thinking of divorce - need help

[sunnyjim]

long story coming up,

Dh and I have been married nearly 5 years - and we have one DS aged 2. Since Ds birth we've been going through some pretty rough times, tbh we had soem bad points before that too - we had to really work at our relationship but after we got married things seemed to be coming out in the clear and things where great for 3 years. Now its all crappy again.
DS has been pretty ill for most of his life so far which I know is putting a huge strain on us both - but right now I don't think I like DH much at all.
Its ntohing big, just those small thigns which never change and relaly grate /upset you.
example;
I've been feeling crap since monday - had to take the day off on tuesday as I could hardly move and had a temp of 40 degrees. I've had lots of illness's over this winter I'm sure at least partly because of the strain of DS being so ill as well etc. But they have all been 'proper' illness's not headaches etc. I've had 3 throat infections, mumps, confirmed flu (GP confirmed it) and D&V. This time on tuesday I dragged myself up to GP and he said I have viral menegitis!
So I'm off work for at least a week.

DH hasn't once asked how I feel, he has implied that I'm doing it on purpose, that me being ill so tediuos and boring cos it means he has to do more around the house and with DS. I was in floods of tears on tuesday morning because my head and neck where so painful and I couldn't open my eyes in to the light and he didn't even come in and check on me.
So what is this 'extra' he had to do around the house?
well tuesday is his day to drop DS off at nursery anyway so he did that. I picked DS up (having thrown up at home whilst getting dressed at 4pm to go out and collect DS)
I looked after DS during the night including being awake between 1.30 and 5.30am with DS and thorwing up myself at 11pm.
I got up with DS at 8.15am and took him to nursery on the bus for 9.30am
I collected DS at 3pm from nursery
I looked after DS during the night again and was up with him between 10.30 and 12.30
DH got up at 6.30am when DS woke and played with him -but failed to give him any milk or change his nappy until 7.15 when i heard DS crying and staggered downstairs. I took over, and again took DS to nursery on bus. I will pick DS up again today and because i am off work DH expects me to do the hsopipng, the washing, tidy the nursery, change the bedsheets, sort out the finances and do soem studying.

Last time I got ill I told him it would mean the world to me if he would show some concern especially if I am in so much pain I am crying - he said "If you are crying I just think you're putting it on and it can't be serious, I dont' react well to you crying"

I know its boring me being ill - how the does he think I feel at the moment FGS?!? viral sodding menegitis - its not like a mild headache!

Oh i forgot, he also pointed out that I won't be earning while I'm ill so that was inconviniencing him too.

theres other stuff, he constantly puts women in general down - he says he believes in equality but then he come sout with crappy stuff like when we were watchign and old 1950's movie and he said "thats how women should be, obeying their husbands and home in the kitchen" He wont' drop it either - I know (hope) he is joking but he doesn't get that its not funny and actually rather upsetting. He goes on about how crap all the women he works with are, and he sneers or is patronising if I do 'girly' things.

And then he wonders why I dont' feel like having sex - leaving aside the sick child, my own illness, and lack of sleep for the past 2 years (DS hasn't slept through yet due to illness) why would I want to have sex or feel good about my body/self when he puts women and me down all the time?

I just feel like I can't do this anymore, we have had some fantastic times and I still love him (Ithink) I amd crying right nwo at the thought of losing him but I can't live my life liek this.

crap, wanted to change my name for this and it din't work - i'm sure I'll now get loads of "you deserve it" replies from people so I think i'll just block off mumsnet, i dont' want more hassle right now.

So sorry to hear this The only thing I can think of is there someone who can come and stay (your mum, his mum) to help out when yoiu're so ill? Maybe he reacts badly because deep down he is stressed and worried abut you? If you think it goes deeper than that have you thought about Relate?

Why the hell would you think people say "you deserve it"? You are having a seriously crappy time and I hope you are able to look after yourself or get some help. Viral meningitis. Blimey. Could you not get someone to come stay with you (your mum or sister or a friend) to help out and at least do the nursery run.

I hope things get better for you.

God, sunnyjim, you're having a really rotten time. Can't think why you'd think anyone would say you deserve it!

