Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Emotional affair. Now I'm blocked and not sure if he's going to tell DH

38 replies

Inhiding40 · 24/06/2017 11:53

Name change for this as I'm not proud of myself.

For the last few months I've been having an emotional affair, we have had sex once.

I ended it on Friday. However he has turned nasty, blocked my number so I can't contact him on anything and now he has set up a fake FB account and sent my husband a friend request?! I can't ask him why he's done this, cause he's blocked me on everything.

My DH and I are on the verge of splitting due to many reasons, he's also cheated, but I'm worried if he tells him, that it will screw up my divorce settlement and I also don't want to hurt him because I still very much care for him.

Sad thing is, I actually thought this guy really liked me.

OP posts:

boolifooli · 24/06/2017 11:55

It's an affair. You had sex. How will DH knowing affect your settlement. Is it because you've got a sweeter deal because he cheated? I would tell him and negotiate again.

louisejxxx · 24/06/2017 11:58

It's not really just an emotional affair if you had sex is it?

Come clean - it will atleast speed up the process. It's not really very fair of you to keep it to yourself just so you can get a "better deal" when you've been as bad as he has.

ChicRock · 24/06/2017 11:58

You probably need to discuss this with your DH before this guy gets in there with his version of events.

I'm curious as to why you think this'll affect your settlement. Is your DH coughing up more than he should out of guilt for his affair? If that's the case then shame on you.

Original poster

Inhiding40 · 24/06/2017 12:05

Its not that I will be entitled to more because he's cheated, I can only divorce for UB anyway as can't prove it. I'm just worried that he will really put up a fight if he knows I've cheated as well, even though he was unfaithful first!!

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 24/06/2017 12:15

Er, you both deserve whatever you get? Your marriage is over. If you really cared you wouldn't have had an affair.

LizTaylorsFabulousTurban · 24/06/2017 12:17

You can go on the grounds of your adultery. As far as settlement is concerned, the UK (I'm assuming you're in the UK) doesn't settle based on blame.

CremeFresh · 24/06/2017 12:18

How do you know he's sent a friend request to your husband?

AlcoholandIrony · 24/06/2017 12:23

Firstly - not an emotional affair.

Secondly - are you actually in the process of splitting up with your husband or are you still together?

Settlement is not based on blame. I think you should tell your husband before this is used against you OP. Put up a fight for what, exactly? If it is just assists, then best to get it all squared away now

TheNaze73 · 24/06/2017 12:24

You've created all this drama by fucking someone else.

Tell your DP so he can have a test

DearMrDilkington · 24/06/2017 12:25

How do you know he made a fake account and it's him that sent the friend request?

Original poster

Inhiding40 · 24/06/2017 12:25

LizTaylors, yes I'm in the UK.

CremeFresh, he originally set up the FB account to get in touch with me as I blocked him a while back. Yesterday he blocked me on it and my DH mentioned that he'd just got a friend request of this person, said name, but doesn't know who he is so deleted the request. I then managed to get his phone and block this guy so he can't send DH a message.

OP posts:

PinkHeart5911 · 24/06/2017 12:27

You shagged him so that isn't an emotional affair that's a full blown one.

You & your dh have both cheated, so as bad as each other really. just end your marriage and move on with your lives

WeeMcBeastie · 24/06/2017 13:00

Being hostile towards the OP isn't helpful, she's come here looking for advice! The marriage was obviously dead if they both cheated anyway! In the case of most marriage break ups there is someone else involved, it's the minority who leave without having someone else lined up. Life is rarely that simple, if the OP's husband was cheating on her she probably felt like shit and it's not really surprising that she was succeptible to the attention of someone else.
OP - Your settlement won't be affected. The judge won't care who has done what, they just look at income, debts and best scenario for and wishes of children (if there are any)
Plus he has no right to be awkward if he's cheated too. Good luck 😊

Saiman · 24/06/2017 13:05

You didnt have an emotional affair. You had an affair.

