No sex or affection is killing my marriage and I am at my wits end

[namechangedxxxxxxx]

Please help I just need someone to talk to. My DH and I haven't had sex in over seven years and I am losing my mind. He doesn't touch me, we don't kiss, no back rubs or hand holding, nothing.

The last time we had sex we conceived my son who is now 6 and a half. It wasn't great before that either.

I have stuck by him because I love him and I am otherwise really alone in the world. But I can't stand it anymore. I have a relationship with my vibrator but these days every time just makes me cry. He won't talk about it. Refuses. Says he's ashamed of his body but won't fix it. Won't talk to a doctor. I told him I want to move out and he won't talk about that either.

I am at the end, I feel so heartbroken, unattractive and worthless.

We've been married 18 years. It seems so selfish to just walk sea but I am so lonely I feel suicidal.

Oh darling. I hope you'll let me hold your hand. My heart goes out to you, you sound so distressed and I can understand why. This situation sounds excruciating for you.

I think it's time to get your ducks in a row isn't it? You can't go on like this.

I know you love him, but please understand, his permission isn't needed here. This is your life, YOUR one precious life. You're going to need to take control and go, whether he is ok with it or not. He may end up hating you for it. But again... This is YOUR one and only precious life.

What can we do to help you?
What do you want to talk about?

Thank you so much for responding. I don't even know what I want to talk about tbh. I want to leave and but I do love him and he's a good father. But I feel broken.

My love. I just want you to know that how you feel is so natural and understandable. You aren't broken, your a human being who is suffering. I have felt like this, I remember it well. I also had no one in the world, really, besides DC when I left my ex.

I'm here to tell you though that it's going to be ok. You just have to be brave.

I think your sense of feeling broken is being exasperated by not having a plan. You have to make a firm choice, and I think we both know that choice needs to be leaving your husband. You don't have a marriage and haven't for a very long time. I have a feeling that you can't see that a bright future is possible, but it is. It's time to stand up for yourself and move on.

Could (and would you want to) look into sex therapy? Think Relate offer it, have a look online and then present the idea to him as 'we either do this or split'. If he won't address the problem I don't see what choice you have other than to leave tbh, you can't go on like this indefinitely

You might find it helpful to go to counselling, just you, so that you can build up the strength you need to give yourself permission to leave.

This isn't your fault, you don't deserve it and life doesn't have to be like this. Its going to be hard. But slowly your life will get better because it can't get any worse than you feel now.

You didn't end this marriage. He did.

He absolutely refuses any type of counseling - either together or for himself.

I know I want to leave but when I talk to him he does his angry silence and totally stonewalls. I feel the only way is for me to just GO.

I really appreciate the replies that it's really justified to leave. If there was still touch and affection I think I could stand it. I feel selfish breaking up our family over this, my DV will be devastated. This morning I lay in bed just longing for someone to rub my back and realized it's been years since anyone did.

Oops that should be DC of course.

Almost a year for me however we don't sleep in the same room due to his snoring...am thinking of cheating to be honest x

Odd as it may sound, you'll feel far less lonely living on your own than you do right now.

I completely agree that you'll be less lonely on your own.

Nothing is as lonely as being with someone who makes you feel alone.

When you're actually single, and alone, at least you have the hope of eventually meeting someone and being allowed to pursue it!

You deserve more OP. You get one life in this world and you deserve to have someone who will show you love. Otherwise it's just housemates. My parents were the same and all us kids wished they'd gone their seperate ways and found happiness. They didn't argue or anything but the lack of affection to each other was really obvious.

Your H has been and remains unfair here. It's also not your fault that he is like this either, he is not ever likely to talk about anything and is probably very much a product of his own upbringing.

I do not think your son would be devastated at all and his father could still parent him even when you are apart. He would rather have the two of you apart and happier than together and miserable as you are now. He is also not a good father if he treats you, the mother of his child, like this. Stonewalling you and dismissing all suggestions is not at all acceptable.

Do you love him or are you really confusing this with codependency?.

What you are showing your son is an emotionally harmful model of a relationship and one no doubt you would not want for your son either as an adult. He cannot afford to learn the lesson that a loveless marriage is also his norm too.

The late Robin Williams once said the following:-

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone".

Your H makes you feel alone through his own emotional neglect of both himself and you.

"I do not think your son would be devastated at all and his father could still parent him even when you are apart".

Attila, what makes up so sure that he won't? The son is likely to miss living with his father terribly and to minimise the impact would be irresponsible. He would need all the reassurance that I'm sure the OP will provide.

Having said that, OP, i think you've been incredibly patient - far more than I would have been able to. The way you feel right now is unsustainable and your despair will inevitably be sensed by your son, if he hasn't picked up on anything already. You deserve much better.

My DC had a very hard 6 ish weeks after I left.

And then they adjusted. And I am a better mother now than I have ever been. Because now I have so much more energy and love available to give them - because I'm no longer struggling under the crushing weight of exhaustion that comes from a relationship that takes and doesn't give back.

Divorce is v hard on children. But you know what, living in a house where the parents are miserable is much worse. Life is full of challenges - children cannot be sheltered from that. Modelling bravery and self worth is how you teach children to navigate those challenges.

Modelling passive despair/ misery is NOT how you set children up to deal with life. OP I think you've already started to see that. You're going to make it out of this situation x

What is the reason that he is ashamed of his body?

OP, I'm coming at this from the reverse side, whose wife has decided on zero affection. We've just started separation as it's crushed my self esteem over the last few years. I just want happiness and both physical and emotional affection...that's not too much to ask is it?

"Do you love him or are you really confusing this with codependency?"

This is a really good question and I don't know. I am bending over backwards not to hurt him but in the end I am hurting both of us more by not being clear with him about what I want.

My dd is 13 and I am sure she knows things are not great. My ds would be upset, but I know we're not modeling a good relationship here.

He hates his body because he is v overweight but food is his comfort.

We're both depressed and unhappy I think - if we were apart we'd make more of an effort to do fun/interesting things with the children.

When I read about how unhappy people perceive children to be in divorce I look at my own kids and i just don't get it. Yes there is initial upheavals but I can't remember one time since I left where they have made me feel like it was a mistake and a bad person, they just accepted it and settled well in a new home. Mine were quite young so I couldn't exactly explain much but kids are pretty sensible and understand when things aren't working out and as long as you make them feel loved and secure, parenting apart can work out for everyone in their best interest. Even having less money hasn't made us unhappy, because I am a happier person and a better parent for it.

My DP only separated 2 years ago and he felt like you do OP about the consequences but because he's stayed hands on his 3 DC seem really happy. He too tells me he realises what a better parent he is now he is happier.

Yes re the doing more things - it is true. He does more with them than ever before, it's not quantity time it's quality time. Same goes for me. I don't have anyone else's misery taking up my time and attention so the kids get the full me