No experience of your situation, but it really sounds like you need a break. I've no idea what's wrong with your ds (poor little love ), but it sounds serious. Do you qualify for respite care? Otherwise would second (third?) getting someone to come and stay and help. But I also think you need a serious talk with your H. Can you tell him how bad you feel and that you're considering splitting? If he knew the stakes would he go to Relate? You clearly can't carry on as you are. x

for you sunnyjim and at your dh he sounds like a selfish bd and hes lack of sympathy and respect for you is terrible you cant help being ill, i really hope you feel better soon and i don`t blame you for wanting a DIVORCE but only you can decide about that,
have you thought of marriage councilling? would he agree to that do you think? at the thought of you on a bus feeling so ill, have you no family or friends to help you

unfortunatly I don;t have anyone who can come and help - no family nearby and MIL came up 3 weeks ago for 10 days to help out with DS so i cna't ask her again - shes away anyway.
My mom works f/t and my dad i wouldn't trust to take care of DS at all! (not in a bad way just terminally absent minded)

I do feel crap/ill right now but honestly its the state of our relationship which is upsetting me the most. If I can't rely on the person who is suppoused to love me the msot to help me out when I have something like this going on then why are we together?

Lucyjones, he won't be worried about me - he never is. He's just pissed cos I'm ill again and it upsets his world.

pageturner - he refuses to go to relate because "they are crap" (he went with a previuos partner)

What about contacting your health visitor or surestart?

Blimey sunnyjim - you could be me! I was so ill over Christmas with an ear infection and although I got time off work I didn't get any time off stuff in the house! I still had to drop off and pick up DD, give her meals, put her to bed etc. And if I dared ask a "favour" e.g. could you please feed her, there was a lot of tutting and huffing and puffing and I'd just think "FGS" and do it myself!

It's so awful and you must feel so poo Your rship is under a lot of strain at the mo - DS being ill, you being ill, your DH being a pain in the bum! I think maybe you're over-thinking the other stuff re: putting women down because you're so pissed off with him (and rightly so!).

I haven't really got any proper advice because I go through the same sort of thing but every now and then I have a bit of a stress-busting fest and he realises I'm not superwoman. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it but there must be some way you can get through to him?

ps Can't think why you would think that anyone would say you deserve this

what about friends, could they at least do the nursery run for you
it sounds like you having such a bad time and your right your dh should be the one who you can rely on, after all you are married to him (in sickness and in health and all that)
very for you

From your thread, it's hard to see anything very loveable in your DH, and hard to see any signs that he loves you 'for better for worse'. He must be terrified at the moment - sick ds, and wife who he normally relies on to hold the fort sick at the same time so real danger he will have to cope on his own. Scared men can be really horrible and behave very badly. Because it would kill them to ask for help/admit they can't cope or are scared. My suggestions would be - immediate/short term - expect nothing from him while you are ill, just do waht you can for yourself and ds and ignore him. when you are a bit better, go to Relate on your own and work out whether this marriage has any future

"hard to see any signs that he loves you 'for better for worse'"

thats exactly how i feel, its like if I am happy, healthy, sex mad, watching my weight, keeping the house tidy, looking after DS and holding down a job then its fine. Drop one of those and he gets a bit narked, drop two or more and he actually doens't seem to love me at all.

I'm just so tired of trying to work out how to manage DH as well as DS

I find that last post shocking..

he doesn't sound very nice

Can't get past "I don't react well to you crying" - that pretty much says it all about his capacity for sympathy really. You're not a life partner, you're a convenience, and right now you're not being convenient so you're NAUGHTY. Incredible attitude. I'd be screaming in his face asking how he thinks I feel. He doesn't seem to think anyone but him DOES feel. Like those scientists who tell you earnestly that laboratory animals don't suffer because they don't feel pain the way human beings do.

Aghast... there can't be a future with someone who so totally lacks empathy for other people, surely.

Just wanted to see how you were feeling Sunnyjim

Are you feeling any better physically? Did you manage to get any rest? Have you had a heart to heart with DH yet? Divorce is such a big thing to contemplate before you've had a chance to talk things through...

thanks for all your messages, he was a little more sympathetic tonight - he actually asked if there was anything he could get me.

Basic stuff hasn't changed though, when I said I was tired of being ill and wanted a stronger immune system he said "you just have to exercise more" I know its silly but I was standing in the kitchen crying cos the painkillers had worn off, I havn't had a good nights sleep for 2 yrs and he was telling me to go out for a run?!?

Its such a simplistic bloody answer too - yes I know exercise helps. I walk or bike everywhere at the moment because of that! But I think lack of sleep, worry etc also play a part?

