Am I over reacting

[Wildestflower]

I posted here about a year ago, under a different user name. My DH had been emotionally over involved with a female colleague he was supporting through a bereavement and used to text and Skype with her secretly. When I found out, I told him I thought it was an EA, read him the riot act, gave him a second chance with the proviso that he went to therapy. The reason for this was that he gave me a story about how he puts things into compartments based on some stuff in the past, so I said, well go and sort it out then.

It's taken over a year, but he has finally started therapy recently. He's been stressed at work and seemed a bit distant, preoccupied. He often goes into that mode when he is stressed.

Today, his phone pinged. We had both been using the same charger socket and I am on call this weekend. We both have iPhones that look very similar, so I went over and looked as I thought it was mine. I saw a text flash up from a woman called X, who I have never heard him mention before. I snooped at his phone. She texts from time to time, about meeting for tea, but in her most recent text, she addressed him as "darling" and he replied "it's been a long time. Must catch up for tea" and signed with his name and a x. He doesn't use x as a sign off for friends generally, apart from very close friends.

I've been crying and he keeps saying he hasn't done anything and I have misunderstood. X is a colleague in the same workplace, but based on a different site and they did an induction together.

When he had the EA, I told him that I would like to know about female colleagues/ friends, who he meets for lunch and texts, as I have sadly been lied to in the past, on two occasions, this same DH, when he has told me he is somewhere and I have later found out he was meeting a female, in one case his ex, who posted this on FB.

In my head, he has broken my trust and I want him to leave. But he keeps saying he hasn't done anything and acting as if I am a loon. Am I overreacting?

We have two DC. It took me a year to get over the EA and I don't feel he ever really understood what he had done wrong. I am sick of explaining why this is hurtful. He's got this wrong, hasn't he?

You are not over-reacting. He was told very clearly he would not get away with it again, and has done the same thing.

I think you are under reacting if anything, I'm so sorry for you it sounds like he's done the same thing again 🙁

Hmm. I' on the fence with this one. I think you're right to question him, yes, but I wouldn't over-react about the 'darling' bit, because lots of people use that as a very casual term of endearment for people they aren't close to at all like when I can't remember someone's name!

And I rarely sign off with kisses on texts, but have been told off about it by a couple of people and so sometimes, if I see they have used them, I might bow to "social pressure" and stick one on a text too.

So, your h might be telling the truth, and that he hasn't done anything majorly wrong here. Except that you are understandably twitchy about such things, so he ought to be squeakily clean and above-board about everything.

If you want to hear LTB advice - MN is just the place.

Sure - your Ex might have issues in his past. But so do you, as it seems from reading your post.
It is possible for people to talk, interact, and even have a meal with a person of different gender.
And for that to mean not that much.
You insecurity about it makes it almost impossible for him to do that - interact with half of his colleagues w/o somehow needing to explain things to you.
It is entirely possible that he didn't tell you because he didn't want to deal with that.

Anyway - if you want to use this as an excuse and break-up - sure. Why not. Especially if there are other issues.

Wildest I might remember you from last year.

My DH had an EA too, I found out Christmas 2015. My feelings would be the same at this stage in getting the trust back.

He is staying, he has to go to therapy but any female contact I do not know about, especially by text, emails, FB or meet ups without me knowing.

Deal breakers, I would be gone.

You think tea is a euphanism for sex?

I think that it's probably not. Simply as he wouldn't have written his name and would have been more careful with his phone.

As such, I think you're over reacting,

I don't think tea is a euphemism. He talks lots about his colleagues (male and female). I just think it's odd he's not mentioned this, in light of previous difficulties.

I don't think I'm stopping him taking to 50% of his work colleagues. After the EA he said he'd tell me about women he's friendly with and it feels as if the trust is broken. He says I'm overreacting because of last year.

No you're not over reacting , he should be doing everything to regain your trust and he's not .

What does meeting up for 'tea' involve?

He deliberately didn't tell you that this woman existed. He knew the rules about disclosure after last year. Whether this is innocent or not, he has no one but himself to blame if he has destroyed your trust completely. I fail to see how he can't understand that.

