Childish?

[toitoi]

I know I am being childish but it gives me some tiny satisfaction. So the question is shall I stop or ramp it up?

H left last august. He swore blind there was no one else. I even named someone and asked if he was seeing her. Hey presto, a month later she is round all the time having dinner, watching tv, hanging out with my children. Then I accidentally discover they have booked a long haul holiday together whilst I am away for a month with the kids taking them overseas to visit their grandmother. He continues to deny anything is going on. They are just friends and she is supporting him in his terrible trauma of being married to me for 15 years and being in a relationship with me for 25 years. Then I find an old letter down the back of a drawer from her to him. Whilst it isn't definitive, it is not appropriate between colleagues in my view and refers to exciting changes in the coming year - the only change in his life that I know of was moving out. He still denies it all and says that I always think the worst of him and this is a reflection of my negativity and one of the reasons why he left (actually I was pretty cheery before all this, albeit cynical at times). Now his lady friend is a former friend and she has said some stuff to me that is totally out of order, memorably that we never had a real marriage.

Here come the childish bit. I refer to her to him as Slutty McSlutface or the Russian whore. And if I ever drive past her on the street I slow down a bit and give her the finger. I know it's not graceful but I want to cause her discomfort (I already cause him as much inconvenience as I can) and otherwise she waltzes around scotfree.

What are you looking for? A pat on the back?

Nobody likes being cheated on, and I've hated (still hate) the OM, but what you're doing is eventually going to lead to them accusing you of harassment, once their patience runs out.

And meanwhile all he's thinking, every time he sees you, is that he's well rid of the bunny boiler ex.

You'll lose every bit of moral high ground if you continue

You can divorce him for adultery. Name her on the papers.

Your right Op, childish. Also really, really rubbish. If that's the best you can come up with I wouldn't bother. I imagine all you are getting in response is a bored eye roll.

He cheated not her.

The best thing would be to just move on

The best revenge is moving on and being happy.

Find a new interest, go out and make friends. Let him learn the best thing for you is being free from him and let her get on with knowing who she really is.

I'm a great believer in doing whatever the fuck makes you feel better (legally) in the moment and who cares what anyone thinks. Yes you might cringe afterwards but so what nobody ever died from cringing. Do what you feel at the time OP. You'll get bored eventually and by that time she'll be well and truly stuck with his cheating arse and you'll have moved on.

Also, they will slag you off either way, make it worth your while 😂

Changed name, I couldn't give the tiniest of tosses about their patience. What do I care? And I will be angry with her too. She was my friend. I have been betrayed by both of them.

That is really bad, grow up, she will see that as their relationship is still bothering you, a finger up, OMG, what age are you.

You know he left you for her so what's to find out, he will lie because he doesn't give a fuck about you or what you think, he probably enjoys the fact that he is lying and you both know it.

Jesus, move on woman.

It's nearly a year ago OP.

Not very imaginative is it?
All you're doing is bolstering their already negative opinion of you.
Does that really make you feel better?

The best revenge is to be dignified and happy.

You need to get a grip, dust yourself down & move on.

Oh god, OP, stop what you're doing and just accept that those two dong-faced bin-hounds deserve one another. Sometimes people cheat, it's shit but you pick yourself up, shout "fuck you" and get on with life.

There is nothing in the world more upsetting to Exes than to see the people they shat upon happy, healthy and smiling. It cuts them deeper than any sort of name calling ever could. Smile, every single time.

Why are you talking to him about her?

I'm sorry your friend betrayed you, that's awful. But you're clearly better off without either of them in your life, so show them that, instead of making it look like you're obsessing over them.

Please tell me you don't refer to her a whore to or in front of your children. That would be unforgivable.

I understand why you feel like you do, I get it but you're only making a fool of yourself, sorry. Why would you want him to know that this still bothers you so much? It'll annoy him more if you don't give a shit, it truly will and it'll annoy her more if you become nice and friendly towards him.

Fraid so. The best revenge is living well. These antics are holding you back, preventing you from moving on. You will feel much, much better about yourself when you start to focus on your future, which is going to be fabulous. It is really, really simple but so tough to actually do. Totally worth it, though. Go for it.

Meh. Carry on if you like.

You're simply reinforcing everything he no doubt tells her about his "batshit crazy ex".

So - is she Scottish or Russian?
Doesn't matter really, does it.

Unfortunately - it's not childish. It's just showing that it bothers you. And that you are still hang up on him/her.

Seing your finger as you drive by - doesn't really cause her much inconvinience. Only makes you look a bit unhinged.

Really - best thing you can do is to get a hunky BF and be happy...

You've made this woman feel very important and powerful by behaving this way. And you've given your ex an easy way to look like he was super reasonable to leave you.

They did wrong, but by chucking away your dignity and decorum, you make yourself seem worse than them.

Was that your intention? Maybe that doesn't matter to you, which is fine. It's likely that your DC school chums tease them mercilessly about their batshit mother too...

Can you not perhaps get a grip, perhaps see a counselor? You're not helping anyone here, unless you count boosting OW ego and making others feel that your ex is well rid of you.

And if I ever drive past her on the street I slow down a bit and give her the finger. I know it's not graceful but I want to cause her discomfort.

You might find this constitutes harassment.

Grow up, all you'll end up doing is add fuel to the fire and the ex can go 'See? I told you she's batshit'.

Um. Well all right. This isn't AIBU by the way and I am not looking for a fucking pat on the back, rather some help. But I do resent the it's been a year comments. This was a 25 year relationship. And I have seen a counsellor thank you. Simplistic advice is something I don't need. Counsellor or no counsellor I still detest the pair of them with all of my being. I don't see why the pair of them don't bugger off and live somewhere else so I don't have to see them every bloody day. He mentions her to me btw. "X says" and "x thinks".

And really bad? Surely really bad is cheating and lying. And that is something I have not done.

I'm still angry that my ex cheated on me, it feels horrible to be cheated on. I don't let anyone see how angry I am though, people don't see how I'm hurting and he will never see how much he has hurt me, he's not worth it, not worth my breath, not worth my tears.
I think you just need to let it go over your head and move on. He will probably cheat on her eventually, let her have him.

Nobody is saying you're not allowed to be angry and hurt.

But if you keep behaving this way, they'll report you for harassment and you'll end up with a police record. And all it'll do will back up your ex'a belief that you're crazy.

Do yourself a favour and stop it, before you do something you can never undo.