Unwanted attention - how much to tell DH

[abigboydidit]

I am treasurer of PTA and the man in question is the chair. He made a couple of comments that made me feel uncomfortable and I told DH about them. The comments have continued and then more recently he has started using FB messenger to contact me. Nothing has been hugely inappropriate - just "spotted you at the concert today - you looked stunning!" type stuff. I feel a bit trapped as I can't block him & I know I am being ridiculous as it is so low key. Today he has sent 5 messages and they are all signed off "x" which is new and makes me worry he thinks I am happy with him messaging me. I am ridiculously anxious about it! My DH knows what's happening but should I show him the messages? I worry he will go a bit caveman about it all. And he will want to tell the man's wife. Sorry - realise my post is rambling. I just have no clue what to do.

And I've just spotted the 'reply with humour' suggestion!! What? Why should you have to put up with someone leching at you if you don't like it. Tell him to stop it. This whole thread seems to be an exercise in protecting your husband's pride or being careful not to upset the slime ball. What about your feelings?

Why does he gave your number at all. Stop replying and block his number. He is a loon

I don't get ur just show your husband the messages

Do not delete any messages that's evidence for if he escalates his behaviour. I really don't understand your responses though

You don't need to use your husband as an excuse. I think Chic's message is good.

It doesn't matter of you have a DH or not. If you don't want lechy messages you don't need a man as an excuse to stop them. You just send a message saying 'stop with inapropriate messages'. Women are conditioned to think that would be rude but it isn't rude at all.

Don't use humour, be coy or "polite" about it or use your husband as a shield. Tell him straightforwardly and clearly that you find his messages inappropriate and to stop them. If he doesn't, he is harassing you.

He is relying on you being intimidated to allow him to continue this behaviour, imagining that he is somehow being nice to you, fantasising that you enjoy his attention.

Getting your husband to intervene just reinforces the trope that you are already 'owned' by another man so this letch can't have you. The fact that you are married is not the reason he needs to stop. The fact that you do not appreciate the messages (and are telling him so) is why he needs to stop.

Also never mind your husband wanting to tell his wife, I'd bloody want to tell her, she deserves to know who she's married to. It's highly unlikely you're the only other woman he's ever tried this kind of thing on with.

I would change the messaging to the more formal email or if you absolutely have to do Fb/what's app then group messages. So something like:

"I am finding the tone of your messages uncomfortable and unprofessional please only contact me regarding PTA events via group message or via email if confidential." (Change contact method as needed. If he has your mobile number absolutely block him if you can.)

If he carries on then

"I will not answer any one to one messages and if you continue to send them then I will be forced to report this to the head as harassment."

Our PTA do everything via monthly meetings and email. No one has anyone's mobile number and we don't have any messenger apps. An email copying in anyone relevant means we all only deal with what we need to, the conversation chain is visible and no one has to give out mobile numbers.

I would only reply to messages about PTA business and send the same response every time; 'please use PTA group chat only, thanks.' If he questions it just say it's easier if all info/discussion is in one place where all concerned can see it. Makes it clear that your only connection with him is PTA business and takes away his excuse to message you personally. I relish closing sleazes like him down but prefer to do it by thwarting their methods rather than direct confrontation, then I amuse myself by imagining their frustration at not being able to either continue harassing me nor attempt to humiliate me by insisting I've 'misinterpreted' their intentions, game set and match

Stop cowering away like a little girl. Tell this pig in no uncertain terms that he is to stop messaging you NOW or you will report his behaviour to the board and you will also be sharing all of his inappropriate messages with your husband. Do NOT delete anything he has sent you, and be sure to make hard copies. For the sake of every woman who deals with pigs like this, don't let him get away with it.

Tell DH & get it nipped in the bud. Don't be selective with the ones you show him though. If you don't call a halt to it, he'll take it as encouragement.

Good luck, nobody should put up with this harassment.

