Why does he say to stay when he wants me to leave?

[Wombatwombat]

My husband of ten years told me several weeks ago that he wasn't happy and wanted to be by himself.

He said he would move out but hasn't done anything about it. When I try and make practical arrangements like me moving out of proceeding with a divorce he gets defensive and says let's just stay together then, it's easier.

Why does he do,this?

I was always a confident, independent young woman. Years of gaslighting, emotional and physical abuse by my exH left me an absolute shell of my former self. Nearly 20 years ago after his cheating, I had the wake up call I needed, left and have never looked back. I don't mourn that horrific, wasted time. I get on with living a happy, confident life, surrounded by loving people. Wishing you strength and hope for a happy future.

Don't be angry at yourself.
You'll swing from one emotion to the other
But know that YOU are worth more than what he is offering you.
He's a coward and a cruel coward at that

Take your power back.

Thank you so much for giving me the strength to leave him. I am looking for a place to move too but until then I will avoid him and disengage so I'm not drawn back into his cruel and nasty games.

well done
Be strong

Well my husband has had a complete turn around. Suddenly full of remorse and not wanting to split after all.
He is now also suggesting we do something that I've wanted to do for a long time that he was always resistant to doing!
Is it possible it didn't work out with the other woman- if there was one? And he's just keeping me hanging on as a back up.
I need my strength!!

"I've contacted a solicitor and sent him a message that he needs to provide me with information on his pay / bank balances etc. "

Hes had advice and been told exactly how much he will have to give you. It was a lot. He now wants you to stay.

Well if you can go to therapy
He tells the whole truth and you both work on your marriage together because you BOTH want to then maybe

Literally if he turns around and says no to counselling then you've no hope and he's just playing you.
Not sure I could forgive someone for being so bloody cruel though
And everything will resurface if you don't deal with it now

"Reading all your replies has given me a good insight into what shit I have been tolerating."

Don't forget this. He's changed his mind because of his own self-interest, not because he loves you. If you take him back your relationship will be a ticking clock until he decides to keep you firmly in your place and striving for his approval leave again.

Stay strong. He's messing with you.

Is he no longer embarrassed to be seen with you then? No longer going to put you down?

Strongly suggest that, due to his recent actions, you still remain in separate rooms and ideally arrange separate housing, get the legal advice etc. While you consider - at your leisure - whether to give him another chance. If he is genuinely remorseful he will respect you, give you space, and do whatever it takes. Chances are (sadly) he just wants to continue to treat you like shit and stay with you, for now.

You also need "full disclosure" about OW.

Please do look into counselling for yourself.

Well he thought the grass was greener and guess what?
It isn't.
Tough shit.
He's told you exactly who he is.
He won't change.
This is to reel you back in.
He's a manipulative shit.
Just read back all your posts on this thread.
He's a cunt.
Don't fall for it!

Wow! Thanks for the reality check all. His cruelty continues by offering me the one thing he knows I want as some sort of bargaining tool. Very mean.
His emotional manipulation methods are highly developed- he was even playing the victim last night suggesting that he can't bare to come home as I'm so upset!
Wonder why!
What phrases can I use to fend off his manipulation techniques?

You're being utterly used.
Get rid of him.

My exh did this, offered me the thing I'd always wanted, turns out that after I decided to give it another go - the 'thing' never materialised

Stay strong and remember all the horrid nasty things he's said and done. Is going to stop that too! I v much doubt it

Only you can really know your own boundaries.
Often people go back. as thebluedog says it's highly unlikely that the things you want will materialise
And really sit and think about why the "thing" you really wanted to do never happened before? If you love someone you'd probably make an effort to do something someone else wants to do, it's being part of a team. Wanting to make someone happy.
And playing the victim is standard ploy.

Just analyse the reasons for all of his actions, good and bad.

He can see his power slipping, sounds very emotionally abusive to me.

A good way not to be manipulated is to take a proper break from him and not be in contact.

Loopy is right. You won't see clearly unless you get space. If he is genuine he'd give it to you

I cannot actually believe this! My husband said to me last night that his 'solution' to the problem is that we can stay together- but as housemates. That he doesn't want to have a physical relationship but we can stay in the same house. That this would make me happy!
Essentially I would be his housekeeper.
I am shocked that the man I married actually thinks that I have so little self respect that this would be acceptable to me.

That's exactly what mine thought. In fact tho you're wrong. He's not thinking about you at all. Only himself. Doesn't matter how outrageous it is. He's just seeing if he can get away with it.

Disgusting. Set him straight.

Bin his stuff up. Change the locks. X

What an utter dick head
You're really seeing him for who he is

What a charmer.