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Original poster

where do you set your boundries in a realationship with DP/DH/DW?

29 replies

happycat · 11/07/2004 17:25

I was talking to friends the other evening and was amazed by what boundries she has about her DH cheating on her.Was wondering if anyone felt the same.Mine are sex text /e mails with another woman,snogging,full sex and oral sex.I get pissed off if my dh starts to give any woman sexual attention and it is not for me.I am not a jealous person I know he has female friends,eyes up other women,looks at porn and of course has a past.My friend just drew the line at full sex.What do you all think.Her DP is not aware of these boundries though

OP posts:
irishjewels · 11/07/2004 17:36

happycat your friends boundaries might seem ok to her in theory but i would honestly question them in reality - would she genuinely not care if her dh was intimate in any way with another woman because i know my issue would be the intimacy. I could't bear my dp to be familiar with anyone, especially curled up naked in bed, laughing and sharing secrets.

Will wait and see what everyone else thinks.

bootsmonkey · 11/07/2004 17:39

Flippin' 'eck - I draw the line at any physical contact WHATSOEVER!!!!!

Galaxy · 11/07/2004 17:39

message withdrawn

bootsmonkey · 11/07/2004 17:40

Agree with IJ about the intimacy thing too - that would be the real killer

Heathcliffscathy · 11/07/2004 17:42

when you say boundaries what do you mean happycat? that you would leave/kick him out?

i think it's far more complicated than that. I wouldn't have said that for any previous relationship, but the reason that i know that dh is the love of my life is that whatever happened between us, i couldn't throw what we have away...i'm not saying that no matter what he did i wouldn't leave, but that in this relationship, making rules up in advance just doesnt seem appropriate, what we have is too precious. luckily, he's given me no reason to even think about this sort of thing so far...

Original poster
happycat · 11/07/2004 17:44

I think she was saying that if she caught him doing any of the others it would not come to divorce.It would make me sick even the thought of dh kissing another woman and having a bj from someone else I would still consider these as cheating

OP posts:
Original poster
happycat · 11/07/2004 17:48

sophable saying that though he dosen't know what he could get away with so I wonder if the reality would be

OP posts:
Original poster
happycat · 11/07/2004 17:48

my friend I mean

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 11/07/2004 17:59

Mine is an affair.

I would have to think very carefully about what to do if he had a long term affair.

I certainly wouldn't throw away 15 years of happiness for a one-night stand though. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Plus I wouldn't want to know, it would be horrible enough and punishment enough for him living with it.

I am def. not the jealous type, but as far as I know he has not played away. Has admitted to fancying people but then so have I but we both trust each other enough to know that this happens and that neither of us would do anything about it.

Fio2 · 11/07/2004 18:03

mine would be an affair too

I wouldnt want my husband to be intimate with someone else but as long as he didnt have full sex I would forgive him. it is not worth aending a marriage over a quick snog. I am sure my dh would disagree and say any contact whatsoever. i know him

lou33 · 11/07/2004 18:19

I agree with Fio and CD.

Fio, I think we have the same dh as mine would say the same as yours

Chandra · 11/07/2004 18:21

The easiest thing will be just to bin the relationship and start a fresh but it is not that simple, eventhough the main "component" of a relationship will be badly damaged (trust), I would try to work it out, see a counselor together, etc. Sure he doesn't know about it.

Life outhere is not that simple, it's easy to think that just because your partner has an afair you will have some georgous men waiting for you as soon as you leave. Don't take me wrong and think that I'm the old fashioned wife or that I'm with DH out of better options (or am I?), it's just that I find easier to work out an affair through counselling and a lot of sulking than finding somebody as compatible as DH is to me. (and after 12 relationships and 4 proposals I'm sure where I stand )

Know that's if it's a fling but if he's in love, I would change the locks .

Jaxmum · 11/07/2004 18:27

My world would fall apart if DH had physical contact with any other female. I think his would too (If I did with a male).

Chandra · 11/07/2004 18:30

PS. Another important point to consider is that if you push him out of your life because an affair you are significantly reducing the chances of him coming back to you to sort the situation. He may end up getting the suport (and acommodation) from the girl in question.

