Need to rant sorry

[minxthemanx]

DH has announced he is taking DS2, MIL and our dog to Cornwall October half term. We have often done this as a family with cousins etc, & had a good time. However this year nobody else is going, DS1 and I said we didn't want to go this year; v expensive and won't be fun without the others. (DH and Ds1 age 15 don't get on at all ). We are going to France for 10 days in summer, and do not need/can't justify expense of half term in Cornwall this year. However. DH will not accept this. He is adamant he is going, and has booked 2 bed cottage at place we normally go. Says he, DS2 age 11 and his mother are going. You might be thinking that's fine. DS2 has epilepsy. He cannot be in swimming pool/ walking along Cornish cliffs without v close supervision. DH is crap. Falls asleep all the time and has no idea what's going on. Last year he walked miles ahead on coastal walk, leaving his brother, SIL and me to supervise kids. I am very worried about the safety of DS2. Plus he will have done first term at secondary school, be knackered and want to hang out with new mates. DH just cannot see any of this. Ds2 will be bored to tears with grandma in 80s and father who falls asleep. It looks like Ds1 and I will have to go as well, even tho we don't want to. DH is being a selfish prat and I can't make him see. Have suggested he just takes mil but is insisting DS2 goes. FFS!!!

If you'd read the op rainy you would see that the post was to let off steam and have a rant rather than ask for opinions. There is a long history here which you maybe haven't come across before.

Minx - I am in a similar but different situation. Being the only one 'adulting' and providing the necessary care for the kids and the understanding and tolerance for a DH with their own issues.

It is destroying me. The need to direct the other parent fucking constantly but their attitude is defiant and selfish is killing every bit of happiness. I think unless you live with it you cannot possibly understand the self obsession and selfishness and also the extra work involved with a DH like this. My social life is non existent too. DH is hard to socialise with on top of everything else and if he doesn't want to do something he can't be bothered doing it. Total lack of internal motivation.

You have my total sympathy and best wishes.

Just say no. I wish I had done this more when I was married.

Rainy are you being deliberately obtuse??

No. Just because he is their father it does not mean he can look after them unsupervised if he has a track record of incompetence and neglect. Seizures can be life threatening. Do you not get that? Forgetting anti-epilepsy medicine?? Can you not see how very serious this is?
I would guess if social services were asked to assess his care as a father they would not be satisfied.

Are you the father Rainy?

And no. An adult with unmanaged and undiagnosed autism will not suddenly 'step up' if given sole care of two children with medical needs.

Would you suggest a child with autism will just pull themselves together if the Mum would stop mollycoddling the child?

People rant all over mn every day and it doesn't generally stop people from posting opinions.

Unaware of long posting history as not referenced in op.

Indeed, only concerns referenced in op were that dh falls asleep a lot and once walked very far ahead on a coastal walk; fourth post before medication issues were raised.

Op's main concern initially appeared to be her conviction that ds2 wouldn't want to go after starting secondary school :

Suspect Aspergers, with loads of other symptoms too; has finally, after 3 years of negotiation, agreed to see my GP this week to discuss referral. But that's not the point. Ds2 initially said he would go, but hadn'the thought about reality of no kids/new school/ need to chill at home and hang out with new friends.

He won't be in sole charge of two dc with medical needs, he will be caring for one dc along with grandma.

Except he won't, because dc2 has decided against going so all moot now.

People who post on threads without reading the op are really starting to piss me off.

The op said her DS has epilepsy and DH forgets to give him anti- seizure meds, has no idea what to do if he has a seizure, doesn't supervise him in the pool or on coastal walks.

Is this enough information to see how dangerous the situation is, and how stressful for the op? I think it is, but for some people it's just easier to wade in and start criticising. Why not take someone who is already feeling dreadful and make everything just a bit worse? What a good idea.

The thing is, in law, a child has a right to a relationship with both parents. But there is also the question of the welfare of the child.

The MIL may well be quite able and willing to dispense medication and look after DS2's additional needs. This information is not given in the OP, or else I missed it.

This is a separate point to whether DS2 wants to go. The social concerns about new friends etc seem to have been planted by the OP.

It is hard. I am in a contested court case over child safety issues. But part of your role as a parent is to promote the child's relationship with the other parent. The question is how to do it safely and manageably, when there are undiagnosed issues in the father (which is my case too) without putting the child at risk. A week straight off in Cornwall may not be appropriate; it does not mean nothing is.

I think where the waters are muddied here is the social issues which the OP seems to have raised, not the medical issues, which are her real concern, and for which she has grounds.

Just my tuppence. I think the berating of RainyApril is unfair. Leaving this situation is certainly possible. It is the OP's choice to stay in the marriage and try to manage DC' safety from that position. I am not saying if that is right or wrong, but it is a choice.

Cocoa says it much more eloquently than me.

Naice there are more people than op involved in this story and forgive me if on reading the op I thought also of a dad who wanted to take his son on holiday, and a son who (initially) wanted to go; none of the issues in your last post were raised in the opening post and were drip fed later or already known by people familiar with this poster's situation. I'm sorry you're upset by my opinion but luckily ds2 is no longer going so all sorted.

I see you still haven't read the post properly rainy; the epilepsy and problems with pool supervision and coastal walks were mentioned in the opening post, and the issues with the dp not administering the anti-seizure meds was mentioned very quickly after that (before your first post).

However, let it go. It doesn't matter anymore as, as you say, the ds isn't going.

I just WISH (some) people on here weren't so ready to attack and criticise, especially when it's obvious that an op is already struggling with a difficult and distressing situation.

Naice, if you think my first post was 'attacking' then you can't have been on mn very long.

Every other post of mine has been addressed at you and your tedious need to tell me off.

I've been here for donkeys years under one name or another and given hours of support and advice. On this we do not see eye to eye. It happens. I concede that I am unfamiliar with op's history and was only responding to this post. I've already apologised if my opinion has upset you. Please feel free to tell me one last time how wrong I am. I'm glad op has resolved the issue.

Not getting into the poster debacle, rant away! Op I think you are justified to have concerns especially considering age of MIL and your DH sleeping habits.

Are they driving down to Cornwall? How many hours is that in the car? I'd be bloody concerned if it was a long way and he has a habit of falling asleep easily.

Well if he's happy to go with his mum, and he finds the money in a way that doesn't affect the family finances then I guess they just crack on, and you have a nice week at home with Your boys.

Thanks rainy for now tediously telling me off.