Nasty argument, how do you work through it?

[Emboo19]

Apologies if it's a bit long and all over the place, I'm a bit hungover and didn't sleep much last night.

I've been with my boyfriend almost 4 years, we have a dd who is 8 months now. Wasn't a planned baby and he really struggled and we had a difficult first few months. He's had counselling and we've been doing really well, we live together and everything's been good.

We had a baby free night out last night. I'm breastfeeding and so haven't been drinking much and it was a big night out, lots of alcohol. He was drunk, I was very drunk.

So we got into a silly argument, I think it was about food, but can't quite remember and we'd stopped and we were ok again. (I'm just trying to give a overall feel of the night) We headed home and he said something when we got in, it related to dd not being home and how nice that was. I can't go into the whole argument as it would be very long and I can't remember exactly how it went or why escalated like it did, but it was horrible and I was in particular very nasty. He walked out, but came back a hour or so later, he stayed downstairs though and I was up in bed. He had football this morning and he asked me if I wanted him to stay home instead, I said no, and that's all we've said since.

He'll be out most of this morning so I've got time to think, but I just don't know what to say or do. I know I need to apologise and I think it means we've still got some issues I've been choosing to ignore.
But where do I start? I feel sick and not just from drink, but I keep remembering things I said and I'm not sure how I can take it back!!

This isn't a usual thing for us either, we don't argue when drunk or really at all! This is the worst we've ever had by a long shot!

I guess the first thing to ask is did you mean the horrible things you said, or were you saying things that you thought would hurt him purely to hurt him.

Both of them need an apology obviously, but if you meant them then you both need to chat about the underlying issues that you have verbalised, in a less angry and argumentative way.

Try and drink lots of water this morning and get your head a bit sorted ready to have a chat when he gets in. When's your DD back? Will you be able to have an uninterrupted chat?

Thanks Geeky I don't think I meant all of it, no. But I'm never normally nasty for the sake of it and so I don't know where that came from!
I think there's one thing in particular that I just can't seem to forget or get over. I'm not sure why though.

I'm not sure if I should go to my parents house, to stay with dd for a bit (there not home at the moment) or if that's a bit running away...

My DD's home now.

Do you have resentment which drinking brought to the surface?

I think this morning he has acted reasonably so that's positive.An argument like this damages your relationship connection so it's needs to be resolved and healed.It also damages trust.

Yes, being completely honest Hermonie there's something I'm resentful about and I think when he told me about it seemed nothing compared to the other stuff, so we never really discussed it. Although I don't remember mentioning that last night.

He's text to ask how I am and if DD was ok with his mum last night, he should be home about 1/1.30 so I might see if his brother will watch DD so we can talk.

I've also just thought, our lovely neighbors most likely heard us last night and I'm so embarrassed!

Neighbours even!!! I'm not convinced I'm not still a little bit drunk!

I wonder if joint counselling might be helpful for you? Seems like you've been bottling stuff up and if you had the chance to let it out in a healthy environment you might start to communicate better? Good luck for the chat later. Apologise and be honest ... and don't drink so much again!

Sounds daft, but did you drink vodka? There is something about vodka which means I just get nasty drunk (unreasonable, snappy, up for an argument and just generally horrible) so I don't drink it anymore.

Any other drink and I just giggle and say hi to everyone, it's only vodka that turns me into a cow!

It sounds to me like he is ready to forgive and forget (asking you if you wanted him to stay home, if he was very angry at you then he would have just gone).

If you didn't mean to be nasty, then apologise and chalk it up to an excess of booze and tiredness from your first night out in a while.

If you did mean to be nasty then take some time today til you feel better (not hungover), go to a neutral place like a beach or park and have a long walk and a talk.

Lady Cooke makes my friend the same, we the nights "glad, mad and sad" as she will do these on a cycle, you don't know if your coming or going.

I've been along to a few counselling sessions with him Alittlepot and I understand why and I know he feels guilty about it still and he's doing everything he can to make it up to me and DD! So I don't know what else can never said really.
I don't know! Maybe talking when I'm hungover and emotional won't be a good idea at all!

Yes I was drinking vodka, but I usually do! And I'm never normally nasty!

What did you say to him?

