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Original poster

If it's hard work, it's not worth it..... right???

31 replies

LardiBacardi · 27/06/2017 11:14

I feel very pathetic writing a thread about this but I hate ending relationships and always regret it immediately afterwards

Which is what's happening now...

I've only been seeing the guy 5 months. Initially all was good but it's been very up and down and a lot has happened in such a short space of time.
I'm guilty of over investing (bad habit of mine)

We do get on well, have great sex, fancy the pants off each other and share similar interests but something appears to be missing. We've already had a few little arguments (eek!) and have already had a conversation about whether we think it's going to work or notHmm

So why do I feel so gutted it's over and like I'm going to regret this ?? I feel like an 18 year old again!

Someone hopefully can give me a massive mumsnet slap!

OP posts:
Popchyck · 27/06/2017 11:22

What do you mean, a lot has happened?

Everyone is different. Up and down all the time is really not for me. Don't have the energy for it. So I'd be finishing it for good.

You talk about the relationship a fair bit. But not about him. No "I love him, he's funny and kind" or anything like that. That alone gives me the impression that the relationship won't last.

If you had to write a sentence about him and how you feel about him, what would it be?

earthangel797 · 27/06/2017 11:25

What prompted the conversation about whether it was going to work or not and what did you both have to say about that?

Sometimes even though you know something isn't meant to be you can still feel sad and full of regret because this time you wanted it to be right. Maybe you are just feeling disappointment rather than regret that you are letting the right one go? Just a thought.

JustArandomUser · 27/06/2017 11:26

At 5 months in, if it's not plain sailing and appears to looking like that's the norm I'd probably be jacking it in.

lanouvelleheloise · 27/06/2017 11:29

I think you need to do more digging around what this elusive "missing thing" actually is.

ALL relationships are hard work at times. I'm not sure a couple of arguments and a conversation about where things are going are telltale signs of failure. But clearly something is making you feel that things just 'aren't right'. What is it? A bit of reflection on this might be really useful. It might be something fixable. It might not.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/06/2017 11:33

Relationships should not be hard work.

Little gripes when getting to know each other are understandable.

But if you have to 'work at it' then I don't think you are compatible.

Original poster
LardiBacardi · 27/06/2017 11:35

Really helpful replies actually

The conversation was prompted because we both mutually agreed, at times, it didn't feel 100% right but we couldn't work out why. As all the boxes were ticked and we both got on well.

It's just felt really up and down, one minute I feel like we are having an amazing time and the next we aren't sure if it'll work.

Definitely agree with the disappointment comment as I did want this to work. As did he.

He feels comfortable, like I've known him years. I can be myself and I wonder if maybe it's all just been rushed? Maybe we've skipped the fun part and gone straight into being like a long term couple too soon which has killed it .... just pondering.....

OP posts:
Popchyck · 27/06/2017 11:42

What are the arguments about?

Original poster
LardiBacardi · 27/06/2017 12:12

Tends to always be once alcohol is involved .... quite often silly things where I'll take something he's said the wrong way. Never anything major.

OP posts:
PollyPelargonium52 · 27/06/2017 12:22

Op is he quite forthright in his opinions as he may be more brazen than you and you are more sensitive. A similar thing has happened to me with a man friend he is quite blunt and gobby and I struggle with it. I take what he says to heart when it is perhaps not meant that way.

I think we are all made differently that is the problem.

PollyPelargonium52 · 27/06/2017 12:23

We have also felt up one minute and down the next with this friend so I have suggested meeting up once a month only just to keep in touch! No answer from him as yet ....

lanouvelleheloise · 27/06/2017 12:23

"Maybe we've skipped the fun part and gone straight into being like a long term couple too soon which has killed it"

I think this is maybe an unhelpful way of thinking - because it suggests that any relationship that lasts is going to be boring! Smile That's not actually the case. But it does point to something important: you're not finding this 'fun'!

There's two ways of looking at this. Firstly, relationships should always have a sense of fun. Everyone has hard times, but those should feel external (e.g. illness) not internal to the emotional dynamics. Secondly, fun is not always mad screaming incredibly high up-ness. You do not have to be leaping up and down on Oprah's sofa in a manic state to be having it. There can be calmer, but deeper senses of wellbeing and good humour. Sometimes what is most damaging is the expectation that fun looks like this - because what it tends to lead to is a mad kind of oscillation between high and low states.

With the alcohol: is this a vulnerability issue? Would you take comments badly from ANYONE who was close to you in that state? Or is it this particular guy? Answering that question honestly to yourself may be really key here.

Finally, doubt is not necessarily bad at the start of an adult relationship. Not everyone knows instantly that something is right, or always feels 100% convinced. Sorting out doubt that's founded from doubt that isn't can take time and quite considerable judgement.

Original poster
LardiBacardi · 27/06/2017 12:30

What a thoughtful and insightful reply Lanouvellehelouise! Thank you. In reply to your question; I probably would be more sensitive to comments once I've had a drink! And also, unfortunately, braver than usual to say something about it! Which is where the problem lies....

Polly - your situation sounds v.similar. He is very brazen and what you see is what you get with him. He will say how he's feeling quite openly

OP posts:
user1471441613 · 27/06/2017 12:31

I really feel for you...I'm in the same boat with a 9 month relationship ending because although we get on really well, amazing sex and have a great time together - there is something missing. And the missing thing is that we want different things and have such different lifestyles.

