Final straw

[Ditot]

Sorry if this is long don't want to drip feed.

My DH has family all over the world. Whenever they come to the UK we always host at our house.
This is mainly because his parents house is a tip. Although they have lots of money and a huge house his mum is a hoarder.

His brother has a partner and a lovely 3 bed house but refuses to host as he is always so busy with his v important job

His family, especially his father treat me like a second class citizen and it is just expected that I will do as I'm told.
I get utterly sick of hosting all the time but as it's normally for one day I just get on with it.

I have now found out that his cousin is sending his 19year old son over for 3 weeks . I told my DH that we cannot accommodate him here. We have a 12 year old DD who is very shy and we only have 1 bathroom.
We don't really know this boy and I think it will be uncomfortable for her and me to have him stay.
We also have DS 15 who is going through typical teenage stuff at the moment and is constantly falling out with DH.

So the plan was for him to stay at PIL house as BIL will not entertain the idea.
DH said yesterday after coming back from PIL that the house is still in a tip and MIL is getting stressed over the boy stating.

He said that he doesn't think there us any other option than for him to stay at ours.
I was so upset as I think this may have been the plan all along.

I feel that I have no say in anything and we already have other cousin staying this week for 6 days (which I have only just been told about)
I told DH that his brother needs to step up but he won't. DH is making out that I am totally wrong and can't see why this is a problem for the boy to stay.

I am on ADS for anxiety and depression and I really feel stressed by this.
Would appreciate opinions am I wrong?
How do I deal with this?
Thanks

Your BIL is just stalling until it's so close to the time that you will feel unable to say no. You seriously need to just move out for at least the weekend, leave your DH to sort things.

"Yes, I do need to see someone, you are right. When I have got my anxiety under control then we can think about maybe having guests again."

Book a counsellor as soon as possible for your anxiety and make him come along to hear her tell him that you can't handle having guests.

If your MIL is going to play the stress card, you are going to have to play it stronger. Besides, it is a good way to get started on some therapy for yourself.

I wonder if part of it is that you are SAHM? Some people do view that as easy and having nothing to do all day, especially once the children are older. Do you feel his family have that attitude?
Three weeks is quite long, what about him staying with MIL and BIL in turn?

I agree that it's unlikely BiL will step up. He'll probably talk your MiL into it again, which will work for a few hours and then she'll be getting your FiL to pressure your H again.

Is there a compromise you'd be prepared to work to? Not that I think you should have to, but what about BiL for a week, MiL for a week and then your place? (in that order so they can't back out after the first week).

If not, you just need to stick to your guns and say no. Very firmly and as often as it takes to ram the message home to your H. You are not being unreasonable.

Sorry, but echoing another poster, you're a doormat and you've allowed yourself to be treated like this time and time again, so as far as your family and especially your husband are concerned, they can do what the hell they like.

This will not change unless you make a real stand. And I mean a real stand. You MUST move out to a hotel if this boy comes to stay.

Sorry, but this is going to be your life forever if you do not sort this now. I actually don't think your husband is ever going to change and I'm afraid your mental health will worsen until you are totally ground down if you aren't there already,

I'm actually of the impression that if your husband does not back down on this your marriage is probably doomed but you'll probably just stay there anyway.

Having visitors is not a cause of heart attacks. Your home is your home, not a hotel. Be firm, you are not being unreasonable. You do not have to solve the problem of where the boy stays, just be clear that you cannot have him in your house and it is not your problem (or your DHs for that matter.) The boy's parents need to find him hotel accommodation or similar. But as so often on these threads your fundamental problem is your DH who should be backing you, you and your DCs should be his number one priority.

You really do need to see your doctor for help with your anxiety. I think there may be cultural expectations and pressures that many of us don't understand and so our advice may not be helpful. If you were psychologically well then as a SAHM to teenagers it wouldn't be that big a deal to host an 18 year old for three weeks. You don't have to spend time and money showing them around, you can just carry on as normal with an extra person to feed.

Yesterday he said the boy stating at his mums mat cause her to have a heart attack.

And staying at yours may cause YOU to have a nervous breakdown!

You have been too accommodating in the past. There is a huge difference between having an overnight guest and having someone stay for three weeks, especially as your children are at an age where they are really self-conscious (DD) and story (DS).

If your DH wants this boy to stay in your home, perhaps he could take three weeks off work to entertain him, cook for him and do his laundry. As a PP has stated - you will end up caring full time for your PILs, other family members and any random relatives who land on you at short notice, and it will be totally taken for granted that you will do so.

