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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does he say to stay when he wants me to leave?

74 replies

Wombatwombat · 26/06/2017 16:44

My husband of ten years told me several weeks ago that he wasn't happy and wanted to be by himself.

He said he would move out but hasn't done anything about it. When I try and make practical arrangements like me moving out of proceeding with a divorce he gets defensive and says let's just stay together then, it's easier.

Why does he do,this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Wombatwombat · 27/06/2017 09:39

I know that what you are all saying is right. We have been sleeping in separate rooms but then he asked me to sleep in his room last night. Is all this just pity for me? He's too weak and selfish to actually end things so wants me to do it? But then feels bad when he realises the consequences. I've asked him if he is having an affair but he denied it.
I just want him back!

OP posts:

Teddy6767 · 27/06/2017 09:41

Why on earth do you want him back when he's treating you so badly? It's like he's picking and choosing when he wants to have you around. That kind of control in a relationship is seriously bad news. He clearly doesn't think anything of discarding you when he's bored and had enough

expatinscotland · 27/06/2017 09:42

'We have been sleeping in separate rooms but then he asked me to sleep in his room last night. Is all this just pity for me? He's too weak and selfish to actually end things so wants me to do it? But then feels bad when he realises the consequences. I've asked him if he is having an affair but he denied it.
I just want him back!'

Of course he denied it, but I'm over 90% sure he is. You're doing the pick me dance. Yeah, he's weak and selfish. You're not getting him back because he's a cheating dick.

Hermonie2016 · 27/06/2017 09:46

I know it's really hard to take steps to leave but staying and putting up with the scraps he throws you won't change his feelings for you.
He will actually respect you less and treat you worse.

Do you have children? First step is to see a solicitor and then tell your H that you don't like the way you are being treated and will end the marriage.I suspect the reality of divorce and having to split finances motivates him to keep you there.

Don't however do it as a threat to make him come back, do it for yourself.No one, especially your husband, should treat you like this.

Get counselling if you need it.

Thebluedog · 27/06/2017 10:04

He's having his cake and eating it I'm afraid.

Move out yourself and anything that you can't sort out without his assistance, do it via a solicitor. Take control, it will make you feel better - honest.

He's being a cruel prick!

Original poster

Wombatwombat · 27/06/2017 10:22

Oh my god. I am doing the pick me dance- I was trying really hard not too! I haven't begged him to stay or anything, I've just said that I don't want to end the marriage. But I guess if I am hanging around while he treats me like shit I am rapidly losing any respect he has for me( and my own self respect as well)
I hate this.

OP posts:

Ginlovinglady · 27/06/2017 10:40

Nothing is going to make this easy for you
It's hard admitting to yourself that a person you love is not on your side.

I'm sorry. I did too much time of this myself, it erodes you fundamentally. In the end I was some mad bitter crazy lady

And I know I'm not that person deep down.

Control of yourself is the only thing you have right now. Use it.

he knows that you'll stay and accept what ever he throws at you. And it will get worse I'm afraid, much worse. It always does, unless you take control.
He doesn't want to make any decisions that's clear

ExplodedCloud · 27/06/2017 10:46

There are two options on the table:
Leave
Stay on his terms

You want something he isn't offering you :(

StormTreader · 27/06/2017 10:51

Not wanting you to move out is NOT the same as wanting to be in a relationship with you.

He knows youre at the point of leaving so hes giving you juuuuuust enough encouragement and mixed messages to try and get you to stay while promising absolutely nothing.

Original poster

Wombatwombat · 27/06/2017 11:50

Thank you all for your wise advice. And yes, stormtrader, you have it spot on! Not wanting me to move does not mean he wants a relationship- there were no 'I love you' lest make it work. It's just he can't be bothered to do the hard work that comes with divorce. I can't believe this is happening. I just want to disappear.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 27/06/2017 11:57

Yes, at present you're playing the dance. He has done this to you and knows you are still an option for him.