Hi Sunnyjim - just about to head off to bed but wanted to post and say I'm glad things are a little better.

His daft comments re: exercise are completely off the mark IMO. If you haven't had a good night's sleep in 2 yrs because of DS, no amount of running will help! I think (like most men) he just wants to give you the answer to the problem whereas it seems you just need a hug and to be told it will get better, you can have a lie-in on sunday etc.

Issues like your being ill and lack of sleep will have such a big knock on effect on your rship. It's hard to see straight when you're knackered and feel poo. Can you spell it out to him in the short-term exactly what you need? TLC, a good night's sleep, a pampering session. Tell me to bog off if it sounds too simplistic!

Will check back in tomorrow but hope you feel better xx

hi all, feeling a little better physically today. P gave me some extra strong painkillers which are helping. Had a long think last night - was going to try and talk to DH but got scared. Must pluck up the courage to do so tonight.
I realised that there are a whole host of niggles which bug me and make me feel tired/cross/upset about our relationship. BUT the biggest thing and the one that I don't think will change is his complete lack of exhibited sympathy.

I have talked to him about this alot over the past 8 years. I have told him it upsets me and makes me feel worse if he shows no sign of concern, I reiterated it last night when he said 'aaaaaw' at one point when he looked over and I was crying. (he was half joking but I decided to treat it as if he was seriuos). I just said "thank you, it really helps when you say something like that cos it makes me feel that you care and understand that I feel rotton. It actually makes me feel a little better physically too"

I decided that I would try and be more cheerful this morning and be pleasant to him as I know he hates it if I say that I feel crap. So when i woke up i didn't say a word about bein ill, I let DS bounce on the bed with me, smiled at them both and asked DH how his night had been. (it was DH turn to see to DS in the night)
Dh didn't answer me, he did this trick he has of giving jokey non answers so; me - "how was Ds last night?" DH - "he's happy now" me - "did he wake you up?" DH - ignores me me - "was it really bad then was he up alot?" Dh - "depends on what you mean by alot" me - "how many times did he wake up?" DH - "how would i know?" me - (trying not to sigh)"how many times did you have to o into him" DH - "I don't have to go into him at all" me - "did you go into him last night" DH (finally) "3 times"
what on earth is the point of all that? I do need to know if DS has been up during the night as it has a knock on affect the next day - also it can mean DS isn't feeling that well himself, DH knows this so why waste 10 mintes and get me all wound up by going round the houses like that?
DH then proceeded to ignore me while changing DS top
I realised he was going to take DS to nursery (he usually does on a friday but I thought he wouldn't because I was off work) so when I got downstairs I helped get DS bag ready and said "thanks for getting him sorted" DH still ignored me
Did he ask how i felt at any point? no
He dropped DS off and came back for his work bag and didn't say goodbye, or acknowledge me when he came back in. He didn't talk to or hug or touch me at any point.

I've no idea what he is sulking about THIS time. What gets me is he makes a big thing about me sulking (apparantly) and says it is childsih and doesn't get anywhere and then he does it himself. So me trying to be cheerful and help out a bit got thrown back in my face.

I'm just tired, 50% of the time I love him dearly and I know we have some great tiems together. We think alike alot of the time and we share alot of the same ideals and interests. But it seems like so much hard work, and I feel unhappy and stuck at least half the time. Everything I do I feel i'm being judged on, like being ill - DH thinks its my 'fault' because obviuosly I'm not exercising enough.

I don't know where to go from here, half of me is scared stiff, I can't imagine life without him. then I daydream and I can imagine it and its much calmer and easier. I thought of writing down all the stuff i like about him/ our relationship and all the things that I don't like and showing it too him - but I'm fairly sure that would just trigger a response from him in which he said hurtful things.
I read somewhere that you shouldn't try and change your partners basic personality - and his seems to be that he isn't good at relationships with other people. He can be very nasty and hurtful, he lacks sympathy or tact. He doesn't mean to be hurtful he just doesn't see why he should think about the effect his words have on anyone else. He will say "but your reaction is your problem not mine, i'm not responsible for you getting upset"
If I can't change that I have to decide if I can live with it - maybe before DS i could as we had quite independant lives and less need to rely on each other. But now - I don't think I can live like that.

