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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My Mother won't DO anything. She's given up living at 76 years old. (long rant)

40 replies

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 11:56

This is driving me MAD. My mother is 76, and has just given up on doing anything except sitting and watching telly.

She is quite a bright lady, but these days she doesn't read books, she won't go out. She does have pain in one leg, and is waiting for a knee replacement, but even stimulating things that don't need her to walk or stand don't interest her.

She did mention that she might like to get a computer so that when the TV says "just log on to ....." she can. But she has never used a computer or any type of keyboard in her life. SO I said "why don't you nip up to the library and see if they can tell you about any courses you can join first, to get the hang of it?" She won't. I asked why, and she said "I don't want to be committed to attending things at a set time. I like to do things when I want to."

But she does NOTHING.

I live 130 miles away, and she says she misses me and ds (hmm, apparently doesn't give a damn about dh then). She wants us to go down to her, but she has a car, she could come up to us anytime she likes (I make it very clear that she is welcome anytime). But she wants me to pack up me, ds and 2 dogs and go to stay with her. She would like us to go over the easter weekend. But dh works away from home during the week. We didn't really want to spend a precious long weekend up and down the motorway in Bank Holiday traffic.

When she does come to us, I take her into the city centre, and have introduced her to shopmobility, so she can browse the shops. I suggested she register with shopmobility in her town (Gloucester), so she can park, pick up a scooter and browse the shops occasionally. No, she 'can't be bothered'. But yesterday she asked me "next time you go into Nottingham can you buy me some face cream". which means I have to parcel it up and send it. She did the same last week. "Can you get me the new Russell Watson CD"(yeughhh).

I'm just worried that she is going to atrophy, both physically and mentally. It's even worse because she insisted on booking to go on holiday with us next month. Since we booked it she has got worse, and I'm terrified that she is going to spend the whole fortnight hanging on my arm, doing nothing on her own, and causing bother between dh and I, because he wants time with me too.

I wish she had never subscribed to bl%%dy Sky TV, cause it gives her more reason to sit staring at rubbish all day, every day. She won't even watch documentaries now, cos they are sooooo depressing, apparently. Neighbours, Emmerdale, cookery programs and SKY sport form her whole life.

HELP

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2007 14:12

clumsymum,

Its a very frustrating situation for you but I think a quiet word with her GP may be in order here. I would speak with her GP as a matter of course.

She is likely to be in a depressed state but the only person who will ultimately be able to help her is her own self. I think as well that she has become more aware of her own mortality if she has seen friends pass away over the last couple of years.

I would be very wary of trying to self treat this if this is depression; her GP would be better placed to help in this regard.

Help the Aged or Age Concern may be useful for you to talk with as well to support your own self.

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 14:17

But she won't do the train. Sister would put her on at one end, I'd collect her at the other, or by coach.

What with school, my business activities (part time I admit, but I'm trying to build it up), DH being away (130 miles in the opposite direction to mother), it just isn't possible to visit her when she wants.

I don't think it's unfeeling to want your mother NOT to let herself ROT.

OP posts:
AnneJones · 21/03/2007 14:19

At the risk of waddling in with my size eights....I took the driving comment to mean that clumsymum's DM has the time to travel and only herself to organise whereas clumsymum is a busy mother with children to organise - and it doesn't sound like the problem is the ability to do the journey, just the will.

My Grandma is a bit like this - ok she's 86, but she lives 300miles from my parents, she has someone take her and put her on the train at her end and my Dm will pick her up from the door of the train at the other....and still she has started to insist that the journey is too much for her. Consequently my parents drive 600 miles to fetch her for visits - it's too much to ask them imho.

Clumsymum - I'll be watching this thread with interest - my DM is at her wits' end over this, but sadly I can see similar lethargy setting in to her attitude to her own life too. Partly from feeling trapped by my GM's demands.

ScottishThistle · 21/03/2007 14:21

I don't quite understand why everyone thinks she's depressed, from what the OP says she sounds perfectly happy!

I'm 34 & can't be bothered spending 3hrs on the train to visit friends during the cold weather!

happystory · 21/03/2007 14:24

Anne, 86!!!! It's not just the getting to and from the station, it's being on the train, luggage (people do not help IME) going to the loo etc etc. My mum's only 70 ans she's shattered after a long train journey. not the OP's point I know but....86!!

AnneJones · 21/03/2007 14:26

All luggage is put on by person at the other end and taken off by my DM. She only has to sit there...which is what sh'e dbe doing at home anyway. Also she gets carsick but not trainsick. She's old but there isn't anything else wrong with her. And she manages it perfectly well when she puts her mind to it.

AnneJones · 21/03/2007 14:29

ps. the journey is only 150 miles actually - not that it matters except to highlight my dreadful inability to estimate distances....

ScottishThistle · 21/03/2007 14:30

As a regular traveller...I find train journey's incredibly boring, my legs ache & my back hurts after a couple of hours!

otto · 21/03/2007 14:30

I know exactly where you are coming particulary the travel thing. My mum expects us to visit her and has hinted on several occassions that she would be happy to visit us if we went to collect her and then take her back - we're talking eight-hour round trip here - so two days in total of travelling for us if my mum comes to visit. Given we both work full time and have young children this just isn't doable. She can get to us by train in under two hours and will be picked up, but describes it as a 'terrible ordeal'. she finds all sorts of excuses why she can't - nobody to help her get the case on the train, no leg room, no space to read. Aggh! I have many friends with parents of this age who do not behave like this. My friends mum used to go off camping on her own until she died at nearly 80.

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 14:32

AnneJones

Yes your first para is correct. She has much more time to sort herself out and make the journey than I do, plus it's much easier to organise what she has to bring. If we go to her house for 3 or 4 days we have to take toys or something to occupy ds, as well as dog beds, food etc.

If she was 86 I might be less concerned about the apathy. But at 76 she could easily have 20 years more ahaed of her ....

OP posts:
AnneJones · 21/03/2007 14:34

My Gran has sadly been like this since before she was 70.

Anyway, I appear to have nicely deflected outrage away from Clumsymum....my work here is done...

ScottishThistle · 21/03/2007 14:40

I don't really think age has that much to do with it as some Woman in their 60's are physically/mentally more like you'd expect a Woman to be in her 80's!

My Bosses Mother is 78, travels all round the world (last trip to NZ), does yoga, voluntary gardening, sewing, goes to Theatre & the list goes on & on!

My Mum who's 51 has visited me once in 11yrs, rolls her eyes when I suggest she goes to a yoga class & watches a lot of tv!...I guess no matter where I choose to lay my hat I'll be visiting my Mum, she's my Mum though so I won't grudge her a couple of long trips!

clumsymum · 21/03/2007 14:46

Thanks Anne

OP posts:
clumsymum · 21/03/2007 17:15

just refreshing this for the post-teatime lot.

I notice other MNers have had the same problem. Has anyone managed to get their motheras to have a bit more 'get up and go'?

And can anyone suggest any diplomatic ways for me to disentangle myself from my mum for an hour or two when we go on the cruise? As you all know by now, diplomacy isn't my stong point.

OP posts:
clumsymum · 21/03/2007 20:13

Hmmm.

Looks like I'm alone with this one then?

OP posts:
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