Did you insult his character? Were you verbally abusive?

Hmm, I'm not sure BadHatter what defines that? We were both shouting and arguing.
I said something's that are true, but the way I said them was mean and uncalled for.

His brother is here and going to take DD, to the park so I'll talk to him soon. I'm a bit sketchy on exactly what we both said to be 100% honest.

If you are not sure about what happened and how you feel then you could be sure to let him talk first at length as you listen.

It would also be fine to say, I think I'm still maybe a bit drunk and very definitely badly hungover. You must be feeling pretty rough too. How about we discuss tomorrow after a good night's sleep?

God I was fucking horrible! I was hoping I was remembering it much worse than it actually, but no it was worse.
I feel like crap!!

We have left it for now RunRabbit he's pretty keen to just forget it and move. As much as I'd like to do that, ideally with some kind of memory erasing drug so I don't have to remember what I said. I think we will need to talk about it properly, just not right now!

Your second paragraph is the only one that leaped out at me.

Can you work together as a family, for each other, for your darling baby? That is what you need to work on and if a relationship together is not what you both want then work together on having relationships with your daughter and supporting each other to do that. You have created a person who needs you both, in any possible combination.

Sounds like you need to work through hurt and resentment. Perhaps you can do some joint sessions to talk about it in a more constructive way? Ignoring how you really feel isn't going to help long term.

If an appology is all that is needed great. But if theres some underlying issuesthat you have been bottling up then talking about them in a calm way would be a good plan, if there are issues that need addressing brushing them back under the carpet wont help.

We are only human and sometimes we mess up. We fall out, we argue, we appologise and make up and learn to understand each other and ourselves better.

He offered to stay home to talk and text to check how you are - sounds pretty nice/forgiving. I'd sit down tonight and explain how sorry you are and put it down to the booze, it can turn people into demons.

Yes that might be a good idea Random he's due to stop seeing his counsellor, but could see if he can book a few joint sessions. I feel silly mentioning what it is that bothers me though, I know the why and I know he's sorry! Not sure what else he can say.
He's happy with an apology Nolonger and he apologised too.

He is nice and forgiving f83 he'd even brought me a cup of tea and the neurofen before he left this morning.

My DH behaved in a certain way for a few years (for various understandable reasons) and it "cost" me emotionally/had an impact on relationships with others. The forgiveness is a work in progress, yes he's apologised, no we can't go back in time but what hurts is that I feel I can't "bring it up again" - I think the reality is I'm still grieving over what I "lost" due to his behaviour and sometimes the pain is present.

Even before that the way he was unhappy I got pregnant, he robbed me of celebrating it etc. etc. so if it's something along those lines perhaps it's about both of you recognising that you're still grieving for "what should/could have been"?

I think that's exactly it Random!
I'm feeling better and my heads a bit clearer now.
I know I was getting a bit annoyed with one of his mates he's a bit of a dickhead and some things he was saying when we were out. So I think that put me in a bit of a bad mood to start with.
And then things have been so good recently and we've been feeling like a proper little family. That I feel like why can't it have been like this from the beginning. Instead of him/us missing out on so much.

My boyfriends been trying so hard and I know how guilty he feels. So I find it hard to say that it still upsets me and if I'm being honest I still don't feel I can rely on him 100% and I'm not sure I ever will.

I still feel bad for how it came out and some things I said were just cruel, that I'm blaming on the drink at least a little bit.
But I've realised, I can't not say something to protect his feelings as one way or another, I'll end up saying something anyway.

All the best I think speaking to the counsellor together could be really good. You need to be able to be honest, you need to be able to say "I'm still hurting about x", "I'm still angry about y", "I'm still struggling to trust you". As you said this needs to come out in the right way, he needs to understand your need for his emotional support to get over it because he's your partner not because it's "his fault".

Thanks Random we had a bit of heart to heart last night and I think that's helped.
He never makes me feel like I can't still be angry or upset about it. He was so quick to forgive me, because he expected it really.
I guess I feel guilty because I know how hard he's trying and I'm not one for bringing up past stuff.

We've agreed we've maybe been making long term plans a bit too quickly and throwing ourselves into the relationship and we need to just slow down and take our time.

And I'm never drinking again!!! although I think I may have said that before