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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm really struggling

50 replies

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 12:38

God I feel awful. And selfish! Please help me see sense. Been with OH about 8 months. He has DC. I don't. I get that they come first, they must. But I'm really struggling with not being a priority. I know that sounds awful, really awful. My OH is wonderful mostly, kind, sociable etc. But we only see each other once a week and I'm starting to feel it's not enough. I feel like we should be moving forward but we're not. I feel very low down on his list of priorities at the moment. He hurt me last night, he didn't do anything really wrong but I felt rejected and a bit wounded. I realise that if we get to the point of me meeting DC things may change but I don't even feel we are heading in that direction. He loves that we are so 'relaxed' and easy going but I'm starting to get really fed up with it. And I feel sad because he is so lovely generally. I just feel so selfish and I would never say this to him. Am I awful?

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Original poster

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 15:02

There was no problem at all with his friends. I've met most of his friends, his DM, DSF, DS. I'd only not met these friends before as they live away and were in town for the event. They messaged him yesterday morning to say they were in town and did we want to meet up. Good job they were there really or I'd have been left all alone. No he didn't want me to go with him, he wanted me to stay and enjoy the event. I know he went straight home and I know he was alone. He said it was because we had a heavy night Friday and he felt crap and he wanted to be better for today when his DC arrive. And he was doing an event this morning he needed to be well for. I don't doubt his motives at all. I'm just miffed as it was embarrassing being left and I could have taken a friend instead. And I was hurt because I don't see him that often and I didn't want him to go. And this morning I saw him finish his event as my brother was also doing it. But I couldn't go find him to say well done as DC were meeting him there. Maybe I am being needy

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MatildaTheCat · 25/06/2017 15:05

IT sounds very much as if you are at different life stages and want different things. He wants a once a week girlfriend to hang out with and have fun while you want to plan a future.

You need to speak to him and ask him clearly what he wants. Walk away now if he has no plans to move things forward. You might well want a family of your own and he definitely doesn't sound as if that would be on his agenda.

Talk.

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 15:09

Yes we need to talk. We have spoken before about heavy stuff and he hasn't ruled out more DC. Not that we are anywhere near that kind of decision

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Angleshades · 25/06/2017 16:52

Why couldn't you have spoken to him this morning at the event? I know you say his dc's were there but why would that be a problem? I would have thought after 8 months that you'd be allowed to say hello to him in front of the dc's. Not necessarily introduced as a dp but as a friend saying hello.

I don't think you sound needy at all. But I agree with some of the other posters that you may be both looking for different things in a relationship. You definitely need to bring it up with him so that you're not left wasting your time with this one.

AutumnRose8 · 25/06/2017 20:29

I don't think you are the slightest bit needy. In fact you are holding back, making his children a possible reason for his behaviour. This has nothing to do with his time with his kids. It's about someone leaving you in quite an embarrassing way, when you have been kind enough to arrange - and pay for - a lovely evening. You obviously want to let rip about how you really felt last night, which is why you are not replying to him. At best he was unbelievably thoughtless, at worst downright rude and selfish. Tell him exactly how you were left feeling disappointed and uncomfortable. You deserve better and after eight months, need to sort out a few things if the relationship is to last. You sound really great regarding his children and not the least bit selfish. Him however...not so much.

SeaCabbage · 25/06/2017 20:37

If he has four nights a week free, why does he only see you once?

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 20:41

Because he wouldn't have wanted me to. It's complicated. I just feel shit. I'm going to end things and I'm going to be devastated. I don't feel like I can do this any more

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Original poster

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 20:43

I just feel shit 😔

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anothernew · 25/06/2017 21:56

If it's any consolation, I just ended it with someone I really didn't want to end it with. He gave good reasons for his distance, but ultimately, I didn't feel like he wanted me around. I kept asking if I should go, & he said no. But it was making me feel like I wasn't good enough; if I was good enough he'd sort it out. I know I've done the right thing, and better things are out there for me. If you've given him a fair chance but still don't feel happy... it's time to be selfish. Move on. Xxx

Dacquoise · 25/06/2017 21:58

Hi Aminuts, you seem to be very compliant and understanding towards this guy at the expense of your own needs and feelings, which is where Naze may be coming from.

As others have said the children may be more of an excuse than a reason to not see more of you. His needs are being met here, companionship, sex, plus one when necessary, all very compartmentalised around the rest of his life.