When we are in our bubble everything is great but just not compatible.

Its very hard, I'm not over it at all because there is no real reason for the break up - like us not getting on or someone meeting someone else.

FetchezLaVache · 27/06/2017 12:42

I had a relationship like that in my 20s - got on amazingly, would have done anything for each other, made each other laugh, mind-blowing sex - but we couldn't quite bring ourselves to fall in love with each other (were together for nearly 2 years) and if I'm honest, the thought of growing old with him made me feel slightly depressed. I think it's entirely possible that a relationship can be "not right" without actually being "wrong" in any tangible way, do you think that's what you've got here?

lanouvelleheloise · 27/06/2017 12:55

"in reply to your question; I probably would be more sensitive to comments once I've had a drink! And also, unfortunately, braver than usual to say something about it! Which is where the problem lies...."

Well, I guess there are further questions, which may be difficult to answer honestly. Are you being oversensitive, i.e. taking offence where none at all is meant? If so, then maybe there is something t work on with your self-esteem there, which will affect ANY relationship you're in (because there isn't anyone on earth who won't say something that can be misinterpreted in the course of an evening).

Of course, it could alternatively be that you're reacting to actual triggers, things that are being said that really do have a bit of an edge to them. And that you're seeing something in this guy that you don't like, but only reacting to it when drunk. In which case, this isn't so much your problem as his!

Maybe figuring out which of these is going on (and sometimes it might be a mixture!) would be helpful? The former might mean this relationship is fine; the latter could mean it's already dead in the water.

I also think that some degree of anger/annoyance/arguing isn't a problem in a relationship, provided there are really good resolution mechanisms. Of course, this is a statement that needs instant qualifiers: an anger problem, rage, or any kind of emotional threat are instantly unacceptable. But rare or occasional cases of mild disagreement aren't necessarily a sign that something is failing.

Original poster
LardiBacardi · 27/06/2017 13:06

User - such a shame isn't it. And so frustrating!

Fetchez - yes, quite possibly what I have here. The thought of growing old with him doesn't make me depressed but I can relate to the rest of what you said.

Lanouvelle - definitely think it's the former. I think once I've had a few drinks (Blush) I definitely say things I wouldn't say when sober and it probably triggers the arguments. Usually because I've over reacted to something. So definitely agree it's something I need to work on.
But can't help but think that if this relationship was right then it wouldn't happen as haven't experienced it to this extent before....

OP posts:
user1471441613 · 27/06/2017 14:39

Yes it is a shame...its hard to know whether to hang in there or not.

If you continued things with him for a while to see how things pan out, do you see risk to yourself emotionally?

In my case, he was going through a bad bout of depression and now seems to have come out the other side. And when he is feeling good, everything is great. But the lows were not good.

I think in a way, things shouldn't be this hard in a relationship? It should just work but then at the same time, its so hard to find a connection with someone - walking away is very hard!

Original poster
LardiBacardi · 27/06/2017 14:52

Exactly user. I feel this way.
Seems hard work but also hate to think I'm throwing something away which could be really good in time

OP posts:
user1471441613 · 27/06/2017 15:18

Hang in a bit longer then if you are unsure?

TheNaze73 · 27/06/2017 15:47

Why don't you go back to dating once a week or so & see how you feel in a couple of months?

Original poster
LardiBacardi · 27/06/2017 16:20

Naze, good advice. I have considered this

OP posts:
Reow · 27/06/2017 16:33

I've been with DP almost 7 years. First 2 years were really really tough for lots of reasons.

The last 5 have been amazing and i'm so glad we worked through it.

PookieDo · 27/06/2017 16:42

This sounds like it's just not quite the right fit and only a few months in, your actual personalities begin to show: when you first meet someone you are putting on your best front. This isn't sustainable forever and parts start to seep out: like jealousy, or spiteful digging comments. But you are still in a sex haze so you don't always see those little niggles a lot of the time.

You say you are over sensitive but it could also be he is a very irritating drunk man who causes offence. And he may never change that part of himself. I don't see why you are worrying you are the one who has got upset has he apologised and tried to not do this again?

I've never argued with DP but I have felt annoyed with him more than once. I know it's me/my issue when it happens though because I usually work through my thoughts of annoyance by myself and get over it pretty quickly (like him being late for example) also when I see him, a lot of the annoyance I had just vanishes not intensifies. So I know I am impatient and he is not going out of his way to irritate me. But in your case it's not clear whether he is an irritating man who you are overlooking his incompatible parts because the honeymoon phase is blinding you

PookieDo · 27/06/2017 16:46

Also stop going out drinking with him it doesn't sound like this is working out. Relationships that falter due to drinking behaviours are quite common but easily solved by drinking a lot less or finding new ways of socialising. I can be a very annoying drunk and I don't like myself much when drunk so DP and I do not really drink much at all and there is no risk of these kinds of incidents happening.
If not drinking sounds boring to you then this could be a big factor in what's going on here

user1495025590 · 27/06/2017 16:51

we both mutually agreed, at times, it didn't feel 100% right but we couldn't work out why. As all the boxes were ticked and we both got on well

I think you are both overanalysing.Maybe you think it is almost too good to be true and sabotaging it so you don't get hurt?