Unwanted attention - how much to tell DH

[abigboydidit]

I am treasurer of PTA and the man in question is the chair. He made a couple of comments that made me feel uncomfortable and I told DH about them. The comments have continued and then more recently he has started using FB messenger to contact me. Nothing has been hugely inappropriate - just "spotted you at the concert today - you looked stunning!" type stuff. I feel a bit trapped as I can't block him & I know I am being ridiculous as it is so low key. Today he has sent 5 messages and they are all signed off "x" which is new and makes me worry he thinks I am happy with him messaging me. I am ridiculously anxious about it! My DH knows what's happening but should I show him the messages? I worry he will go a bit caveman about it all. And he will want to tell the man's wife. Sorry - realise my post is rambling. I just have no clue what to do.

I would just reply with "please don't send me any non pta related messages. I don't like like receiving them"

That's it. If he doesn't get that message he is clearly stupid.

Thank you everyone. I have never replied to any 1:1 messages - they are quite new. The PTA messages I only reply to Monday to Friday as otherwise you never get a break! The reason I haven't showed DH is probably cowardice. I don't really want this becoming a big issue - I just want it to stop! I never met his first wife but he left her for the person he is with now, so I also worry that she will think there is something in it. As you will have picked up, I do tend to worry far too much about what people think.
Anyway - I have showed DH and he actually wasn't as cross as I had expected. I have told him my Mumsnet plan of replying with the standard "find the tone inappropriate, only contact me via PTA group chat" type message and he has agreed to eye him menacingly in the queue at Tesco I know I don't need him to speak for me or anything but we are a team and I would be upset if something similar happened to him and I didn't get a chance to offer advice.
The messages seem to have stopped since last night. Am keeping them though - just in case I need evidence as someone else suggested. Though they really aren't exactly exciting reading a just crossing a line I am not happy with.
Thanks again!

Glad you've shown DH and you've got a plan! Hope it all stops now.

If he thinks you're playing hard to get, you have to be clearer.

Tell him it is not appropriate behaviour, and he has to stop it now, and that if he doesn't you'll block him. If he tries to explain to you that you're wrong tell him the subject isn't up for discussion. If he carries on, block him and explain to everyone on the PTA why you've done it.

And for goodness' sake, tell your husband so this creep can't blackmail you in future; and tell your husband you're dealing with it, and you don't want him to get involved.

I really don't like this sort of behaviour and agree with you it's inappropriate and distasteful.

In all honesty, I have no idea what he is thinking. The verbal comments were so gradual that I started to think I was imagining it, so in a way the messages have confirmed my concerns. I have confided in another PTA colleague (before the messages started) and she just told me to ignore him/laugh it off but it has always felt a bit beyond banter

Don't use humour, be coy or "polite" about it or use your husband as a shield. Tell him straightforwardly and clearly that you find his messages inappropriate and to stop them. If he doesn't, he is harassing you.

As creative as some of the replies have been, the above is what you should be following. Men like this rely on women not to call them out on their shit, so, you must call him out on his shit.

Just look how you are tiptoeing between this sleazeball and the caveman reflex of your H. May I remind you that you've done nothing wrong, so stop using language (this is minor) and suggesting behaviour (selectively deleting messages) that suggest that the sleazy intentions of this chancer is anything other than a big deal.

I agree, Isetan.

Chicrock had it on page 1. "Hi X, please don't message me unless it's PTA related, I'm finding the amount of messages and their tone inappropriate. Thanks".

Men like this rely on women not to call them out on their shit, so, you must call him out on his shit.

No, there are no 'musts'. It's not her job to educate him, unless she wants to. She should do what works for her, nothing more and nothing less.

Maybe he's testing the waters to see how far it gets him...

He sounds very creepy. Definitely keep the messages and for God sake avoid being alone with him and be with others when you go back to your car after meetings etc

From what you've said I can't see how you're husband would go mad but I'd feel uncomfortable too
I'd probably take screen shots and let the school Head know it's inappropriate and to deal with it / if they don't take it seriously ( ;I'm sure they will though) then escalate - but have your evidence saved and don't respond to the comments unless it's 'stop'

I find it scary that women are conditioned to be 'polite' even when they are being harrassed. It gives the man power as they know that the politeness naturally stop the correct response which is get lost.

Meant to say - I suspect you've told us the more suitable comments - but still creepy and inappropriate

I'm glad you did tell your DH. I told my DP because it's better in the open. You have nothing to hide.

I have never given my number to anyone at work and I'm not FB friends with anyone either. I have a colleague who last week messaged me on Facebook messenger, out of the blue asking a seemingly innocent question.

I saw him at shift handover and he was quite put out that I hadn't answered him. A bit too put out. He said he'd searched Facebook to find me. I laughed and asked was he a stalker as that's a lot of trouble to go to find out if it was hot in work ( it's always bloody hot). He said' I just wanted to buy you an ice cream'. Nah mate! Saw through him and shut it down straight away. No mixed messages or being polite because ' I'm a girl '

I told DP, his reply was 'cheeky fucker'. I told him not because I need protecting or a cave man response but because we are open about everything.

I like Hidingtonothing's method of dealing with it on page 2. Good luck OP.

Am a bloke. The guy is probably just an opportunist testing the waters rather than a serious creep. He shouldn't do this, given that he knows you are married, but there are a lot of chancers out there both male and female so it happens all the time The simplest and most direct approach is to tell him you'd rather his messages stayed strictly professional and appropriate in tone. This is 95% likely to work. Not sure how this "conditioned to be polite" thing applies but I suspect this guy is already expecting an impolite response, if you're a chancer targeting married women it goes with the territory.

I'm more concerned that you fear your H will respond with sufficient aggression to escalate matters. You are not a bone for dogs-with-dicks to fight over.
Sometimes, it's the women who have already been conditioned (by a domineering partner) to please and placate and fear men, who get the most shit from other creeps.

I would tell my boyfriend and show him all the messages if I were in your shoes.

I would say "..sorry, you realise i'm married don't you? only your messages seem flirtatious and its inappropriate."

dogfish No, he most definitely is a serious creep.