Am I over reacting

[Wildestflower]

I posted here about a year ago, under a different user name. My DH had been emotionally over involved with a female colleague he was supporting through a bereavement and used to text and Skype with her secretly. When I found out, I told him I thought it was an EA, read him the riot act, gave him a second chance with the proviso that he went to therapy. The reason for this was that he gave me a story about how he puts things into compartments based on some stuff in the past, so I said, well go and sort it out then.

It's taken over a year, but he has finally started therapy recently. He's been stressed at work and seemed a bit distant, preoccupied. He often goes into that mode when he is stressed.

Today, his phone pinged. We had both been using the same charger socket and I am on call this weekend. We both have iPhones that look very similar, so I went over and looked as I thought it was mine. I saw a text flash up from a woman called X, who I have never heard him mention before. I snooped at his phone. She texts from time to time, about meeting for tea, but in her most recent text, she addressed him as "darling" and he replied "it's been a long time. Must catch up for tea" and signed with his name and a x. He doesn't use x as a sign off for friends generally, apart from very close friends.

I've been crying and he keeps saying he hasn't done anything and I have misunderstood. X is a colleague in the same workplace, but based on a different site and they did an induction together.

When he had the EA, I told him that I would like to know about female colleagues/ friends, who he meets for lunch and texts, as I have sadly been lied to in the past, on two occasions, this same DH, when he has told me he is somewhere and I have later found out he was meeting a female, in one case his ex, who posted this on FB.

In my head, he has broken my trust and I want him to leave. But he keeps saying he hasn't done anything and acting as if I am a loon. Am I overreacting?

We have two DC. It took me a year to get over the EA and I don't feel he ever really understood what he had done wrong. I am sick of explaining why this is hurtful. He's got this wrong, hasn't he?

I would go with your gut- this needs sorting out once and for all though , you can't carry on like this. Maybe you're not meant to be together - no trust and all that.

I'm assuming it's a big company? My friend who is married works for a big company and I met up with her work friends and they are all innocently very close. She is the sort of person who would call a man darling and use a kiss, so if thinking she's like my friend, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

He probably hasn't mentioned her because they haven't seen each other since the induction? It could well be one of those friends you say you need to catch up with but know full well it won't happen forever. Maybe he put the X in response to hers without even thinking?

It is a huge company. I'm starting to think I'm over reacting. I was so hurt last year and don't want to be hurt or lied to again.

How many years is he going to have to tell you about every female he interacts with? He's had an emotional affair, you'll never fully trust him again, and if he interacts with a female you'll question him to the nth degree until he... what? Confesses to something to get you off his back? If he is messing around he's hardly going to admit it. I don't think there's much of a relationship here.

No, when he mentions women in passing, I don't question him'to the nth degree'. I just don't like him keeping secrets.

Really dislike the assumption that 'I'm on his back' or that my issues have caused this. I'm going to leave the thread.

I do find it interesting how people ckme here asking - am I being unreasonable/overreacting/seem needy/insecure/controlling
And what they want to hear is NOOO!!!!

And when they mostly hear - No, with some 'POSSIBLY' - yes it sounds controlling and all -
They leave in a huff

😳😳😳

I think you should be concerned about his messages.
I had almost the same experience. My husband had EA several years ago. He swore he'd never do it again.
Over the years that followed he never mentioned women he worked with. He didn't mention many of the men either. He compartmentalised work and home and basically led a double life for 8 years as he/we could not communicate.
He left me and our two children three months ago and has moved in with a work colleague 100 miles away. He basically built a life for himself in secret and then went.

. He is usually really chatty about who he has met and where. I just find it strange that there is a female work colleague who knows him well enough to call him darling, but who he hasn't ever mentioned
This is the crux of it. If he was generally fairly quiet about all his colleagues and friends, it wouldn't be odd that he hadn't mentioned this meet up for tea. But given that he's generally chatty about this stuff, it IS odd that he hasn't mentioned her. So I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP.

I would expect my OH to mention social plans with individual women, just because you do, out of courtesy, I don't think that's odd or stifling. And in the context of his history (and when he has specifically agreed to do this), its completely reasonable to expect him to be quite careful to do that.
The only excuse would be if she had got in touch after a long gap in communications, and suggested meeting for tea, and he just hadn't seen that to tell you, but it sounds as if the text chain showed an ongoing dialogue unfortunately?

Kind of with thatdearoctopus here in that it might be nothing, but I'd be a bit suspicious. I mean, my male colleagues if texting me have sometimes accidentally done kisses at the end of texts and one even wrote love you because he texts that to his wife on most messages. But any time these things happened, they have hastily replied with an "oh crap i wasnt meant to put that" and we've just laughed it off. If it wasnt like that in the texts, then yeah I'd be suspicious.

For years he has wooed other women. Either never being successful at getting them into bed, or he chooses not to go that far. But he becomes infatuated, keeps them secret from you, sends flirty messages, gives them little gifts and lies about meeting up with them. Gosh it all sounds very exciting for him.

Either you are batshit and he is just being completely normal with all these women and you are overreacting to normal friendship.

Or he likes the proto-cheating so much he can't stop himself acting on his crushes.

You don't trust him because you can't let go of his previous behaviour which showed you who he was. He's still that person and you know it so you're waiting for round two.

You're driving yourself demented trying to find out if he's repeating past behaviour. How is this relationship worth the stress? Either trust him or leave.