Life after an narcissistic ex

[iamnotwhat]

There's a man who quite often is on the same train to work in the morning. I could be wrong but this morning he seemed to be slowing down a little as he walked ahead of me, and half-looking back from time to time. I assumed he was looking at someone else so looked around me, but there wasn't anyone. It made me wonder if maybe he was slowing down for me - though that's unlikely as I'm older than him and not exactly looking my best.

After being in a long relationship with a narcissistic arse I'm not looking for anyone, but it's made me realise what lasting effect my relationship has on me, well over a year on.

I'll only be getting that train for another week, so my ridiculous musings will come to an end!

I guess what I'm asking is - can you learn to trust people again, and how? I've learned to trust myself, but other people is a bit more tricky...

No, I never have, sorry. Perhaps because the EA from the narcissist went on for so long.

So long as you keep trusting yourself. Trusting some one else won't matter. inner strength is key, you will always be able to move one form anyone who fucks you about.

Thanks for taking the time to post

noego - I hadn't thought of it like that, thanks

jargonfreezone - I hope you get through it soon too

Took me 4 years or so to get over a narc ex. I didnt think it would take that long. I did date very occasionally in between. These men are experts at making you feel like shit and I didn't want him to make me distrust men. I liked the reminder that other men found me attractive and that not every man is a narcissistic arsehole. Current OH is lovely I look back and cringe that I was with that idiot for so many years. Its one of those things tho, shit happens. You'll get there, it takes time. & its nicer being with someone when you're at the stage of realising your worth alongside having a fine-tuned bullshit radar...

Take your time. Took me a good four years to get over my narc ex. I did date a few times but my heart wasn't in it. I really enjoyed finding me again and getting happy in my own skin though. Then when I was ready I met someone wonderful.

I have to say I don't want a normal relationship though. I am a single mum (exnis nc) and I like to focus on my dd and job. I see friends and family and the OH twice a week, a trip here and there. I guess I don't want to be tied down. I prefer my freedom.

You'll be ok. Trust yourself xxx

So happy to hear you both have found yourselves and found happiness.

I'm taking control of my life back and it feels good. So many changes, except for the most important thing - my DCs.

Thank you

I haven't yet & wonder if I ever will. Like a pp I partly put that down to it being a very long relationship - 20 years.

I've just had a bad experience at work with some unpleasant people which has shocked most of my work mates but seriously set me back in the tiny progress I had made (3 years since separation).

In fact I'm sitting here wondering whether to go to an event as planned today or whether I just can't face seeing people. Maybe I'll go somewhere by myself, I need recovery time.

This is horrible.

I'm at the beginning of this journey and I'm finding this site very helpful.

melanietoniaevans.com

Thanks for the link. I'll have a look at that this evening.

Lostgarden - my relationship was 15 years, and that was bad enough. Heart goes out to you. Some people will say that you need to get out and be with people, but that can do more harm than good if you're not in the right place.

My counsellor showed me that it's important not to isolate yourself but to reach out to people who will support you. I've stepped back from a lot of "unhelpful" friendships and that has helped me hugely. Not so easy in a work situation, when you're not in control of who you come in to contact with.

Do something for yourself today. Whether it's with others (the right people) or on your own. Take care

Thanks iamnot, I'll come back to this thread in a bit.

Yes there is life but it is difficult to think the best of myself because I find myself gauging my actions/words/thoughts against what the other person will like rather than how I feel. Not just in romantic relationships (I have a lovely boyfriend 2 years after splitting with exH ) but in friendships, the office, church, family: everything. I'm in ongoing counselling to work through that.

ThomasRichard that's it exactly. I can avoid a romantic relationship, I can see I'm not ready for that.
But work, friends, community stuff, anything like that, I can't navigate it.
I trust very, very few and even they are under review!
I didn't use to be like this.
Ian having EMDR therapy.

Hi OP, I recently ended a (luckily short) involvement with a man who exhibited many narc traits. Even though we dated for a few months only, I definitely feel like he took a toll on my usually very solid self-esteeem.

I honestly thank God I got out quickly, I can't imagine the degree of damage he could have caused if we had a proper long-term relationship..