Tell your husband the truth - that it is making you physically ill with worry just thinking of having to cope with this. Point out that if this young man does come to stay for three weeks, then you will spend that time in bed, with your DD sitting beside you for company, and that you will not shop, cook, clean or wash for ANYBODY.

If the family complain - let them. Any complaints mean that you won't even offer overnight hospitality. If someone comes - just smile, welcome them, and go to your bedroom to read, knit, watch TV or whatever.

You aren't a servant - don't let your DH and his family treat you like one. (Easy for me to say, I know, as I'm not living in this situation, but you need to make a stand, and your DD needs to see an example of how not to to get walked on.

*stroppy. not story

This is possibly an over-reaction but, quite honestly, in your shoes I'd be thinking about LTB. He has no respect for you, what you want and need is immaterial. I think you and your DC would be far happier if your DH left and then his family wouldn't be able to treat you like s*it.

I don't know what you are getting out of this marriage. It sounds like you are just being used as a maid!

i do feel a bit sorry for your DH, though Inertia - he's getting it from all sides. But having said that it's his own fault.

His primary responsibility is to his own immediate family - you and your children; then to his parents and siblings, if he feels they need his support, and only then to people he hasn't met since their mothers brought them home from the hospital.

I think he has just got into the role of general family dogsbody and doesn't know how to get out of it, and makes you his immediate family dogsbody. He probably isn't a bad person, he just can't see a way out of it that isn't going to cause a rift.

Unfortunately, one of you needs to make a stand if this is going to stop, and as you can't change other people's behaviour, only your own, then it needs to be you.

You stand up to him, and it may force him to stand up to them - you will all be happier for it.

When he finds that nobody dies just because he stands his ground, it will be easier for both of you the next time.

Charlie
I understand what you are saying.
But I have a 12yr DD who is very physically mature for her age.
She is extremely self consious of her body.
When she is at home with mum & dad she will happily walk around in shorts and crop top (in hot weather ).
She won't be comfortable in front of anyone else.
Having the 1 bathroom doesn't help as it is already chaos.
So what if in a SAHM ?
The boy is from a completely different culture and doesnt eat English food.
Our house at the moment is constant shouting with DS.
He will not be able to keep a lid on it .
My biggest thing is that my in laws treat me like shit . But I'm expected to put myself out for their family?
That is why my thread is titled final straw.
I think the majority of people would feel like this even if they were not suffering with anxiety.

I would feel like this too an I don't suffer from anxiety.

You need to make sure it's your DH who is inconvenienced by this and not you. After all, he is the one who is hosting. So make sure he cooks and cleans after this lad.

Can't you take your children and stay somewhere else ? At least be out in the evenings and weekends.

Hi OP. What is the cultural difference between 2 families?

FIL is Indian

The boy is half English half chinese. LIves in China. Very strict u bringing.
Frightened I'm going to out myself now

And sorry for all the typos

Hmm. So is there more of a cultural expectation that you should accommodate them?

The fact that you are SAHM is relevant because your family perceive you as having less to deal with than your SIL so if you worked you might be given more understanding by them. It might even help your anxiety as you would not be so entirely focused on your home and immediate family.

Charlie it probably would help with my anxiety.
When the children were small we decided that I should be a SAHM.
I'm not highly qualified and taking into account childcare cost etc it was the best option.

I would definitely have to retrain in something and not sure what?

As it is we are not on the breadline but not comfortably off.
I do all the housework, cooking, shopping, laundry, gardening and decorating.
Taking the DC to various clubs and homework.
Bil & sil do both work but have no DC.

A few years back I had a serious operation. Not one of them visited me for 6 weeks. My DM had to move in and take over everything. They did not do anything to help.
I know I need to get a job but to you think I should do so just to stop them taking the piss ??

Stay strong OP, don't give in.

They are all treatng you like a hotel. Tell them there is no fucking occupancy!

And your kids are 15 and 12, old enough to help around the house and to understand that having all the family at Christmas creates massive extra pressure on you.

You don't have to justify to us why you don't want him there.

It's your home aswell and if you don't want visitors then tell DH it's not happening. Should be a joint agreement, not be railroaded into it.

I'd have flipped out by now, always having visitors. Tell DH you've done your bit, it stops now. Just tell him straight, get a backbone.

I think you should do exactly what suits you OP. No one on here has any right to suggest you get a job, or anything else. It's your life your choices. I think many women would like the choice.

As far as choosing who to have in your home, again your choice. DH can get stuffed with his demands, so tell him that it's not happening end of!