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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm really struggling

50 replies

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 12:38

God I feel awful. And selfish! Please help me see sense. Been with OH about 8 months. He has DC. I don't. I get that they come first, they must. But I'm really struggling with not being a priority. I know that sounds awful, really awful. My OH is wonderful mostly, kind, sociable etc. But we only see each other once a week and I'm starting to feel it's not enough. I feel like we should be moving forward but we're not. I feel very low down on his list of priorities at the moment. He hurt me last night, he didn't do anything really wrong but I felt rejected and a bit wounded. I realise that if we get to the point of me meeting DC things may change but I don't even feel we are heading in that direction. He loves that we are so 'relaxed' and easy going but I'm starting to get really fed up with it. And I feel sad because he is so lovely generally. I just feel so selfish and I would never say this to him. Am I awful?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 12:41

He's messaged me to ask how the rest of last night was and I just want to yell that it was shit actually because he went home early and left me when our night had been planned for months

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 25/06/2017 12:45

Doesn't sound that this relationship is right for you. He had DC and rightly putting them first and taking time in this new relationship you want more which he can't give you.

Mum4Fergus · 25/06/2017 12:46

If you can't have an open and honest conversation with him, regardless of the subject, then I'd question your relationship and it's future. Absolutely DCs come first...and if there is definitely no way you can manage more than one evening together when it's not enough for you then you should think about moving on Flowers

Trickycat · 25/06/2017 12:46

Maybe this is not the relationship for you. You need to be honest with him.

Have you been to his home? Hate to ask but are you sure he is single?

pinkyredrose · 25/06/2017 12:47

Why did he have to leave early?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 25/06/2017 12:50

I'm sorry to say that I tried to get past similar issues for 2.5 years (we both had our own dcs) and failed. In the end I gave up and walked away.

Yes it's tricky when children are involved, but there are ways to make the adults in the relationship feel wanted and special even when kids dictate things.

FWIW I am now with someone new who also has dcs and it's much better.

In short, I don't think it is the children that are the issue, it's the adult.

rightwhine · 25/06/2017 12:50

Why would you never say that to him? Tell him exactly what you've said in this thread. It's not wrong to feel like that as long as you demonstrate you understand his viewpoint too.

Than together you can work out if it's best to stay or split.

ImperialBlether · 25/06/2017 12:50

I can understand. After several months together it's pretty rubbish to only see each other once a week.

I'd look for someone without ties if I were you.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 12:53

Oh I've been to his home loads of times, every week. I'm aware this is my problem. He's prioritising his DC and that's exactly as he should. I'd have little respect if he didn't do that. I always knew this. I'm just finding it hard at the moment. I feel a bit like things should be moving on a bit by now. I'm no bunny boiler by any means. He left early because he wasn't feeling great and has DC this morning but I was left with his friends who I didn't know. We were all a bit bewildered tbh

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 25/06/2017 12:59

Wow, you should defo be moving forward after 8m.

What happens in a few years if you have kids? Will he every treat you as equal priority to children?

Are you willing to accept this? You either need to accept, talk to him and hope he'll change, or dump x

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 13:05

He must prioritise his DC. I get that. It means half the week he's unavailable and that's fine, I'm busy anyway. I have my own stuff to do. I guess I just feel that once a week is crap. That's nothing to do with his DC really. He has 4 nights a week free and I get to spend one with him. Last night would have been 2nd night this week but he went home. That's what has bothered me really. I would never have done that to him. I wouldn't dream of getting him out with my friends then just leaving. He was apologetic but still!

OP posts:
dustmotesinthesun · 25/06/2017 13:09

It sounds like you are a really convenient partner for him. You don't take up too much time, I bet you have a lovely time when you hang out, lots of sex, nice food, etc. No commitment required on his part. It must really suit him. Honestly children or no children it sounds like he has all he wants from you and won't be stepping things up. Fine if you also want something casual, but in this case you don't.

I really would step away and find someone who wants to commit to you. He isn't going to.

Is this really even about his children? Because it seems more of a case of he's not that into you, if he has other free nights and doesn't want to hang out. That's not a relationship. That's a casual friends with benefits situation.

elmo1980 · 25/06/2017 13:12

Have you had a discussion about what you both want for the future? For example, could it be a case of him feeling like hes got children therefore now just enjoying a relationship with no pressures of marriage and kids etc, whereas you are wanting a relationship with the promise of commitment and family of your own?

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 13:12

Even his friends (who I'd never met before but were very nice) couldn't believe he'd gone and left me. The event we'd gone to was expensive and if he didn't want to go I'd could have given his ticket that I bought, to someone else who would have stayed with me. It was his bloody idea to go. Been going on about it for ages

OP posts:
Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 13:17

To be honest it's not really about his children is it? Reading it back. There have been times he's said he wants to see more of me but he hasn't said that for a while. We have a holiday booked later in the year. Don't talk about the future really unless it's in very vague terms. I'm just feeling a bit rejected after last night. It's got me thinking that I'm not sure where we are going. It makes me sad because he's truly lovely

OP posts:
Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 13:55

I just can't reply to his text about how the rest of last night was. I keep looking at it and feeling so sad and let down 😔

OP posts:
TheStoic · 25/06/2017 14:06

It's not about you, OP. Or his kids. It sounds like his heart is not in it.

You are convenient to see when he has nothing else he'd rather be doing.

He will protest otherwise, but his actions speak louder. You deserve more and better.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 14:09

Yep I think you're right TheStoic. That's how I'm feeling. I need to speak to him about things. We have a holiday booked in September that was his idea. I'm really confused

OP posts:
Trickycat · 25/06/2017 14:10

You need to tell him this. Either he will explain what was going on and things will improve or you can move on.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 14:18

And he's asked me to look into extending our holiday duration. No wonder I'm confused. It doesn't help that I've just seen him but couldn't speak to him because DC were there. Not that I particularly feel like speaking to him today

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 25/06/2017 14:28

I agree with everyone, this isn't really about the children. He has four free nights a week, to only spend one with you and to go home early on that one 'because of the children' smacks of an excuse. This is obviously the level of commitment on offer, it probably isn't enough for you. Sorry OP you sound lovely and like you have a lot to offer, for whatever reason this isn't moving forward in the way you'd like.

TheNaze73 · 25/06/2017 14:34

I think you're being a bit needy.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 14:37

You're right Four. We did spend Friday night together. Last night was an extra and it was an expensive event that I had treated us to. And he went home saying he wasn't feeling well. We had only met up with his friends last minute, not planned. I just can't get over that he basically left me on my own. And how I would never ever treat him like that. I wouldn't do that to anyone actually. Maybe this just isn't right and it's such a shame because he's genuinely lovely. Although to put the boot on the other foot if we do meet extra nights that's usually his idea, not mine. Last night aside, he might be feeling the same as me. Maybe I need to take the bull by the horns. It's not like I ask him to do things on other nights and he refuses. We've just fallen into a pattern of once a week lately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 14:40

I don't think I'm being needy about last night TheNaze73. I'm not sure being left part way through the night out is good at all. I didn't cause a fuss, he thinks we're fine. I'm just venting here to get some perspective and let off steam. I was hurt

OP posts:
smitti · 25/06/2017 14:49

I can only assume there was a problem about the last minute meet up with his friends, did you get any clues from his behaviour what was going on. Did he want you to leave with him? How come you haven't met them before?

There's something you don't know, and it's not about his kids.

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