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Original poster

Engaged but feel like my friends don't care

71 replies

eirrah · 23/06/2017 20:45

I know this is going to sound very self centred but I need to get it off my chest.

I got engaged last week and I am obviously absolutely over the moon. I am so, so happy and so are our families. However, apart from the congrats texts, none of my friends seem to care at all and haven't asked me any questions or anything. Other girls I know, they've had cards and congrats from friends and have been asked all sorts about their weddings. Me, nothing. It's upset me a bit to think my friends don't care, and today I went out to buy gifts to ask my bridesmaids but it's made me question if I should have them. If I don't, it'll cause fall outs, but I just feel so deflated by them.

Sorry to rant but I had to get it off my chest as it's upset me quite a bit. I have more excitement from Facebook friends :/

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 23/06/2017 21:39

McTufty
I'm not mean spirited!

I'm saying that it's a little odd people get upset because other people haven't made a big enough fuss over their engagement and they "only" got some congratulations.

I personally don't get the growing trend for parties and gifts for any event you can think of. I equally don't get multiple hen dos or bridal showers. It doesn't make me mean spirited. I just find them a bit look at me I want to be special for the day. If that's what floats people's boats then great, but i find it odd.

RhubardGin · 23/06/2017 21:41

We have to agree to disagree

Definitely! But please don't peg me as some sort of attention seeking, social media sheep.

Believe it or not people can do these things without being brainwashed but out of sheer thoughtfulness Smile

Alwaysthesamestory · 23/06/2017 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mctat · 23/06/2017 21:42

'I think if you feel snubbed then your definitely being snubbed..... you know these people... we don't... so trust your feelings...'

Agree with this. I'm sure it's not the op expecting some huge engagement party, but is more of a vibe/feeling she is getting - or not getting.

RhubardGin · 23/06/2017 21:43

I just find them a bit look at me I want to be special for the day

What's wrong with wanting to feel a bit special from time to time. It's an engagement and a wedding to look forward to, yaaaay!!!!

Lighten up Wink

Wolfiefan · 23/06/2017 21:44

I would send a congratulations. That's about it.
Unless there's some reason that all your friends disapprove of this relationship and are deliberately keeping quiet because of this.

Original poster
eirrah · 23/06/2017 21:45

I don't expect big surprises or anything like that and it's lovely that my family care, my mum died when I was younger so I've not had the whole excitement with my mum but I'd expect my friends to be a bit giddy, just like I would be with them. I guess a little bit of interest would be nice and thanks to everyone for replying :)

Maybe I am just being a bit silly and I should be happy that I am getting married and not compare myself to others. Thanks for all the congrats too :-)

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 23/06/2017 21:48

RhubardGin
Not my style. Grin

A congratulations from friends and family was enough for me. I can't get my head around all these events.

You can probably guess I don't have birthday events for myself either. This year a friend has pulled me up on it and is trying to plan something. I've left it and am hoping she doesn't mention it again. Grin

RhubardGin · 23/06/2017 21:51

MaisyPops

I draw the line at birthdays!

Celebrating getting older isn't my style Grin

blue2014 · 23/06/2017 21:53

Oh god I absolutely adore my friends. They're amazing. I've never offered more than a congrats text and I don't even remember what they did for me?

Maybe I'm old?

Congrats though OP

MaisyPops · 23/06/2017 21:54

Nor mine RhubardGin

I went to an engagement party the other year. It was nice to see people but a bit fussy for me.

Now if the engagement party was just "let's go to the pub for a few drinks" I'd get on board with that. Low key banter with friends. No silly venue and crap. That would be my cup of tea.

RhubardGin · 23/06/2017 21:57

We're not having a party because to be honest we can't be bothered!

I've been to engagingment parties that rival wedding receptions Shock

But to each their own Smile

DappledThings · 23/06/2017 22:25

When I got engaged we were sent lots of cards. I was hugely embarrased as I'd never sent an engagement card and lots of people who did had been engaged and married before us. I honestly hadn't heard of engagement cards being a thing at all until.I received them

Getting engaged is just a start of preparations, the wedding is what you celebrate. Still never bought a card for an engagement but one for every wedding I've been to. Same as I'd never send a card for someone's pregnancy but will do so for loads of births.

McTufty · 23/06/2017 22:36

I personally don't get the growing trend for parties and gifts for any event you can think of. I equally don't get multiple hen dos or bridal showers

Nor do I but I still don't call someone all "look at me" for being excited the week after getting engaged and hoping her closest friends might show some excitement. I said in my initial reply that it's early days and people have congratulated her so it's all good but I don't think the OP should be tarred with the brush of someone who hosts multiple baby showers for themselves because she sees her engagement as a big deal.