But what about you? When do you get to be a proper couple with interdependent lives, family, a future.

In the words of the great Angelou, don't be someone's option. You deserve to be someone's priority. This will not do your self esteem any favours. You deserve more.

anothernew · 25/06/2017 21:59

You can do it.

You're at the end of the line. He can always tell you you're wrong and sort it out. But if he doesn't it won't matter because you'll be looking forward to something that's better for you

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 22:30

You're all making me cry because you're right

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Dacquoise · 25/06/2017 22:48

Sending you a big hug. You will get over this but be good to yourself.

It's not you, there's nothing wrong in wanting more, it's him for not wanting to give you more, remember that.

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 22:54

Dacquiose what do I do?

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TheZeppo · 25/06/2017 23:02

Been there. Ended it. Pretended it was cuz he didn't want more kids; in reality I knew he didn't love me the same way I loved him.

I still work with him and it's been the hardest time of my life, but you know what? Definitely the right thing to do.

Dacquoise · 25/06/2017 23:19

What to do?

Perhaps have a very frank conversation with him about what you want and need from this relationship. Don't bring the children into, it's not really relevant.

Let him know how you really felt about his behaviour on Friday night.

Ask him what he is willing to do to meet your wants and needs for a relationship.

If he really wants to be with you, he will be afraid of losing you. If he seems a bit indifferent or defensive, you have your answer.

I feel for you, been there and felt very angry and used when I ended it but wouldn't go back for the world. You want what you want and shouldn't have to suppress that for anyone.

Be a priority, not an option!

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 25/06/2017 23:57

Thank you. Brilliant advice

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user1486956786 · 26/06/2017 03:47

Question - if in future you meet the DCs, do you think you would be happy seeing him more but them being there? Nothing wrong with either answer, but something to consider now.

TheStoic · 26/06/2017 05:12

Although to put the boot on the other foot if we do meet extra nights that's usually his idea, not mine.

Of course it is. It's all on his terms. Are you afraid that if you ask for what you actually want, it will become obvious he doesn't want the same thing?

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/06/2017 09:42

User yes I have thought about that and I have no problem seeing him with his DC there. Seems unlikely though to be fair

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bumblebee61 · 26/06/2017 09:51

I agree with most of the other posters, it sounds like his heart is not in this relationship at all. You need to have a frank discussion with him. if you can't be honest and up front after 8 months , it doesn't sound like you are very close really. Not the right relationship, sadly.

AutumnRose8 · 26/06/2017 10:10

Don't get too down about this Ami, at least not until you have the conversation. I suspect the reason we are all encouraging you to talk to him is because it's obvious that this isn't an equal relationship. Well, that's how I see it anyway. If you let it develop without boundaries, you are going to be feeling as bad as you've felt this last weekend, on a regular basis. And without even realising it, you start losing confidence in yourself.....and in your case blaming yourself, which you have already started to do. I think you've got a lovely attitude and a huge amount of self awareness regarding his children. That's great, but unfortunately I feel you're walking on egg shells, in case you come across as selfish asking for more of his time. You are not! He has more than enough time away from his kids, to commit to you a bit more. If that's not what he wants, then he needs to tell you, then you can decide if you are prepared to accept what he's offering......and remember sweetie, you deserve more than a few crumbs.x.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 26/06/2017 10:15

Unless you have a frank discussion with him regarding what you want from the relationship then he'll think you're cool with the status quo. It sounds like you put up and shut up so why would he think you're unhappy?

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/06/2017 15:45

Very true. I don't really want to end things as he's a lovely guy but we need to talk. I would like to see him more often some weeks, and he needs to know that what he did at the weekend was unacceptable and won't happen again. I am feeling a bit like he's setting all the rules at the moment. Your advice is all really helpful

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Original poster

Aminuts23 · 02/07/2017 12:42

Just by way of update we have just spent the main part of the weekend together. We spoke about last week and the event he left me at. He brought it up first saying how bad he felt. I told him it was totally out of order, emphasising how I could have taken someone else. I think it was that thought that shocked him more than anything, it genuinely hadn't occurred to him. He was left knowing in no uncertain terms that he is not the centre of the universe. I do have plenty of friends/family that I could have gone with. Anyhow we've put it behind us and had a nice weekend.

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