You are not alone

Carstielou - the one good thing (seeing as it was a short relationship) is that you'll be able to spot the traits much more easily, and will hopefully be able to avoid narcs in future. Hopefully you'll get through it soon

How are you doing today LostGarden? I hope you managed to have some time and place to start the recovery from work yesterday afternoon.

Feeling slightly better @iamnotwhat. Saturday was a very hard day.

I would like to be the happy, optimistic woman I once was. The qualities that drew the narc to me, like a moth to a flame. Realistically I can never be who I was before I met him, life changes us.

I completely agree that we can't go back to what we were LostGarden. There's no way we could go through life with the narc and come out the other side unscathed. But I think I'm one of the lucky ones. I had a great counsellor who really helped me find my way. 18 months on and the worst effected part of my life is the romantic relationship bit.

I know I'll never be the happy, easy going, trusting optimist I once was, but I think in time I could become a new slightly-tempered version. I hope you can too.

Glad to hear you've had a better day

Understanding the process behind why we are persuaded to trust might help us choose worthy recipients of it more reliably.
I have borrowed this audiobook from the library for car journeys. After only listening to the introduction and part of chapter 1, I am already hooked.

I second melanietoniaevans.com and also Richard Grannon's YouTube videos and his site SpartanLifeCoach.com (eye candy alert ahem)

I was married to someone for 10 years who I now know clearly has NPD & I suffered full blown complex PTSD as a result of narcissistic abuse.

It's over a year since I finally divorced him (3 affairs, full blown narcissistic abuse) and I basically spent a year and a half off work, chronically fatigued, agoraphobic and traumatised.

I've finally turned the corner thanks to the above sites and the courses they provide and can now see that I was easy prey thanks to my unhealed wounds from narcissistic parents and lack of boundaries.

I believe it was necessary for me to experienced this relationship to finally deal with it all and to reach my true potential and life of freedom and happiness.

It sounds a bit woo but it really feels that way

Thanks iamablackstar. My goodness you've been through it.

It's interesting you mention chronic fatigue. I've been going to the drs for years re horrific tiredness and they've not found anything. My sister pointed out recently that I seem to be more tired when I've seen the exH or having to be on high alert due to something he's up to.

I just hope I get my energy back one day. Just feel utterly exhausted most of the time.

I have been single for nearly
3 years from a narc husband
He destroyed me and I haven't fully recovered
I have recently taken steps to speak to a therapist as it's affecting my
Ability to trust or let another man in
I suffer pretty bad with self esteem issues , OCD (from never being in control of my own life or feelings) , anxiety and trust
It's going to be a long road
I'm seeing someone now and he a pretty perfect it's early days and letting him get this close is in itself a miracle I would normally run away after 2 dates but it's hard he has no idea of the true extent of what ex did said or how he behaved or that I suffer like I do for fear that it will scare him off

Hope your ok OP mumsnet made me realise I'm not on my own and so many women are in the same boat and want to help x

We CAN recover - I strongly suggest one of the courses above. General counsellors and therapists who haven't been through narcissistic abuse themselves tend not to understand the full effects and the C-PTSD that follows.

I was in a 20 year marriage to a narc -extremely acrimonious divorce - still dealing with financial fallout and impact on kids 3 years down the line. Before I realised there was an OW involved I did a lot of reading and soul searching- I decided I didn't want to be on my own in the future (I'm 52).
Being lonely in a marriage is a form of hell but the only way I stood any chance of being in a relationship again was coming to the conclusion that it was not me that broke the trust, that I had to face a certain amount of risk And although I had no intention of meeting someone so soon I have. It has not always been easy - we both have emotional baggage to deal with and we each bring out each other's issues that we need to work on. We both do a lot of self healing. If you meet the right person they will help you become a better version of yourself and sometimes even when you think you have dealt with all your issues they can be triggered again by someone new.

I believe it is a continual self work we all need to do - some are lucky they get this opportunity.

iamblack totally get you and do I know you "woo" is one of my words I often use to describe this deep stuff 🙂

I also have a slightly dysfunctional background, have suffered with long term depression and have had to work on boundaries etc. But the other side of it I have been told I have a big heart by lots of woo people - so I would probably dispute that I am easy prey and say it is more others who will take advantage. I want to keep my big heart and open it up more - the right people appreciate this!!