Hmm - have a look at your conversation this morning from his POV. He dealt with DS in the night so you could get an undisturbed night's sleep. Brilliant! not all dh do that (do they girls?). AND he was taking DS to school! Unfortunately, you then started an interrogation of exactly how the night had been . When I was reading it I didn't know why you were insisting on all the details - couldn't you just accept that everything was fine and be grateful? I suspect he felt he was bending over backwards for you but you were checking up on him AND that he felt he was being confronted so he reacted in a confrontational way and it turned into a battle of wills. That's why he's sulking. He did what he thought would please you and expected you to be happy and grateful, and instead he got the third degree. What an awful shame and waste of a great start to the day!

A couple more hard-learned comments: If you tell a girl your problem she will sympathise. If you tell a man your problem, he thinks it's his job to find you a solution. Hence the (nuts!) exercise recommendation from him and all the sympathy from us!

He may be able to 'learn' how to be more tactful and sympathetic, but ONLY if HE really wants to. You can't do it to him or for him - if he doesn't see the point it won't happen. However, if he realises it will drive you away he might think it's worth making the effort. Good luck.

I guess I'm thinking why should i be grateful for him doing his share of childcare? its his child too! We have a standing arrangement that he does 2 nights a week and I do 5 nights. (this despite the fact that we both work f/t btw)
Same with nursery run - he does drop off twice a week. I do it 3 times a week plus all pick ups.

Maybe i did go on a bit but honestly it is important to know how DS has slept - he has an ongoing health problem and if he has had a bad night it can mean he is having a crises again. Why couldn't he just say "oh he was up a few times but he's okay now"

nowornever - why on earth should sunnyjim fallover with gratitude because her h looked after HIS child at night ONCE while she has viral effing meningitis? Surely it is the least he should be doing? Just to show the contrast: My dh is in bed today with a horrible migraine. He just got up and asked me if I needed a break and should he look after ds for a bit!
sunnyjim, your h sounds rather like he's put out when/because you don't 'function'. I have to agree with zippi and Anniegetyourgun. Tbh I don't think I'd have stuck it out this long with him.

It does sound to me as though he is is resenting something. Possibly because your main focus is now on your DS (rightly so IMO) and not on him. I am puzzled by some of his comments in your OP. He seems to want a SAHM but on the other hand he is complaining that you are not being paid when you are sick. If you are both working full time then I think he is getting off very lightly - why should you be getting up in the night more than him? But also look at what you are doing - do you let him get on with being a Dad or do you step in and tell him to do things your way. Maybe you are being too over protective of DS because of his health and your DH might feel shut out.

I think you have a point about writing down the good and bad points of your relationship, although I wouldn't show the list to him - I would just use it to clarify in your own mind whether or not there are enough positive things to make the relationship worth saving.

I wouldn't do anything hasty at the moment because things do tend to look worse than they are if you're not feeling well.

If you've got a few hours today before picking up DS and DH coming home I'd make the most of it and have a bit of a snooze.

Hi Sunnyjim. It did make me laugh reading your posts because it's so long the way that DH and I carry on!

I think Nowornever's advice is absolutely fab and she's got her finger on the pulse as far as the male psyche is concerned. Not too much to add except that it sounds like you and your DH have got bogged down with the day-to-day routine and all the gripes that go with it - not unusual in couples with young kids, particularly where your DS has health problems.

I'm afraid I have no answers - I struggle daily with this type of issue. Talking and open communication is the key really. If we do have a gripe/sulk with each other, I try to make sure we take a breather from each other and then sort it out when we're both calm. The calm only usually lasts a couple of days but it's lovely while it does!

sorry - I mean it's so like the way DH and I carry on

spoke to my dad and have arranged to swap houses at easter so they will look after DS and we get two days just the two of us. Then we can try and reconnect as a couple.

We've emailed each other a couple of times today and I think we're going to have a chat tonight. what I want to say is;
half the time I love you deeply like you more than anyone else and cna't imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my life, we have great times talking and hanging out and we share so much in common. I want to increase that 50% to be more of our relationship cos when its not like that I feel crap and miserable and think we need to split up because it can be so upsetting. What can we do to increase the good and decrease the bad?
Then I'm going to suggest we both come up with 3 GOOD things we do together / like about our relationship and a way to icnrease them, and 3 BAD things and ways to decrease them. No judgements no shouting, just an agreement we'll both work on 3 things that drive our partner nuts!

So if he would like me to be less ill, then he agrees to try and be more sympathetic. If I want him to be more tactful I have to agree to try and be less mood swingy.

let us know how it goes - best wishes