Time to find your self love and self respect and decide in your own mind - and inform him - that you no longer want a relationship with him because of his terrible actions towards you. Ask him to leave, and seek legal advice. Tell family and friends. Make it real for him.

On the relationships board it's often said that if you secretly want a cheater to "see the light" then the best (albiet very, very low) chance of this happening is to end the relationship, live separately and limit contact to essential matters only asap and make him face reality.

Loopytiles · 27/06/2017 12:02

In the meantime do not share a bed with him. It will only give him an ego boost and hurt you.

Original poster

Wombatwombat · 27/06/2017 13:12

I've contacted a solicitor and sent him a message that he needs to provide me with information on his pay / bank balances etc.
All he said was - ok.
But I'd still stay if he asked me too. It's like he has put a spell on me! Could this be a result of emotional abuse?

OP posts:

ConfusedNoMore · 27/06/2017 13:17

Absolutely. What's been happening that makes you ask? Apart from his outrageous behaviour of wanting it over but not in any sense that means responsibility for him of course.

ConfusedNoMore · 27/06/2017 13:18

I have confused in my username cos of the head fuck of my ex and his emotional abuse btw.

Original poster

Wombatwombat · 27/06/2017 13:48

Thanks confused.
My self esteem has deteriorated while I've been with him. He will say things like I'm lucky to be with him, that he can have intelligent conversations with people at work- implying not with me, he says he's embarrassed to be seen with me.
He'll say something and then say ' don't worry, you wouldn't understand'
Is this emotional abuse?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 27/06/2017 14:00

It's certainly pretty shitty behaviour. Putting you down. And worrying that you accepted it rather than LTB.

Have you actually asked him to leave?

You might feel that you want to stay with him however badly he treats you, but it's important IMO that you hide that from the loser! As he will use it against you.

Also important to seek to change your mindset about yourself and your soon to be ex. Do you have money to seek (individual) counselling from someone qualified, eg BACP? If so that might help you.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2017 14:09

Good 'Gaslighting abuse'
See if that rings any bells.
Also get hold of a book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.
That will be an eye opener for you.
And read through THIS

hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2017 14:09

Good!!!
= Google!!!

joannegrady90 · 27/06/2017 14:14

Get out woman!

QueenofEsgaroth · 27/06/2017 14:15

Aw that's so shit for you OP. Usually I would say kick him out but you might really benefit from the boost of a fresh start.

New place, clean break and leave nothing behind you want then enjoy the next chapter in your life on your terms.

He has no access, doesn't even have to know where you are and you get time to sort your head out.

Plan it well so you aren't back and forth giving him opportunities to weasel.

I have high hopes for your future

StormTreader · 27/06/2017 14:43

"He'll say something and then say ' don't worry, you wouldn't understand'"

"Oh no? Then see if you can understand this - get stuffed, you patronising twat!" :D

Seriously, why would you be with someone who disrespects you so much and says they are embarrassed to be seen with you?

Teddy6767 · 27/06/2017 14:48

If someone I was into said they were embarrassed to be seen with me then I'd instantly walk away. That is the height of meanness and disrespect! He's basically saying you're not attractive enough for him which is a disgusting thing to say!
You'll kick yourself eventually when you realise how much time you wasted with this slimeball! I'm sure there's a lovely man out there who would love you and make you very happy! But first you should definitely spend some time alone rebuilding your self esteem and making yourself strong and independent in your own right

Original poster

Wombatwombat · 27/06/2017 17:13

Reading all your replies has given me a good insight into what shit I have been tolerating. I cannot believe I've wasted my time- and now I'm angry at myself while simultaneously wondering what I could have done to stop him wanting to end our marriage.
When will this confusion end? How do I stop wanting what is bad for me and do what is right for me?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2017 17:25

It will take some time.
And some love and support from friends and family.
Maybe some counselling for yourself.
The scales are falling.
They will continue to do so until you see it all so so clearly.
Then you'll be able to recover!

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