I certainly wouldn't take mother0fdragon's advice and use a coy approach. He'd think you were flirting with him. Just be up front. You're a grown woman ffs.

Whether you have a DH or not is irrelevant. You don't need a man to stand up for you, do you? Just be straightforward and plain speaking. Tell him he needs to stop sending you inappropriate texts and use formal channels for PTA business.

Maybe respond to all messages via the group chat?

What Giraffey1 said, rely on yourself to defend yourself, if you were single, what would you do? FFS its 2017, not 1957

I was in a similar type situation. An old friend's husband started emailing me out of the blue. At the beginning I responded as I thought we were 'catching up' on old times. He then started signing off with kisses. I ignored them but then he sent messages saying 'Oh are you ignoring me now'. They were so odd especially as I hadn't seen him in years and years.

I replied asking him what he thought his wife might think if she saw his messages. He replied to say not to worry as she didn't know his password! I then sent a very straight up message saying that I thought his wife would be very hurt if she saw the messages and misinterpreted them and proceeded to block him. He sent a few apologies which I ignored. I was very glad I did when I later learned he and his wife had split up. I lost sleep at the thought that somehow I'd have been implicated in their marriage break up!

I'd reply saying that you and your DH think the messages are inappropriate and you'd like to stick to the PTA topics only. There is a very good chance that he has form for this.

Well it's worked for me in the past and means I can still work with the person without the awkwardness you'd get from being blunt. I'd also tell dh but say I'm dealing with it.

Obviously humour is step one and if he gets the message then life goes on - no need to be aggressive from the off. If he continues then of course you have to be much blunter but he's just sending flirty messages not assaulted her. She has to face him in meetings and on the playground so for her own sanity why create animosity that she'll then have to deal with the awkwardness. I'm not suggesting humour to spare his feelings.

Thing is m0therofdragons, I wouldn't feel(/haven't felt) awkward when later dealing with men I've straightforwardly informed I felt they were behaving inappropriately. Why should I feel awkward - I did nothing wrong. They might feel awkward, but that's not my problem nor my job to appease their discomfort at facing the consequences of their actions.

I believe a woman feeling uncomfortable in this situation is more social conditioning that we are supposed to please everyone else and make sure they feel comfortable, even if they are the ones behaving inappropriately.

He's sent some messages telling her she's attractive not filthy pervy ones so I don't see the need to go in hard. i think men like this either misunderstand boundaries or, if he's the slimeball op suggests then it's likely he is the type that get their kicks out of making women feel flustered / uncomfortable so I wouldn't rise to it.

Please try not to feel anxious. You can't be blamed or held responsible for someone else's actions.

I've had this several times from men where I was not in a position to block them completely.

I ignored it until they lost interest. No drama. But kept all their messages, just in case.

I'd tell the Head right away in confidence now. This harassing guy is abusing his position in the school's name, and the Head can decide what to do about that.

I'd tell him that his messages are becoming over-familiar and that you don't like it. Be direct. Being polite, humorous, coy etc. will not get the message home to someone with poor boundaries, he'll just see you as a challenge! Show you're dp anyway once you've responded.

Will people stop with the "stop being so pathetic" comments I'm sure the OP knows she's a "grown woman" but is feeling anxious about this! If she feels she doesn't want to approach him directly, there's nothing wrong in her asking someone else to do it for her.

I had a similar experience and I felt sick having this creep texting me. I thought I could deal with it but he wouldn't listen and kept texting so I showed Dh. He did go caveman and he nipped the whole thing in the bud straight away. I bloody wish I'd roped Dh in straight away as the creep texting was a mysoginsitc wanker, who didn't listen to women! As most of them are!

OP So don't feel bad about getting Dh to ring him up and sort this, if you don't want to. My Dh rang and advised he may way to stop harassing me, as a visit from my DH to discuss things, may not be good for his business.

Personally I would reply telling him he is being over familiar and that I don't appreciate it, enclosing his message; and accidentally send it to the whole PTA (including head).