get it. I suspect he'll step up if he's in charge. I think the best approach would be taking steps to facilitate the trip, getting ds2 excited rather than putting him off and so on.

Yes l too think maybe he would step up if in the driving seat. Sometimes if you oversee someone all the time etc they tend to fall back and let you get on with it, it's human nature. For example when my grown up SS lived with us l absolutely hated going on holidays, even short breaks and leaving him in the house. I was always convinced we'd come home to an empty shell or pile of rubble. He seemed incapable of turning anything off and was constantly leaving things cooking in the kitchen and then disappearing into his room and forgetting. He would also go out and leave the front door unlocked and so on. But somehow although l was far from happy with the state of the place on our return and it needed a major clean, no major disasters ever occurred. He said once when we were reminding him for tenth time to lock up properly turn things off etc. that he knew he was bad for stuff like that but when we weren't there it was different and he was far more careful etc.

Minx posted to vent not for opinions.

Seriously there is a very long history of her H and his utter inability to responsibly care for the DC - I think it's likely he just can't because he is genuinely incapable of true empathy/putting himself their shoes/take on responsibility for them.

Honestly it was even worse when they were younger, I wouldn't be separating from someone with the inability to keep my DC alive and risk them never coming back from contact one day.

Maybe you'll get lucky and DH and his mother will stay in Cornwall?

Suppose you'll miss the dog though....

Seriously. What positives does he bring since he's clearly not arsed to look after his own children enough to ensure their safety and well being.