++deep sigh++ Just after some reassurance/positive words I think

[Tenpenny]

My husband and I separated last year as I found out he had been having an affair with a much younger woman he worked with. Our relationship wasn't great at all really - we have a child together but now I realise in hindsight the Red Flags were waving tall and strong pretty much from the beginning. We were together the best part of ten years. We became unhappy, he became emotionally abusive and I fell into a deep depression and cut myself off from the world for a long time.

Happier now we're apart. Its just, within a year he has had 3 holidays with the OW and has been living this wonderful life. He has been threatening and manipulative towards me resulting in police involvement. I am at home a lot as friends dwindled to none over the years. Am trying my best to change this though. Our child is happy enough and spends regular time with her dad.

Here's my issue. Why the fuck should he be so happy while I'm so alone?? After everything he has done. I know how childish I sound but these are my feelings.

I cannot get over how little remorse he has for the total anguish he caused me.

Hopeful bump...

How do you know he's having a wonderful life though? Has he told you, have you seen in on fb & insta?

Your life sounds pretty good since you left him :)

Sometimes you have to concede that what you had just wasn't right.

You both sound a lot happier now.

Sorry. It is tough and you sound down and still a bit depressed.

What I can say, as someone who has been depressed myself (twice) - it's not helpful looking at other people and comparing your life to them. Or expect their actions to change how you feel - e.g. even if he was 'remorseful' you, most likely; won't feel much happier.

So - you need to figure out what makes you happy. And find a way to go for it.

I think fucking his colleague goes a bit beyond their relationship just not being right. What an arsehole.

OP, my XH cheated on me with many different prostitutes. Several years on and he has a new GF who took him back after her first discovery of prostitutes and has turned a blind eye thereafter. She cooks and cleans for him, and provides childcare / entertainment. He's happy as a pig in shit.

Plenty of people will say to you "oh but is he really happy?". Well / yeah, sorry - he probably is.

I get that it feels unjust, I feel it to!

The thing to remember is that no matter how happy or unhappy he is - that has no impact on how happy you can be. Carry on building your own life, and enjoy it.

There's a way that I can see his Facebook profile picture - for some reason I had a look today after months, and there he is with her looking genuinely happy and well and having fun.
I didnt/haven't deserved the bile he has text /said to me this past year. Its like he thinks its absolutely fine to take his venom over anything out on me still. The girlfriend gets his happy, content side and the bile gets thrown at me. Only last week he told me he would be trying for sole custody of our child (completely illogical and my solicitor just shakes his head). He just wants me upset. If he is so fucking happy why can't he be civil to me? I just don't understand it.

I'm waiting for karma sadly there is none.

I think that saying about drinking poison and expecting the other person to die applies here, you're applying your own standards to someone who clearly falls well below your level of decency. Hard though it is you have to accept that he doesn't feel remorse because he's a shit person and once you alter your thinking to reflect that you can start to move on from the anguish and anger you feel. Continuing to expect what feels to you like a normal, natural response to the awful way he's treated you is futile (because he's a morally bankrupt shit) and will ultimately only make this harder for you.

My way of dealing with this would be to channel the anger I felt at being treated badly into making my life as happy as possible in spite of him. Everytime that anger makes you feel defeated push that feeling aside and think 'fuck you, I'm going to show you how happy I can be now I'm free of you'. It might not work for everyone but it works for me although that might just be because I'm a stubborn old moo who refuses to let anyone get the better of me Give it a try, it might be the push you need to start living again

I get why you feel the way you do.

Looking at his fb page = BIG mistake. Big.

Don't do it again! You have to keep your eye on your own life, focus on that and ask the good stuff within it. Start comparing your life - to him, to anyone - and you're lost. Bcs that shit steals your joy. You just can't afford it.

Just a little aside: he's not so happy that he doesn't need to get off abusing you. Happy people don't need to do that.

I hope you've shut down all but the most basic comms with him, then pared that back even more. Until it's the very barest bones. Yes?

He's a nasty bully. Picking and choosing who to pick on.
I would speculate that anyone carrying around that amount of vitriol (the threats, the texts, the past stuff) cannot be truly happy in the long term.
Are you keeping screen shots of threats and so on, that demonstrate what a wonderful piece of humanity he is (re: sole custody threats)?

Lovely posts from hiding and spring.
I second being very strict with yourself regarding Facebook. It takes willpower, but you can do it.

