I want children, but not with my husband due to his temper/attitude.

[CK3993]

Sorry that this has turned in to such a long read! I've been as brief as possible, but I struggled to explain things without using examples.

I've been with my husband for 17 years, I'm 34 and he's 39.

Most of the time we get on really well, we have lots in common and are best friends etc. It's this connection that's stopping me from just leaving at the moment.

My husband has a bad temper, which is triggered by his mood more than anything bad actually happening - basically, if he wants to lose his temper he'll find a reason. He's never hit or pushed me and I'm sure he never would, but he does break things and say horrible things. It's always really upset me because I'm very mild-mannered & just want a peaceful life, but it only happens a few times a year so I've put up with it so far.

A few years ago I moved 100 miles away for a job opportunity, so we only saw each other at weekends. This lasted 3 years, I moved back last Christmas, and it's since then that I've really noticed how incompatible we are. I think living alone most of the time has made him feel a bit 'master of the house', and the minor problems we had have really intensified.

He just won't be questioned, about anything, he always knows best. And if something goes wrong he always needs to find someone to blame - usually me - even when something's just an accident. I feel like I can't be annoyed at something myself because I need to defuse him. A quick example - a plastic panel on my car window (purely decorative) was loose, I forgot it was loose and took a long drive and it fell off while we were on the motorway. Obviously I was annoyed at myself, but he ranted on so much I ended up defending myself saying it's not a big deal, it's my car and I'll deal with it etc.

We're in Florida at the moment with my younger brother (mid-20s, not a child), I asked him before we left home to try to tone down his typically strong language, but he's made no effort at all. For example, I hit my head off the marble worktop in the apartment and neither OH or brother turned to see if I was ok. I made a lighthearted "charming!" type comment, and he called me a horrible twat! Just totally unnecessary escalation, under the guise of 'humour'.

The other day at Magic Kingdom he screamed at me in front of my brother and other people in the park, because I walked out into heavy rain instead of staying in a crowded ride exit (I freak out in tightly crowded spaces). He knows I love MK and was looking forward to the day, but still decided to embarrass me because his expensive t-shirt got wet.

He's also taken to doing something I've seen his father do - rolls his eyes or harrumphs at anything silly I say. I have a self-deprecating sense of humour so I often point out daft things I think and do and he used to laugh at them, but now if there's people around he'll roll his eyes instead even thought I know he'd find it funny or at least would know I'm not being serious.

That was all a bit of a rant, and I want to reiterate that most of the time he is great and I love him dearly. I'm very messy and disorganised, and he is brilliant at keeping me alive! I just feel like we're on opposing teams all the time, and although I have no parenting experience I feel like to be successful you need to be a solid unit. I also really don't want to be one of those couples that makes people feel awkward because they obviously hate each other and can't be bothered to hide it any more.

We've talked about having children and have both been vaguely positive about having them, but not 100% sure. I've now realised I definitely do want children, my uncertainty is whether I should have them with him. I know he won't consider counselling, he won't even have the most casual discussions with me about anything related to our relationship.

Writing this out makes it clear to me that we're incompatible and I should leave, but it ignores that 95% of the time that we have a great time, and that's what's giving me pause. So any wisdom on what we/I can do here would be very appreciated!

(just a note - I realise I'm no spring chicken, and if I leave there's no guarantee I'll meet someone else and be able have children with them.)

I left someone once who was a lovely guy and loads of fun to be with 99% of the time but that 1% where he would yell at me in the street or when he had a massive go at me in front of his brother and brother's gf and wouldn't back down when I asked him to discuss it later was enough. Everyone rows but when it becomes humiliation/bullying, that's when you have to walk away no matter how good it is the rest of the time.

he screamed at me in front of my brother and other people in the park

The man is belittling and humiliating you - and you describe him as your "best friend?" Bloody hell..you do need to set your bar and standards a bit higher!

You've the patience of a saint I would have dumped this loud obnoxious aggressive pain in the arse ages ago in your shoes. Since Im not in your shoes all I can say is, if you don't get rid of this idiot then you're setting yourself up for a horrible life

You're on holiday?!!! this man will spoil any and every happy occasion for you. He belittles you in front of your brother and strangers because he wants you to feel bad a lesser person. Maybe take some comfort in the fact that onlookers likely thought "what a pig"

Take the wind from this bully's sails by dumping him and going no contact. You don't have children there's no need to see him again, or listen to his inevitable bleating about being dumped - only so that you can take him back and he can punish you with worse shouty treatment for daring to get rid of him.

& nobody should get a "pass" simply because they are nice/great "sometimes". That doesn't cancel out being a pig of a man

The clock is ticking so don't waste another day on this useless piece of cr@p

Magic Kingdom is the happiest place on earth. If you can't be happy with him there you're buggered (I may be biased).

Seriously though, I think you're right to be planning a serious chat when you get home. You know it doesn't feel right, trust your instincts.

Good luck OP and I hope you and your brother have a good time for your last few days at least!

Good luck! It's going to be tough but you can do it 💕

CK3993

What do you get out of this relationship now, what emotional needs of yours is he meeting here?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE and your H crossed that line a long time ago. I also do not buy this whole "95% of the time we have a good time" shtick you have written either; the "good times" are probably fewer and further between now and are solely on his terms. You've been conditioned and moulded by him over the years to accept his abuse of you.

