++deep sigh++ Just after some reassurance/positive words I think

[Tenpenny]

My husband and I separated last year as I found out he had been having an affair with a much younger woman he worked with. Our relationship wasn't great at all really - we have a child together but now I realise in hindsight the Red Flags were waving tall and strong pretty much from the beginning. We were together the best part of ten years. We became unhappy, he became emotionally abusive and I fell into a deep depression and cut myself off from the world for a long time.

Happier now we're apart. Its just, within a year he has had 3 holidays with the OW and has been living this wonderful life. He has been threatening and manipulative towards me resulting in police involvement. I am at home a lot as friends dwindled to none over the years. Am trying my best to change this though. Our child is happy enough and spends regular time with her dad.

Here's my issue. Why the fuck should he be so happy while I'm so alone?? After everything he has done. I know how childish I sound but these are my feelings.

I cannot get over how little remorse he has for the total anguish he caused me.

Lana when you say you knew your ex hates you while you were together - what did he get out of your relationship? Thats really made me think. There were times I believe my husband actually delighted in my misery.

Absolutely, in my case it was a power trip for my exH to be in control and he delighted in me being 'wrong'. Realising and accepting that he will never change so will always throw bile my way has meant I'm not questioning or waiting for it to stop anymore. It's like accepting that a fault exists, but not that it's mine.

Hiding makes the good point that you start small and build up to having other things in your life. I didn't date until 7 months post split and realistically it has taken 18 months to feel fully strong against my ex. Now when the bile is thrown I tend to laugh. It's a lot easier to see that behind the smiles with OW they have toxic minds. I don't want that, I don't throw comments back as I'm too busy, they are welcome to it.

Developing friendships can be easier if you share what you have gone through. Try to be honest with some of the people around you and that can help them share with you too. Alternatively try joining or helping a group or charity. The more contact with other emotionally balanced normal people the more you are distanced emotionally from your ex.

I wonder if signing up for your nearest Freedom Programme might be good for you OP. Might be easier for you to open up to others who've been in abusive relationships initially and it might help you feel less alone, not to mention how much it will teach you about how to have healthier relationships in the future.

Lana my husband once shouted at me in a shop because he didnt like the choice of cushions I had picked out for our sofa, he later asked me why the hell I should be the one in control of this choice. He would make me feel like I was controlling and belittling HIM. I agree totally with putting yourself in touch with as many normal people as possible, even on an acquaintance kind of basis. I'm doing my best at this but mostly cone away feeling that no one is quite my sort of crowd.
Hiding I thought a lot about the Freedom programme but since seeing my counsellor I feel like I'm already doing something similar.
Today our daughter is with him so I have the house to myself, I'm just going to potter around and do some food shopping later, very basic stuff. When I'm a bit down and mixed up mentally I keep things very simple. Thanks again for everyones kind helpful words.

Tenpenny I felt incredible guilt at the end of my relationship. It took my counsellor 4 sessions before I could even start to see how much I had been manipulated. I seriously thought I was going to find out why I was so wrong, would then have to deal with a bigger shame, and that I needed to be fixed. I felt different from others as they didn't seem to doubt who they were and they seemed to find decision-making easy.

My ex still tries to use manipulative words and body language, but I try wharever technique at the time that I think will defend me the most. There are lots but here are things you may find useful to try:
No contact - don't respond when you don't have to
Re-edit emails - leave in only the portion that relates to childcare and answer that part only
Grey rock - reply with ok or no only and stick to it use a poker face and bored body language (more boring you are less reactionary he is likely to be)

You could also start a hobby you can do easily that involves youtube videos or cheap books/apps. Craft or learn a language type thing. Everytime you want to check his fb or feel that you aren't ok drive your energy into your hobby. This may be a starting point to join a group even online to do normal things.

You can also help others on here because you are the step along and now recognise that his controlling toddler outburst manipulation over things like cushions was wrong.

Lama says what I would have, go as low contact as possible and only respond to messages regarding dropping off/picking up your dc. You do not need to respond to nothing else and shouldn't, even if he escalates to ridiculousness because you're ignoring his sheer fucking stupidity. Give yourself permission to ignore his shit. Maybe even get a second cheap phone that you only use for him.

He's just pissed off that he can no longer control you. Ignore the arsehole.