Final straw

[Ditot]

Sorry if this is long don't want to drip feed.

My DH has family all over the world. Whenever they come to the UK we always host at our house.
This is mainly because his parents house is a tip. Although they have lots of money and a huge house his mum is a hoarder.

His brother has a partner and a lovely 3 bed house but refuses to host as he is always so busy with his v important job

His family, especially his father treat me like a second class citizen and it is just expected that I will do as I'm told.
I get utterly sick of hosting all the time but as it's normally for one day I just get on with it.

I have now found out that his cousin is sending his 19year old son over for 3 weeks . I told my DH that we cannot accommodate him here. We have a 12 year old DD who is very shy and we only have 1 bathroom.
We don't really know this boy and I think it will be uncomfortable for her and me to have him stay.
We also have DS 15 who is going through typical teenage stuff at the moment and is constantly falling out with DH.

So the plan was for him to stay at PIL house as BIL will not entertain the idea.
DH said yesterday after coming back from PIL that the house is still in a tip and MIL is getting stressed over the boy stating.

He said that he doesn't think there us any other option than for him to stay at ours.
I was so upset as I think this may have been the plan all along.

I feel that I have no say in anything and we already have other cousin staying this week for 6 days (which I have only just been told about)
I told DH that his brother needs to step up but he won't. DH is making out that I am totally wrong and can't see why this is a problem for the boy to stay.

I am on ADS for anxiety and depression and I really feel stressed by this.
Would appreciate opinions am I wrong?
How do I deal with this?
Thanks

Jayfee
He is doing work experience.
Told him today that I knew this was going to happen.
That it isn't my problem and ge has to ask his brother.
He said he was going to ask him tommorow.

Stand firm, repeat that you are unhappy to do this and that you do not want the joy to stay. While you're at it, tell him no to future visits over a couple of nights. It is ridiculous that your bil has empty bedrooms and you have 2 dcs to look after.

Bil says that because he works shifts he needs the spare room to sleep in as he doesn't get a good sleep otherwise
I asked him what he would do if BIL said no.
Apparently I'm goading him now for an argument.
He said that he only realised how bad PIL house was yesterday.
Again, not really my problem I have offered to help sort the house out but MIL refuses to throw things out.
It is clean just full of utter crap that she keeps buying.

He had told his cousin that we couldn't accommodate his son. But cousins mum sent a pleading email to BIL asking for help.
BIL then went round to his mum and showed her, which is why MIL said she would have the boy.
I really think that BIL should have him, but I know he will refuse .

This is making me feel ill

Is there no work experience where he lives?! It sounds as if your DH's family are positively dreaming up reasons to send their children to stay with you - no doubt you pay for all their upkeep whilst they're there?

You're right it's not your problem. It sounds like everyone is emotionally blackmailing you into thinking it's your responsibility. It is not your responsibility. What's important is your own children and your own health.

tribpot
They live in another country. The son will be going to uni here & for some reason they want him to do work experience here
They have another son too.

They are very wealthy so could have comfortably paid for an air bnb or even a hotel.
They want him to stay with family though.
I feel sorry for the boy but feel that I need to make a stand.
When the niece stayed it cost us a small fortune taking her to places etc.
BIL has only just started helping with cost eg food /wine when we host other family.
Feeding 10+ people at a time can be quite costly.
We have had christmas at our house for the last 10 years.
This does include my parents too but my mum does help a lot.
They turn up (late) with nothing and do not lift a finger to help
All the shopping / cooking / clearing up is done by me DH and DM.

Sorry going off on one at the moment but so fed up with them all

Perhaps if you relatives have to stay with your MIL, they will never ask to be hosted again ??
Hold firm OP.
It's a no from you

Well, Christmas can stop, for a start. Just have your family.

thatdear I would stop christmas but then the children get upset as they want all the family to be together.
Will just have to see what BIL says tomorrow.
Not holding out much hope though .

Sorry but time you stood up for yourself OP.
You have been a doormat for too long.
Remember No is a complete sentence.