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 23/06/2017 22:47

Op you've been engaged for a week what sort of questions are you hoping to get asked (apart from the how did he propose one)?

You can't have planned your entire wedding in a week. A friend of mine had a baby two weeks ago and I have only just managed to get to the post office to send a gift, just to put things in to perspective a little.

Trollspoopglitter · 23/06/2017 22:57

"I must live on a different planet!

I got engaged 5 weeks ago and we have had dozens of cards from our friends, family and colleagues. My desk was decorated at work and I was given gifts and champagne.

My best friends came round with balloons and we had a girly night in.

Our family and friends are super excited and we've been blown away by everyone's warm wishes and generosity.

All these features are completely the norm. You all sound like completely miserable buggers to be be honest! "

Yes, you do. Planet rom com.

Only time I've heard of this crap, is followed up by bridezilla drama and divorce within few years.

pinkdelight · 23/06/2017 22:58

Curiously the only couples I know who've had parties and made a big fuss over their engagements are the ones who split up. OP you say you're very happy with your partner. Cherish that. Park the other silly shit. Try to keep some perspective of what's important.

ScarlettFreestone · 23/06/2017 22:59

Maisy I'm agog at the notion of "proposing" to your bridesmaids.

What if they say no?
Or are pregnant?

Maybe I'm just getting old. I was thrilled for all my friends when they got married, but certainly not "giddy"?

Getting married is a lovely, but serious business. Dresses, cake, flowers etc need to be kept in appropriate perspective because your wedding day isn't really about those things.

I wish you sincere congratulations eirrah but I think you need to put this in perspective before you take any unfortunate steps towards bridezziladom.

sadsquid · 23/06/2017 23:04

When I got engaged I got congrats from people and some cards, mostly from older relatives. I'm definitely at the low-key end of the celebration scale but it wouldn't occur to me to expect more. If friends wanted to do something it'd be lovely, but I would be a bit taken aback by it. I mean, the celebration is... the wedding. Isn't it? A wedding plus a hen do plus a big kerfuffle over the engagement sounds like a heck of a lot of celebrating of someone else's relationship, even if they're a dear friend.

Fact is, everyone has different ideas about what's standard procedure at times like this. It must sting if you're a high expectations person in a low expectations friendship group, but that doesn't mean it's a personal snub. Plus it's only been a week, when people could have been busy and preoccupied for any number of reasons.

squoosh · 23/06/2017 23:14

I've always been very happy for friends when informed of their engagement but never giddy. Bit over involved to get giddy about someone else's relationship. I would send congratulations via a phone call but to be honest it wouldn't even occur to me to send a card, seems a bit formal or something. I'd save all the engagement and wedding questions until I met up with them for a few cocktails.

But you know your friends so only you can judge if they're being a but churlish and frosty.

wrinkleseverywhere · 23/06/2017 23:38

Are you the first in your social group to get engaged? If so, do your friends know about the existence of engagement cards etc? Or are several of your friends already married & have friends in which case they may be imagining slights about someone overlooking their pfb's first birthday as that is the stage of life they're at.
Most of my friends got married before I did. The celebrations varied from an exchange of text messages to the bride to be taking us out to a very nice bar for champagne to the bride to me demanding that we took her out for prosecco. There is no one way of doing these things. It was only once I got engaged that I discovered some people do send engagement cards and some people even bought us presents.

kmc1111 · 23/06/2017 23:44

I can't really imagine being giddy over a friends engagement. Hell, I wouldn't even describe myself as giddy over my own engagement, it was just the natural progression of things and a lovely intimate moment shared with DH.

Never even heard of engagement cards, and these days most of the time I wouldn't really know when to send them. So many people seem to decide to get married, tell friends, then play out a whole 'surprise' proposal thing later.

Cantseethewoods · 23/06/2017 23:49

An engagement is just a declaration of intent. It would be like sulking because your friends didn't get you a "putting our house on the market card" in addition to a "new home" card.

choli · 24/06/2017 00:06

Do people still talk about "getting engaged"? It's been years since I heard anything but "we're getting married", but it could be an American thing. They do still get a ring, usually.

gamerpigeon · 24/06/2017 05:05

How did you tell people? We called all of our friends to tell them and invited them to come and celebrate with us by coming out for a drink so we ended up with quite a few cards. If people found out through Facebook or something I could see why you wouldn't get cards?

I also always buy couples a congratulations card! It's a nice thing to do!