thinking of divorce - need help

[sunnyjim]

long story coming up,

Dh and I have been married nearly 5 years - and we have one DS aged 2. Since Ds birth we've been going through some pretty rough times, tbh we had soem bad points before that too - we had to really work at our relationship but after we got married things seemed to be coming out in the clear and things where great for 3 years. Now its all crappy again.
DS has been pretty ill for most of his life so far which I know is putting a huge strain on us both - but right now I don't think I like DH much at all.
Its ntohing big, just those small thigns which never change and relaly grate /upset you.
example;
I've been feeling crap since monday - had to take the day off on tuesday as I could hardly move and had a temp of 40 degrees. I've had lots of illness's over this winter I'm sure at least partly because of the strain of DS being so ill as well etc. But they have all been 'proper' illness's not headaches etc. I've had 3 throat infections, mumps, confirmed flu (GP confirmed it) and D&V. This time on tuesday I dragged myself up to GP and he said I have viral menegitis!
So I'm off work for at least a week.

DH hasn't once asked how I feel, he has implied that I'm doing it on purpose, that me being ill so tediuos and boring cos it means he has to do more around the house and with DS. I was in floods of tears on tuesday morning because my head and neck where so painful and I couldn't open my eyes in to the light and he didn't even come in and check on me.
So what is this 'extra' he had to do around the house?
well tuesday is his day to drop DS off at nursery anyway so he did that. I picked DS up (having thrown up at home whilst getting dressed at 4pm to go out and collect DS)
I looked after DS during the night including being awake between 1.30 and 5.30am with DS and thorwing up myself at 11pm.
I got up with DS at 8.15am and took him to nursery on the bus for 9.30am
I collected DS at 3pm from nursery
I looked after DS during the night again and was up with him between 10.30 and 12.30
DH got up at 6.30am when DS woke and played with him -but failed to give him any milk or change his nappy until 7.15 when i heard DS crying and staggered downstairs. I took over, and again took DS to nursery on bus. I will pick DS up again today and because i am off work DH expects me to do the hsopipng, the washing, tidy the nursery, change the bedsheets, sort out the finances and do soem studying.

Last time I got ill I told him it would mean the world to me if he would show some concern especially if I am in so much pain I am crying - he said "If you are crying I just think you're putting it on and it can't be serious, I dont' react well to you crying"

I know its boring me being ill - how the does he think I feel at the moment FGS?!? viral sodding menegitis - its not like a mild headache!

Oh i forgot, he also pointed out that I won't be earning while I'm ill so that was inconviniencing him too.

theres other stuff, he constantly puts women in general down - he says he believes in equality but then he come sout with crappy stuff like when we were watchign and old 1950's movie and he said "thats how women should be, obeying their husbands and home in the kitchen" He wont' drop it either - I know (hope) he is joking but he doesn't get that its not funny and actually rather upsetting. He goes on about how crap all the women he works with are, and he sneers or is patronising if I do 'girly' things.

And then he wonders why I dont' feel like having sex - leaving aside the sick child, my own illness, and lack of sleep for the past 2 years (DS hasn't slept through yet due to illness) why would I want to have sex or feel good about my body/self when he puts women and me down all the time?

I just feel like I can't do this anymore, we have had some fantastic times and I still love him (Ithink) I amd crying right nwo at the thought of losing him but I can't live my life liek this.

SJ he sounds very much like my ex H. This type of thing was just one aspect of what went wrong with our relationship so I don't want to suggest that splitting up is the only way.

We both worked ft with two young children and after DC 2 I was ill for a while nothing quite like yours but more chronic stuff - it turned out to be thyroid, fibroids and anaemia plus various bouts of food poisoning.

His reaction to this was to become impatient, roll his eyes and expect me to take and collect DCs to nursery (at that time they were in two different places) if I was off sick.

Once on my way to work I felt really ill (dizzy and faint) and although he came to get me he made me feel very uncomfortable about it. He would also go away on business without compunction if I or DCs were ill!

Also preached equality whilst disparaging women and anything girly. I think that was just a convenient way of letting himself off the hook. If I ever asked him to do any DIY he would say I was being sexist - well perhaps I was.
He used to say he would never give any women any special treatment, that included his wife! Forget that I thought what about compassion and sympathy for a fellow human being. I also felt that he was very dispassionate when the DCs were ill.

I do sometimes wonder if I totally misunderstood him but in the end this type of thing combined with many other problems lead to us splitting up last August and we are now divorced.

I am much happier although his attitude still bothers me.

eg he has just looked after the DCs for three days whilst I have been away. For ease he stayed at my house (weird) - the first thing he said when I rang to speak to the children was why had I not cleaned the tumble dryer and why wasn't there any food!! Also told the kids that their house was a pig sty (basically we moved in Jan and as its alot smaller house I still have alot of clearing to do).

But I work ft and don't have much spare time for extra chores. He used to moan like this when he came back from overseas business trips and never gave any credit for what I had been doing ie looking after two young children alone - I could just about tick over.

He also never used to get up at night for the children and then used to complain about how tired he was!!

So just to let you know that you are not alone. Hopefully you can retrieve things if you want to. But as you say people don't change their basic personality type.

citylover, that does sound like my DH. Things are a bit better today. But that is usual, as I get a bit better he warms up again. So I forget about how awful it is when I'm ill.

It feel stupid when there are people out there in abusive relationships but I guess I am wondering if an amicable split would help us maintain a decent relationship as friends and co-parents. We've always been good friends and if I wasn't thinking of him as my 'partner' ie the person I relyed on to help me through the bad as well as the good, maybe life would be nicer for us all!

Our sex life is crappy too and there's some pretty deep rooted issues going on there that after 2 years of talking we don't seem to be able to sort out. I'd like to resuce the good bits of our relationship but maybe the only way to do that is to accept that the other parts and being partners/lovers just doesn't work for us anymore.

DH does have a thing about tidyness and we have huge arguments about it - too long and complex to go into here, he also won't let me do any DIY although I enjoy it because "it has to be done right".

sounds like you have already done some serious thinking - have you thought of going to counselling on your own? Just to be sure of how you are feeling before you make any big changes?