Sorry that this has turned in to such a long read! I've been as brief as possible, but I struggled to explain things without using examples.
I've been with my husband for 17 years, I'm 34 and he's 39.
Most of the time we get on really well, we have lots in common and are best friends etc. It's this connection that's stopping me from just leaving at the moment.
My husband has a bad temper, which is triggered by his mood more than anything bad actually happening - basically, if he wants to lose his temper he'll find a reason. He's never hit or pushed me and I'm sure he never would, but he does break things and say horrible things. It's always really upset me because I'm very mild-mannered & just want a peaceful life, but it only happens a few times a year so I've put up with it so far.
A few years ago I moved 100 miles away for a job opportunity, so we only saw each other at weekends. This lasted 3 years, I moved back last Christmas, and it's since then that I've really noticed how incompatible we are. I think living alone most of the time has made him feel a bit 'master of the house', and the minor problems we had have really intensified.
He just won't be questioned, about anything, he always knows best. And if something goes wrong he always needs to find someone to blame - usually me - even when something's just an accident. I feel like I can't be annoyed at something myself because I need to defuse him. A quick example - a plastic panel on my car window (purely decorative) was loose, I forgot it was loose and took a long drive and it fell off while we were on the motorway. Obviously I was annoyed at myself, but he ranted on so much I ended up defending myself saying it's not a big deal, it's my car and I'll deal with it etc.
We're in Florida at the moment with my younger brother (mid-20s, not a child), I asked him before we left home to try to tone down his typically strong language, but he's made no effort at all. For example, I hit my head off the marble worktop in the apartment and neither OH or brother turned to see if I was ok. I made a lighthearted "charming!" type comment, and he called me a horrible twat! Just totally unnecessary escalation, under the guise of 'humour'.
The other day at Magic Kingdom he screamed at me in front of my brother and other people in the park, because I walked out into heavy rain instead of staying in a crowded ride exit (I freak out in tightly crowded spaces). He knows I love MK and was looking forward to the day, but still decided to embarrass me because his expensive t-shirt got wet.
He's also taken to doing something I've seen his father do - rolls his eyes or harrumphs at anything silly I say. I have a self-deprecating sense of humour so I often point out daft things I think and do and he used to laugh at them, but now if there's people around he'll roll his eyes instead even thought I know he'd find it funny or at least would know I'm not being serious.
That was all a bit of a rant, and I want to reiterate that most of the time he is great and I love him dearly. I'm very messy and disorganised, and he is brilliant at keeping me alive! I just feel like we're on opposing teams all the time, and although I have no parenting experience I feel like to be successful you need to be a solid unit. I also really don't want to be one of those couples that makes people feel awkward because they obviously hate each other and can't be bothered to hide it any more.
We've talked about having children and have both been vaguely positive about having them, but not 100% sure. I've now realised I definitely do want children, my uncertainty is whether I should have them with him. I know he won't consider counselling, he won't even have the most casual discussions with me about anything related to our relationship.
Writing this out makes it clear to me that we're incompatible and I should leave, but it ignores that 95% of the time that we have a great time, and that's what's giving me pause. So any wisdom on what we/I can do here would be very appreciated!
(just a note - I realise I'm no spring chicken, and if I leave there's no guarantee I'll meet someone else and be able have children with them.)