I don't know all the backstory but just having lunch or a tea with a female colleague doesn't mean emotional affair or that he's cheating. My boyfriend has lunch occasionally with a female work friend and it's fine with me.

From what there is here I do think you're overreacting but it sounds like there's more to the story

The trust in your relationship has been shattered and it's slowly been repairing.

You came across this text out of chance and it's taken you by surprise.

The fact that he hasn't deleted the history of it implies he's trying to remain open and sees it as 'innocent'.

However, there are boundaries in which it isn't clear between the pair of you of what is acceptable or not. For example, the kiss at the end, referring to her as darling etc other people may find that acceptable and others may not. It's about what is acceptable to you and him, as a partnership.

Because it's still ambiguous you find yourself back in a similar unsettled situation.

His previous EA has caused this lack of trust and insecurity and she should continue to reassure you that all is above board.

When you said a woman called X, it wasn't saved as an 'X'? Was that just for anonymity, otherwise I wasn't sure why you would write what her name was. What I'm getting at is she was actually saved as her real name in his phone??

I don't think you're over reacting. I would feel exactly the same as you, considering I'm in a similar set up; 7 months post EA.

If he'd have told you about this woman how do you think you would have reacted?

I think meeting up for 'tea' sounds a bit odd , it's not what people say is it ?

Thanks all. He would probably say meeting for tea. I don't think that sounds odd.

He is usually very formal, to the extent that people tease him about it, so signing off with a x isn't usual.

No X isn't her real name. Her real name is saved and used. I just haven't put it on MN.

Perhaps I haven't been very clear. I don't think this is an EA. I think this is another female friend he has "forgotten" to tell me about. When we were first together, he had dinner with his ex and lied about it. A few months later, he met a friend, and she was just a friend, for lunch, but then sent her quite flirtatious texts about how beautiful she looked, how attractive etc. She wasn't interested, but I was uncomfortable with what he sent and he said he wouldn't again. Then there was an EA that lasted several months. So I feel a bit hypersensitive.

He's never deleted histories, as far as I know, or tried to hide anything. He seems to think that because he hasn't had sex with anyone else, and loves me, this sort of behaviour is fine. It reminds me of what he has done in the past and upsets me for that reason.

CremeFresh if he had told me about her, I would have thought, "oh fine". The difference is that he does tell me about all sorts of people who he is catching up with for lunch, especially male colleagues. He talks quite a lot about who he has seen, who he has bumped in to etc. It is therefore a bit of an ommission. In the past when he has forgotten to tell me about someone, or blatantly lied about where he has been and with whom, it's because he has been infatuated with someone and sent them lots of messages, small gifts etc. I was worried that this was the start of something like that. The secrecy set me off!

The thing is this becomes a vicious circle , he doesn't tell you , you get suspicious and react , so he doesn't tell you because you'll react and round and round you go.

How do you think this circle can be broken ?

Quite simply. By him telling me.

And I wouldn't be reacting if he hadn't broken my trust previously.

Exactly, but why won't he tell you ?

But wildest in all honesty, you can't keep beating him over the head with that. You chose to forgive him. For the rest of your relationship does he have to inform you of every person he has spoken too at work or when out and about?

You're definitely not overreacting! If it makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious about your partner then you should to take control and tell him you're not happy about it because you're entitled to that as his partner regardless of what he thinks. If this was normal behaviour or normal for him and his character you wouldn't think anything of it but thats obviously not the case. Don't be made to feel bad about something that makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable!

KungFuPanda no he doesn't. But if the only people he has "forgotten" to tell me about before are ones he went on to either meet and lie about, send flirtatious messages to or have an EA with, what am I to think? He doesn't have a phone full of messages signed with an x, only to her. He has never mentioned her, even in passing. I think thats strange.

If he forgot to mention men, or other lunches with friends, I wouldn't feel upset. He is usually really chatty about who he has met and where. I just find it strange that there is a female work colleague who knows him well enough to call him darling, but who he hasn't ever mentioned.