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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My Mother won't DO anything. She's given up living at 76 years old. (long rant)

40 replies

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 11:56

This is driving me MAD. My mother is 76, and has just given up on doing anything except sitting and watching telly.

She is quite a bright lady, but these days she doesn't read books, she won't go out. She does have pain in one leg, and is waiting for a knee replacement, but even stimulating things that don't need her to walk or stand don't interest her.

She did mention that she might like to get a computer so that when the TV says "just log on to ....." she can. But she has never used a computer or any type of keyboard in her life. SO I said "why don't you nip up to the library and see if they can tell you about any courses you can join first, to get the hang of it?" She won't. I asked why, and she said "I don't want to be committed to attending things at a set time. I like to do things when I want to."

But she does NOTHING.

I live 130 miles away, and she says she misses me and ds (hmm, apparently doesn't give a damn about dh then). She wants us to go down to her, but she has a car, she could come up to us anytime she likes (I make it very clear that she is welcome anytime). But she wants me to pack up me, ds and 2 dogs and go to stay with her. She would like us to go over the easter weekend. But dh works away from home during the week. We didn't really want to spend a precious long weekend up and down the motorway in Bank Holiday traffic.

When she does come to us, I take her into the city centre, and have introduced her to shopmobility, so she can browse the shops. I suggested she register with shopmobility in her town (Gloucester), so she can park, pick up a scooter and browse the shops occasionally. No, she 'can't be bothered'. But yesterday she asked me "next time you go into Nottingham can you buy me some face cream". which means I have to parcel it up and send it. She did the same last week. "Can you get me the new Russell Watson CD"(yeughhh).

I'm just worried that she is going to atrophy, both physically and mentally. It's even worse because she insisted on booking to go on holiday with us next month. Since we booked it she has got worse, and I'm terrified that she is going to spend the whole fortnight hanging on my arm, doing nothing on her own, and causing bother between dh and I, because he wants time with me too.

I wish she had never subscribed to bl%%dy Sky TV, cause it gives her more reason to sit staring at rubbish all day, every day. She won't even watch documentaries now, cos they are sooooo depressing, apparently. Neighbours, Emmerdale, cookery programs and SKY sport form her whole life.

HELP

OP posts:
ash6605 · 21/03/2007 12:00

let her watch the telly,it'll not harm her if thats all she wants to do!

zippitippitoes · 21/03/2007 12:03

love that she watches sky sport..she does have some interests..is it football, cricket or rugby she likes?

or the nice clean young men who do the sky sports news

BizzyDint · 21/03/2007 12:06

does she have friends, any other family? i think some people are just like this you know. when i look at PILs i can imagine them being like this. then there's my dear old grandma. she's 85, she did an internet course last summer. this year she's doing digital photography. but then she does have lots of friends, knows lots of widows, lives in a nice community where people help each other out, invite each other to things, they're all sort of over 50 ish.

twelveyeargap · 21/03/2007 12:09

My mum got a little bit like this when she retired... At age 55! Kind of lost momentum in life.

You can't force her to do anything. You can stop running around after her and say you think it would be good for her to get out more. However, you run the risk that she'll fall out with you.

When she asks you to do her a favour, like the face cream - how about you order it online and have it posted? Doesn't inconvenience you too much that way.

Perhaps she just feels old and tired? 76 seems quite young to us as we all expect to live beyond that. I think it feels old to previous generations as their forebears passed on at younger ages. They haven't planned much past 70 sometimes and don't know what to do with themselves.

It is possible she's slightly depressed. You could try to get her to take a Vitamin B complex to boost her nervous system. We got my granny on this when she was around the same age and it really helped her feel a bit more sprightly.

twelveyeargap · 21/03/2007 12:10

BTW, my mum has to kind of "bully" my granny into visiting her. Organise it all and push her, but she enjoys it in the end. She admitted she's become a bit frightened of travelling alone and finds it wearing.

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 12:12

Zippi

Mainly Cricket, Loads of horse racing, some rugby, and she never misses a snooker tournament.

She had to subscribe to SKY Sport 1 AND 2 to satisfy her appitite.

OP posts:
admylin · 21/03/2007 12:19

I would also suggest asking the doctor if she might be depressed. If you don't want her to take anti-depressants you could try some herbal remedies or vitamins as suggested.
My dad has gone like this and it seems to be depression but he won't accept it and says there is nothing wrong with him. That could be your biggest problem, getting her to accept that just sitting in watching TV isn't life.

raspberryberet · 21/03/2007 12:19

Do you think she might have developed either depression or agorophobia? Both might explain her behaviour.

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 12:21

I don't mind buying the face cream etc and sending it, but I don't understand why she won't do it herself. She seems to be giving up all her independence, willingly.

My sister lives near her, but works VERY full time and has lots of other interests so doesn't have much time for Mother (and that's a whole other thread).