Are you and your husband separated? How would you know or think about the divorce settlement.

Is the marriage over? Because it sounds like your dh doesnt know that yet.

It should be though. This whole thing is a joke.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 24/06/2017 13:15

There's more than one way to skin a rabbit OP - if your OM is minded to tell DH about your affair then he will. He doesn't need social media to help him, he'll find a way.

My advice would be to come clean to DH first, if you think that him finding out will be a bad thing. If you're divorcing anyway & DH has already cheated - will he really care that much?

boolifooli · 24/06/2017 13:35

I then managed to get his phone and block this guy so he can't send DH a message.

Sorry but this is all ridiculous. Bloody grow up and tell him.

Original poster

Inhiding40 · 24/06/2017 13:52

boolifooli...Im glad you think this is all ridiculous and your life is so black and white!! It's not a case of "grow up and tell him", if only life was that simple. But cheers for your advice, very much appreciated.

Our marriage has not really been a marriage for a few months, sleeping in separate rooms so we are like mates at best. I think he is happy like this. For me though, it's over. We had issues before but him sleeping with someone was the icing on the cake. My OM came along after this and boy it was nice to feel good and wanted again.

We have 2DC. We have a family holiday booked in August so I'm trying to plod on until then before I ask for a divorce. Unless EXOM gets in there first and tells him.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 24/06/2017 13:57

Not much you can do other than hope and pray he loses interest and moves on quietly.

I assume he'd have proof of your affair? Texts etc?

WeAreEternal · 24/06/2017 14:01

"Er, you both deserve whatever you get? Your marriage is over. If you really cared you wouldn't have had an affair."

100% this.

LucieLucie · 24/06/2017 16:10

Wow so many nasty judgemental perfectionists on here isn't there InHiding?!
The risk he tells is there, but what would he gain by doing that?
Does this man work or have a partner himself? Is there evidence of the cheating (pictures etc)?
Your marriage is over, I understand your wanting to end it officially when the times right after the holiday and no-one else should become involved in doing that.

Won't your dh notice this guy is on his blocked list and wonder why as he never actually blocked him?

AlcoholandIrony · 24/06/2017 16:18

I know it's tricky OP. but I think it would be better if you came clean.

Just tell your partner what you told us - that you wanted to feel good again and slept with this man, who is now threatening to tell on you.

You may not get much sympathy from your H but at least you've told him on your terms and then you can both try and guddle through this mess.
The right thing is rarely easy.

How are you feeling OP?
In an ideal world, what would you like to see come out of this scenario?

Babyblues14 · 24/06/2017 16:23

Your really not painting a good picture of yourself here.
Your relationship is over because he cheated? Then leave. Dont use it as an excuse to cheat.
And your sticking around for a family holiday before you ask for a divorce? What the actual fuck.
I hope if you dont tell him then the guy manages to. You get what you deserve. Dont want to get caught, dont cheat.

RockyBird · 24/06/2017 16:28

It's a bit of a mess. You're well shot of OM. You may have to come clean if he tells your H.

I hope the split goes smoothly for you and your kids' sakes.

Can't you take the kids on hols or your H? That will take away the need to plod on til then.

RhubardGin · 24/06/2017 16:34

You're as bad as each other. Your marriage is a joke.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Just tell him and walk away.

TooFew · 24/06/2017 16:37

OP...as nice as it would be to get some well rounded non-judgemental advice this is not the place for it. Too many self rightous inconsiderate people that are nasty for the sake of it.

If your H was considerate enough to tell you about his affair you should owe him that same courtesy. The consequences are what they are. Sounds like your OM is just a little bitter so you're lucky you ended that when you did.

If you're open and honest with your H now there's now there's no reason you can't all still go on holiday...divorces don't have to be full of rage and bitterness. By the sounds of it your living situation is already that of a couple that have given up.

Flip

1 2