Counselling with him would be a waste of time and besides which no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together anyway. This is because of the abuse within the relationship. Like many abusers as well he blames you and does not accept any responsibility for their actions. He sees you really as his property or possession.

Problem here as well is that you met him when you were 17 and so had no life experience behind you. He targeted you really OP; he saw some innate vulnerability or other kindness in you that he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends.

He is very much like his dad; infact he is probably a carbon copy of his own father. Look at his parents relationship OP: that is really your relationship being played out here. Look at what he learnt about relationships from his own parents, they taught him a lot of damaging lessons.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what did you learn about relationships when growing up?

I think you have appeased him since the early days of your relationship at huge cost to your own self. He has done a right number on you really and it is only when you get out will you perhaps realise the full extent of the abuse he has meted out. Thankfully you do not have children with him because he would be abusive to them as well. He does not deserve you as a wife, let alone any children.

I'm sorry, but anyone who screams at you and belittles you EVER, is not your "best friend." If you think his temper is bad now, just wait until he has children to deal with. This is a man who should never, ever be a father. Having kids with him would be the biggest mistake of your and their lives.

Bearing in mind that something like a third of domestic violence starts or escalates during pregnancy or just after childbirth ... Pack your stuff up and go and get your flat, and your life. You are only 34. Still time for your baby too. Just not with this prick.

I wanted to thank everyone again for the advice, which should have been obvious to me but it really wasn't.

We got back from holiday yesterday morning, I was going to wait for the weekend to tell him we're splitting up because I'm really tired, but i think I'm going to tell him tonight. He's been perfectly nice since the Magic Kingdom incident, and keeps talking about our next holiday, works we'd been planning on the house etc and I can't let that continue. I'm feeling a combination of sick with nerves and excitement for the future, it's very strange!

Good luck tonight OP.

How do you think things will go tonight? If you have any concerns about how he might take it it might be worth letting a friend or family member in RL know what you're planning on doing?

My love, he got you away and trapped on holiday, so behaved like a twat.

he is his father. he will only ever get worse.

You don't actually love him my dear. It really IS over.

I had my DS aged 38. His dad was like your DH but DID hit me - when he had me completely trapped after having DS. I would stake money on the fact that once he had you PG, he'd ramp it up, and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't eventually hit you

If you stay with him, if you have kids, you will be stuck with him forever, and you will never forgive yourself for giving a child a crap dad like him.

The time to go really is now.

we're here for you love.

I think you know what to do. Previous posters have given you excellent advice. Be strong, trust yourself and pull the emergency brake before it's too late. You've seen the signs, so go and grab the future you deserve with both hands. best of luck to you

Don't just tell him. Make your escape plans first and ensure you have somewhere safe to go to. Squirrel away important docs. Don't hesitate to confide in friends and family.

Stay safe and good luck.

You could just leave without discussion. You have every right to do that. You can deal with legal correspondence from a distance.
Do you have a friend or family member who would be willing to help you?

Good luck OP. I suspect he's being very nice because he senses a shift in your behaviour and feelings towards him. Do NOT get sucked in to believing he will change or that his good points outweigh the bad. I suspect you are grossly over estimating the 95% positive aspects.

I think he'll talk you round.
He'll change - blah blah blah
He'll get counselling - no he won't
He won't ever do it again - yes he will
Stay safe though.
He does smash things so it could escalate.
Good luck tonight.
Stick to your guns and here's to your new exciting future - abuse free!!!

Good luck tonight OP. Tell a friend/family member what you're going to do and ask them to be on hand just in case he behaves badly.

Here's to a calm, happy future for you.x

OP your new place sounds lovely already. You can be yourself there and will meet new people. I admire you for recognising that he isn't the right person for you. You've been together a long time so it is really courageous of you to admit it's not working.

Allow yourself to daydream about a future with a kind loving partner who will be a great dad.

Your husband sounds like a carbon copy of my EXH. I left him 20 years ago when my 2 DC were babies because of his temper. He is an angry impatient father who assaulted both DC over the years despite them never living with him They avoid him like the plague now that they are young adults.

Best wishes to you and be brave this evening. He will probably try every trick to keep you. If he starts to shout walk out. If he gets violent or breaks things ring the police.

Do you have support locally?

You have made the right decision.

Good luck. Get yourself the fuck out as quick as you can. He will never change, he'll only get worse and you'll be better off without him. And he should definitely not be a father, ever.

CK3993....This is how it started with my O/H and there were no kids to contemplate having. After 6 years only 6 years it is the foulest controlling relationship, where stalin would look comfortably at home. I did the same as you thought the same way but it isn't any better and as was mentioned by a few lovely level headed posters on MN it never gets better, it always gets worse, for no matter what you say, do, think or feel the only conclusion is being treated with respect.
I wish you luck and happiness

I bet he has a sense that you have made the decision.
Act carefully and swiftly

I think the fact that you're excited about getting your own flat says it all. You seem quite self aware and know what the right thing to do is. Good luck

I'd say get your stuff sorted/packed then tell him rather than telling him then packing. Good luck.

I really, really hope it goes as well as it can

He's a manipulative twat whose behaviour you have normalized. He terrorizes & belittles you. What a charmer. Tell him to shove off & then get on with enjoying life without him.