If your H insists tell him you will not be cooking, shopping or doing laundry, you will not be going with the cousin anywhere at the weekend. Delegate all duties to your H and stick to it.
If possblle go and stay with a friend or your DM at the weekends. You may appear rude to H's family but at this point you shouldn't care.

possblle = possible

Asking BIL is irrelevant. Asking PIL is irrelevant.

The young man (not a boy) is not staying with you. It does not work for you. It is not happening. What other people do or do not choose to do plays no part in your decision about you.

See BIL & SIL do this right, learn from them. Balls of steel. Cannot be swayed.

DH obviously sees your house as the last resort to house a poor boy far from home. You need to change that message. An independent young man about to go off to uni should be living in his own place, preferably renting out a room somewhere, maybe in the uni halls. While his mummy might think it nicer for him to stay with you instead, that isn't your problem. You have to say no, that doesn't work for you. You hope he finds suitable accommodation. Good luck with the work experience. Blah, blah, blah.

If I were you I'd tell DH that if he doesn't ring and tell the young man's parents that he can't stay with you and they will have to make other arrangements then you will make the phone call and email for him.

Learn to say NO.
Say I have been more than accomodating in the past and this time it's a NO. End of conversation

You have a DH problem. He has to be more worried about upsetting you than upsetting his mummy/BIL.

Tell him if he doesn't tell the family no more long stay visitors, you will divorce him. If he persists go and get legal advice and see if he still persists.

No way would I tolerate this shit - you have been trained to be a doormat OP - time to put your own DC, and your own mental health first

The problem with telling his parents No is that he is arriving this weekend.
I only found out about it all around a month ago.
This was because I saw the email from auntie begging BIL for help.
My DH said he didn't tell me about it because it was all sorted.
Then it was arranged for him to go to PIL.
I was not happy about that and said to DH that it was too much for MIL.
He said no no she wants to do it.
Then came home yesterday saying how stressed she was and he thinks he will have to come here.

When I say I'm really stressed about it he says "you really have a problem &;you need to go and see someone"
I know I have a DH problem

You do need help with your anxiety, true.

BUT... you also don't need an additional person in your home for 3 weeks if you are not happy with the idea.

He can stay at MILs, let him stay there and reiterate that BIL can host the boy, but you are not happy to. Tell H that on this matter, you can't be overrulled.

I find this really upsetting. This is not your problem. If MIL has bitten off more than she can chew, she can put the relation up in a hotel or get another member of the family to help. It sounds as though they are walking all over you.

Then came home yesterday saying how stressed she was and he thinks he will have to come here.

When I say I'm really stressed about it he says "you really have a problem &;you need to go and see someone"

Really? But he didn't think to say that to his mum? She's stressed, so everyone must accommodate. You're stressed, so you need to get over it.

"you really have a problem &;you need to go and see someone"

You should reply, yes I am going to do that - I am going to see a divorce solicitor.

How dare he? So if you stand up to him he suggests you have MH issues? He's a charmer alright. Fuming on your behalf.

Why did you interfere if he was going to stay with MIL? Let PIL deal with it. You can't have him to stay there, so plan reverts to cousin staying with MIL. You have to start putting your foot down, otherwise they will continue to trample all over you.

When I say I'm really stressed about it he says "you really have a problem &;you need to go and see someone"

So stop saying yo are stressed, say it is your house too and not to arrange stays without discussion in future.

Inertia
I didn't interfere, DH came back on Sunday and said that his mum was getting stressed and it was too much for her having him stay.
He said he has spoken to bil and asked him to have the boy there.
Bil said he will go over to PIL house tomorrow to see what the state of play was.
When i asked what that meant he said "well he hasn't said yes and he hasn't said no"
So I guess I will know more tomorrow.

Wish I could pack myself and DC up and move out.

Well your BIL hasn't said yes or no but you've definitely said no. You must stick to to your guns. I know it's easier said than done but you've got to start somewhere.

Your BIL isn't going to step up and host.