I have a friend whose sister was thrown out of her flat by her flatmate who toght she was flirting with her bf, she wasn't but once out she realised that the only person she could ask for her help washer flatmate's bf. 10 years later they are happily married with 3 children.

Blu · 11/07/2004 18:32

I have a friend (male - need I add?) who does not consider oral sex with other women to be an infidelity....

Chandra · 11/07/2004 18:40

Why not??? men!!! would never understand...

Original poster
happycat · 11/07/2004 19:28

Hugh Grant......

OP posts:
lilibet · 11/07/2004 19:43

I am really really really the jealous type and get teased about it mercilessly. Couldn't bear the thought of anything happening at all, it would destroy me.

Having said that, I wouldn't throw away what we have over a drunken snog, but I trust him implicitly no matter how many he has had to drink!

He was best man at a wedding on Saturday and I wasn't that happy about him walking down the aisle with another woman lnking him !!!

sooz31 · 11/07/2004 19:51

When I first started seeing DH, he said to me 'don't ever tell me, I wouldn't ever want to know' which was odd, because I was completely in love with him and being with anyone else was the last thing on my mind. But it certainly made me understand how serious he was about me from early on!

The idea of him with someone else does make me feel sick, but I agree you have to keep some perspective and it all depends on how serious/repetitive the involvement is before you start talking about leaving one another.

ladymuck · 11/07/2004 22:59

I suppose the sort of boundaries that I set/have are all concerned with intimacy, and I would not tolerate dh sex texting or carrying on any sort of relationship which was kept private or hidden from me (male or female). That's not to say I want to read every email/text with all dh's friends, but I do want to know that I could if I wanted to...

But even though I view the betrayl of intimacy to be unacceptable I wouldn't necessarily throw away the relationship as a result especially of a physical infidelity. Obviously there would need to be some sort of recommitment to shared values, and trust etc takes time to rebuild, but I would certainly try to work through them.

For myself though, physical safety has always been more of an issue for me and my boys. Assaults on me or the boys would not be tolerated, and are far less likely to be forgiven or "worked through".

I guess we're all slightly different...

NomDePlume · 11/07/2004 23:16

Hmmmm, I've never really thought about it in that much detail..

I think I agree with your boundaries happycat, my DH is much like yours (eyes up other women, porn, past etc etc).

When I say boundaries, I guess I mean what counts in my mind as infidelity. I probably wouldn't leave DH if he had a ONS, but I would be out the door if he a LTR (over 2/3 months) with another person. Obviously I can never say exactly what I'd do until I'm in that situation (hopefully never). But in my mind, we have far too much to throw away over 1 one night stand or a handful of shags.

Although I know that if the shoe were on the other foot, and I cheated, DH would have me out the door before I could blink.

NomDePlume · 11/07/2004 23:23

With regards to any physical violence or attacks on me or the kids, I would be out of the door without a second thought. I'm the child of a domestic violence wrecked marriage and would never put my kids through what I went through, ever, FULL STOP.

mummytosteven · 11/07/2004 23:47

I did have this conversation with DP, now DH early on in our relationship - we both agreed that a ONS would not be a reason for a split, but a full on affair would be. Never really thought about physical violence - I do think that a minor smack etc during a row is different from psychological/physical abuse/controlling behaviour.

Samcj · 12/07/2004 13:48

I think it is always impossible to really say what you will do in any situation. Have learnt that lesson when I was quite young, was in an abusive relatioship where my exp used to hit me. I had always sworn that if this ever happened to me that I would leave, especially as I had been warned by friends that he had behaved like this before.

I will judge any situation occuring as it occurs, and try not to worry (!!) about it untill it does. I asked DP the, 'would you cheat on me if you knew I would never know' and he came up with the 'no because I would know I had done it and it would be horrible'. Between two loving, trusting partners I find it strange that boundries need to be set, surely these should be unspoken and obvious? Or am I just niave and DP is off getting bj's not thinking he is cheating??!

mummytosteven · 12/07/2004 13:52

samcj - it wasn't a deliberate attempt to set boundaries in my case - not quite sure how the topic cropped up but just seemed to crop naturally in conversation v- probably after a few beers

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