Pregnant: dh watching porn instead of sex

[smileygrapefruit]

Namechanged for this one. Dh doesn't want to have sex with me now I'm quite heavily pregnant. He has been very honest that it just makes him feel uncomfortable and doesn't like the idea of doing it while the baby is in there but I have in the past made my feelings about porn very clear I.e. I don't like it and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It has been 6 weeks since we had sex so I asked him tonight outright if he'd been doing it and he admitted he had 3 times over the last few weeks. He was very sorry for upsetting me getting caught but I feel like he's totally broken my trust. He will be home from work soon and we will be discussing the issue further. What should I do/say? Obviously I'm pretty hormonal but I feel so hurt.

Yanbu op. Can't believe people are saying that imagining other people is the same as porn. It's not! I would not be happy with porn either.

Thanks missbax ...not sure that makes me feel any better!!

Sorry, that wasn't my intention. I just meant that it won't be anything other than that - even though I know you have very strong feelings about it.

I have my strong opinions on porn and especially as a substitute for sex. Dh has his opinion too...that he can take it or leave it and because of how I feel will now leave it. He's not addicted or anything and wasn't using it when we were having sex.

I was quite proud of us for how we handled the conversation as we were both completely open and honest without any arguing and afterwards we both felt good with the conclusion although I'll just have to suck up the no sex for another few weeks

That's good to hear OP :) it shows the strength in your relationship! Would DH not be up for other sex? Oral or foreplay?

We'll see... he's pretty freaked out by this real life moving little person inside me!

Haha aww bless him! I'm more in your hubby position - when my DH is trying it on and baby is wriggling and kicking, I get a case of "the ick"!

I caught my husband on porn years ago and have never forgive him really I think the people in here who are stating that his choice have never been in
The position where it makes you feel less of a women and that it is a substitute to sex.

Sorry, my body my business ! I sometimes masturbate to porn. Literary or visual. It's my business.

I would take a very dim view of my DH 'policing' the most private of activities. He could fuck right off before he dictated what I choose to fantasise over. FGS being married doesn't mean NEVER having some bloody privacy. Neither would I dream of presuming to 'tell' him what he was 'permitted' to wank to. ! You don't like porn. ? Then don't look at it . Problem sorted.

It really is the ultimate in controlling behaviour. When one partner dictates on this aspect of a persons life, where the hell does it end ?

Well kittens I'm glad my husband is more understanding than you! Have you ever heard the phrase is you don't have anything nice to say...

The husband should LTB.

Don't be fobbed off by that perpetually patronising phrase, "it's because you are hormonal".
IMO it's just another excuse to label a woman's normal, reasonable sensitivities as irrational, bordering insane.
At a time when you likely need reassurance about your appeal on account of being the size of whale, it's not surprising your feelings are hurt and your sexual needs unmet when your DH prefers to go solo.

@kittensinmydinner1 I actually agree with your point although I'd have probably worded it more delicately

Thank you Sexcauldron , I perhaps should have phrased it more delicately 🤗 but the women of MN are know shrinking violets and hopefully the possibility that women also masturbate has not made too many clutch their pearls.
Masturbation can be a part of sexual fore play but most often it is a very private very personal activity .

People 'fantasise' when they masturbate. What 'turns you on' in fantasies is very different in real life. The famous 'my secret garden ' by Nancy Friday showed this in stark relief with her seminal book on female fantasy in the 1970s . With the most 'popular' fantasy being rape and bondage. With all participants horrified by the real life possibilities of such a scenario.
Why is this relevant to the discussion ? Because it goes to show that both sexes masturbate to stimuli. None of which means that the stimuli is wanted in their real life relationships.

Ultimately though - masturbation is a PRIVATE business. Being married or living with someone does not give the other partner the right to police the others thoughts. As I am presuming the masturbation is taking place in private away from the other partner.

Attempting to do so , will not make those thoughts and desires disappear- it will simply make the owner of those thoughts feel guilty, and more secretive. I thought (hoped) making people feel guilty about masturbation had stopped in the last century. It appears not. Which is very sad.

know - no shrinking violets...

I don't know why you think this thread was about masturbation, or the thought police kittens.

Perhaps because the OP
is upset that her husband uses porn to masturbate to - and for some reason she feels entitled to prohibit that because she doesn't like porn. The obvious answer is - don't like porn then don't use it - which she isn't. ! He is - which is surely his right in the privacy of whatever place he chooses to indulge himself in. !
My point is that it's private. Regardless of being male or female and why does one persons preference or dislike trump another's. ? As long as he isn't watching it in front of her whilst having a tug ? That would obviously give her the right to feel aggrieved. Other wise it's not her business.

I agree with kittens - if it was a situation whereby OP's DH had a porn addiction or couldn't become aroused without porn etc then that would need to be addressed.
But he has admitted to watching porn 3 times in the last few months BECAUSE he's a bit weirded out by her heavily pregnant body. Jesus Christ, he's not having an affair is he!!! Give the poor man some peace.

Yes it's about porn not masturbation - you were attacking a straw man.

As for 'not her business'... What if he liked extra marital affairs? Or getting drunk and taking legal highs every night? Both are legal. But I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone who liked those things - we would be morally incompatible. And likewise if my husband liked watching other human beings having sex for money. Yes, he would be excercising his free will, and I would excercise mine and end the relationship.

somerville - oh come on! Having the occasional wank to porn is not the same as an affair or taking drugs!

Many people, me included, don't think that porn is harmless. The very act of watching porn feeds into the industry behind it. Watching porn isn't a benign, passive act but one that ignores the depravity, pain and degradation of women who "star" in these films or worse, accepts that as a trade off for a quick climax. It also sets women up for disappointment for not conforming to porn norms be that a certain look or activity. It warps what we see as normal sex and normal bodies.

Knowing that someone you love and respect can ignore the harm caused by porn is unsettling at the least.

And yes, I'm sure there are happy, empowered women merrily indulging in filmed, violent gang banging as a valid earning opportunity but given that I can't tell distinguish them from the women who are coerced, trafficked and raped, I'd rather not be a party to it or be involved with someone who choose to be blind to that.

To me it is, Namechange. Thankfully to my DH too. I know, counter cultural, right? But true.

indulging in filmed, violent gang banging - this alone is a very silly comment to make. Alot of sites now - pornhub etc, are full of amateur porn that couples film and upload - it's not "violent gang banging".