From what I've observed, the kind of men who have serial/sustained affairs have a somewhat limited emotional range. Feelings like guilt/shame/regret are beyond them, but so are the feelings on the other end of the spectrum, you know, the kind of deep joy you experience from truly loving another person. So yes, in a carnal, animalistic way, he is 'happy' (a better word might be content). He's getting his basest needs met: flashy holidays, sex with a younger woman and doubtless plenty of ego-stroking too. But is he experiencing the deepest and most profound happiness a human being is capable of? Unlikely.

I've put a lot of time and effort into bettering myself eg exercise, making my face a bit more known with people via daughters school and work, so I do get annoyed with myself when I have these down episodes. But then even just a text message from him asking something innocuous about dd puts me on edge. I don't even reply to messages usually unless its absolutely necessary, for my own peace of mind.
I have never had aggressive words about the OW. I work alongside young women her age and would be very protective towards them if they told me they were seeing a man 15 years their elder.
I have never so much as attempted to stop our child from seeing her father. And yet he cannot be civil.
I filed for divorce and he told me it is not high on his list of priorities to deal with that, so I will have to wait.. he then asked why I was in a hurry to divorce, "its not like you're getting married yet"! I'm not joking.

I totally get what you are all saying about being "stunted" emotionally. I understand it completely, I just need to nail that fact into my brain.

I totally get what you are all saying about being "stunted" emotionally. I understand it completely, I just need to nail that fact into my brain.

You basically need to sort of reprogramme your thinking to take account of his inadequacies as a human being, stop expecting him to behave with any sort of decency because it's clearly beyond him. I wonder if CBT would help? You could ask your GP to refer you or even just watch some of the CBT stuff on YouTube, can't hurt to give it a try if you're struggling with the way he makes you feel

I am actually having counselling, forgot to mention that because I haven't been able to go for a couple of weeks. There's been a few times I've just sat and cried for a full half hour
Thanks for all of your kind words. It really helps to hear from people outside of my bubble, if you know what I mean.

Tenpenny I've just come back from a good date and have been dating on-and-off for about a year now. I also work and I focus on my DCs and friends & family. The reason I say this is that this normality is my wall of defence against exactly what you are experiencing. I knew that my exH hated me when we were together, he was abusive. I now get bile thrown at me and he's off laughing with OW.

As other posters have said fuck him the big pathetic baby you have to focus on you. His biggest fear is probably you moving on and him knowing that he's the biggest twat ever not as good as you.

Do you want to spend any more time and energy on him, or can you spend it on you?

He doesn't sound happy to me. Still pissing around with prostituted, being a shit, angry person towards you? Hmmmm

And there's a saying;

"If only you're life is a wonderful as you make out it is on Facebook"

Your. Is.

Bloody phone

As!

I'll go now

Lana when you say you knew your ex hates you while you were together - what did he get out of your relationship? Thats really made me think. There were times I believe my husband actually delighted in my misery.
I really need to get a life and get some friends, but its difficult as a fully grown, quite distrustful adult!

I really need to get a life and get some friends, but its difficult as a fully grown, quite distrustful adult!

I find this really hard too, there seems to be loads of genuine, supportive women I would love to have as friends on MN but I can never seem to find them in real life

Yes it seems to be very hard I don't find many people that I really gel with.

And worse still, I would absolutely love a boyfriend. Absolutely. And I feel very silly saying that.

Nothing silly about it Ten ((hug)) although I do think being single for a spell can be a damn good excuse to be totally selfish for a while and that can be quite liberating. It takes time but I think it's a matter of filling your life with things that make you happy rather than focusing on what you don't have.

Sometimes that means thinking outside the box a bit and being prepared to explore stuff you wouldn't have in the past, anything to broaden your horizons and get you out there, meeting people and living rather than just existing. Any (decent, non-abusive) man will tell you there's nothing more attractive than a happy, fulfilled woman who seems to have her life sorted. That's how you attract good guys rather than those who look for weakness and insecurity to exploit or damaged women they can control 'rescue'.

You can choose how your future pans out now so focus on that and your own happiness and stop beating yourself around the head with how happy his life appears to be on fb

Thank you Hiding you are very wise.

Is there something small you could do tonight or tomorrow to cheer yourself up? Sometimes giving yourself a little lift can make the next step clearer and more achievable, it's hard to take positive action when you're feeling shitty. Depends what you're into but a favourite film and a pig out on the sofa with your favourite food or a walk somewhere beautiful (weather permitting) tomorrow or a long bath and pamper session, anything that makes you feel good. It's always music with me, if I get any child-free time (extremely rare) the first thing I do is put something I love on the stereo, crank it up and sing my head off