My parents were always very self contained with a small circle of friends, many older than them. After my father died (7 years ago) we tried to get my mother out to make more friends. My sister took her to WI a few times, local Conservative Association, church coffee mornings etc. but she never took up the baton and continued, never really tried to join in. since then all but one of her other friends have died (or gone gaga). Her one remaining 'girl friend' still works full time, aged 78!

I just don't want her to become totally dependent. Not because of the stress on sis and I (altho it is a consideration) but because I don't believe it's a good thing for her anyway. But then I am FIERCLY independent myself.

And I am genuinely worried about her wrecking our holiday. She wasn't this bad when we booked it.

OP posts:
clumsymum · 21/03/2007 12:25

admylin

That's the problem. Mother can't see what's wrong with the way she lives. She certainly wouldn't accept any suggestion of depression. My father was severly depressed for many years of his life, and she wouldn't see any connection between him and how she lives.

OP posts:
twelveyeargap · 21/03/2007 12:33

I know where you're coming from, honestly. My mum won't make friends (having moved after she retired). She sets high standards and falls out with people and says they're boring etc. I think she's just frightened. When my Stepdad dies, I think she'll be very lonely indeed and as she doesn't even live in this country, there's feck all I can do about it.

I can't force her to make friends, or force her to do things, but it drives me up the bloody wall when she moans on the phone about the area in which she has chosen to live, her lack of interets... I can't understand why she won't DO anything about it. I suggest things like courses or things she could take up but her attitude is, "what's the point - it's not like I want to get a job doing that." She used to be (seem?) like such a strong person. She ran a small business, was full of chat...

The only way I can explain it, is that the bottom has fallen out of her life and she's been sort of floundering ever since, but it's her life to live how she chooses. Unfortunately her choices annoy the hell out of me and as an only child, I have to just take it on the chin.

I strongly suggest the vitamins. It can't do any harm to at least try.

spudz · 21/03/2007 12:56

How about getting a pet for company? A dog to get her out walking would be ideal but guess with mobility problems its a no-no. Cat? My Mum is same age and has got into same rut. Sat down with her last week and just had to boss her to get doing more. Found hydrotherapy pool to get her more active (she has bad hips and knee). So sad to see such active Mums deteriorate so.Think having ones friends gradually dying off must affect one psychologically.

twelveyeargap · 21/03/2007 12:57

Agree spudz. My 82 year old granny has been saying for years how depressing it is to see her friends and neighbours dying.

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 13:41

No she won't do the pet thing.

I tried that after she had looked after our dog for a fortnight when we went on holiday in 2005.
She enjoyed having her around the house, so I offered to find her a dog. I even suggested she could adopt Flora (would have been a huge wrench for us), so she wouldn't have to house train a puppy etc.
But she didn't want the responsibility, and wanted to be able to 'go wherever I wanted, without having to worry about getting home for a pet.

But Mother, you won't go anywhere !!!!!!

OP posts:
clumsymum · 21/03/2007 13:43

I agree about the friends dying thing

I have accompanied her to too many funerals in the last couple of years (sister's job far too important for her to take time off for such matters, I get to go to them all).

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 21/03/2007 13:47

It does sound as if she's suffering from mild depression. Vitamin B6 and magnesium is good for people who are feeling a bit down, and you could just tell her it was a normal vitamin supplement for general health.

ScottishThistle · 21/03/2007 13:52

I hope when I'm 76 people will just leave me & my weary legs be & let me watch the tv whilst eating cake & cups of tea!

Heaven!

My Gran (82) has had 3 Strokes & very rarely even walks to the end of her croft to pick up the mail but she's happy!

Enid · 21/03/2007 13:56

my god she is 70 soemthing

it makes me feel tired at the idea of having to join a course or register with something

can't YOU show her how to use a pc?

ChocolateTeapot · 21/03/2007 13:58

My Mum (a fair bit younger than yours, is 68 now) was very immobile whilst waiting for her hip replacement and absolutely loved her computer during this time. I think my brother probably had a nightmare teaching her how to use it but it was worth it as it made a big difference to her.

ScottishThistle · 21/03/2007 14:00

It's really not that difficult to teach someone to use a PC for very basic requirements, if I (Scottish god I hate technology Thistle) can do it anyone can!

jangly · 21/03/2007 14:01

Get her the computer. Get her this book . Introduce her to Mumsnet. Once a Mum, always a Mum! It'll brighten life up a treat.

Enid · 21/03/2007 14:03

you can't expect her to drive to you while she is waiting for a knee replacement suerly

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 14:05

ENID

She has an automatic, and it's her left knee !!

She freely admits she has no trouble driving.

What the hell do you think I am !!

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 21/03/2007 14:11

She's 76 & it's 130 miles!!!...Surely not many woman in their 70's drive that kind of distance alone?

Enid · 21/03/2007 14:12

I think you are being a bit unfeeling

mind you, I cant be arsed to go and see my mum either (she is about 300 miles away though)