STBXH pretends I'm abusive- so worried

[reallyworried000]

I've namechanged as I suspect h knows my username. Have posted about him before straight after he left for OW.

Things are not going well for him. OW has dumped him, I bought him out of the house, he's in a bed sit without job. He's now started to spread rumours that I have been abusive and violent. I haven't. My best friend told me; apparently he's 'confided' in der husband and s few other people in our shared community. He had to come round the other day so brought someone with him 'as a witness' and whenever he emails me he stresses how he feels unsafe around me and vulnerable. He alludes to stuff in his emails that has never happened.

What is he playing at? How do I keep myself safe? I'm so worried I can't flee properly. I work in a job where any accusations like dv etc. could really be a problem for me. Has anyone got experience?

Flee should be sleep. Sorry, am on phone.

Keep copies of any text or email correspondance, keep a brief diary of any face to face conversations. Keep communication perfunctory and non emotional, don't get riled into raising your voice. Try to be boundaried but reasonable.

Remember that professionals, probably including your HR department, are very used to dealing with acrimonious situations where both partners are accusing each other of being abusive - but they have to go on facts and evidence, not on one person's opinion.

I fear you may be embroiled in his game for a while though :(

Bloke his emails? Do you have dc?

Play him at his own game, have your own "witness" when you have to see him as you are feeling unsafe and vulnerable due to his lies.

Yes I second the have your own witness too because "then there'll be no room for misunderstandings will there?"

I think that will put a stop to his antics pretty quickly.

You are right to be concerned. Often abusers mirror and play the victim card. Poor, as inadequate/incompetent, professionals or the family court dont seem to understand this at all. I record everything with my ex now. He plays the victim card and his partner plays along - think CCTV etc. We are all in our 50s by the way and she assaulted me.

They are narcisstic - it is about control and winning.

If you have children you need to be dealing with this carefully. Most family lawyers dont really know what to do to counter this.

Sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a right tosser! I know it's hard but I would completely ignore him and let him say what he likes, you have nothing to hide and people who matter and who know you won't believe him anyway. Your best friend and her husband obviously don't believe him or they wouldn't have told you. It's likely others don't either. In order for it to have any effect on your job he would need evidence and criminal charges against you anyway. It got back to me that my EXH had been telling his work colleagues (who had never met me) that I had been emotionally abusing him. My friend put his colleague straight as she had known me for years and knew about what he'd put me through. The next time I saw my friend she told me that she'd seen the colleague again and that they made a point of saying that they didn't believe anything he said as other things had come to light. I've since heard that he wants a new job because apparently they're all nasty to him!

If his emails warrant a reply... Tell him in writing that you've no idea what he's talking about.

If you say nothing... It could be seen as an admission.

I would also consider that he emails or contacts you through a third party.

He's setting up a case against you. Be very very careful.

My ex did this, it's ridiculous the lengths some people will go to so they're not seen as "the bad guy".

Definitely get your own witness for face to face meetings. As far as the emails, what stopped my ex was me responding by email (so all documented) that I was concerned about his mental health,as he was a fucking liar trying to weasel out of his own abusive behaviour hallucinating events that never happened. We were in the middle of a residency dispute over DS, so he realised pretty quick that coming across as emotionally and mentally unstable was not in his best interests. He still bitches to his mates that I'm a this/that/the other but it stopped the silly emails.

As far as the emails, what stopped my ex was me responding by email (so all documented) that I was concerned about his mental health,as he was a fucking liar trying to weasel out of his own abusive behaviour hallucinating events that never happened

This is simply priceless. I'd do this. In fact tell his family members you're really concerned about him and ask if they'd assist him seeing his GP.

LOVE IT.

Precisely the same as my STBXH did.
He ghosted when I was significantly ill. Then turned everyone possible against me.
He felt that my illness, and the side effects, constituted abuse.
Dragged Mummy and Daddy over if he wanted to see the kids. What an odd man.
He ghosted every ex, after his first wife dumped him,
I'm waiting for his current GF to experience the same. Poor thing has a young child. He will mess them up, and it won't be long.
Sorry C. You wouldn't have listened if I had warned you, anyway.

Be careful. Don't show emotion and remain calm in all communications.

Pick up on the imaginary incidents but don't get into arguments. Just have it on record you don't recall / recognise the incident being referenced. If you aren't clear on this the mails could be used to try and demonstrate a shared understanding of the incidents.

Other than that, witnesses are good, maybe you could make sure you have someone too in case of any 'confusion'?

Thank you everyone. I will stay cool and collected, will address the 'incidents' but will keep contact to a minimum.

It's so stressful. I am constantly on edge

Is it really an admission of guilt to simply ignore silly allegations?

It could be seen as such.

Because why would you not deny something you weren't accused of?

I've seen it used in covert surveillance. It's not evidence on its own, but the question gets asked.. "why didn't you ask what he she meant?"

I like the "I'm concerned your saying things that never happened. Do you feel okay?" Perhaps you need an appointment with your GP "

" Are you well enough to have the children this weekend?"

What a fool he is. OW has seen he's not all that and now he's acting like a fool.

I'd also suggest you seek legal advice... Just in case.

It's so stressful. I am constantly on edge

That's what he wants.

I know someone who refused any direct contact with her husband after he had an affair.

He was trying to get back with her, but she got a friend (male) to see her emails and the friend was quite clear to her H, that she was not going to read any irrelevant stuff he wrote. He would only forward essential information regarding a split, not thoughts and feelings.
It worked brilliantly. Until said friend started having feelings for her and decided he needed to step back.

I'm also waiting for the OW to see what he's really like! They won't live together until they get married in a few months time (religious reasons) she'll see his true colours then! She's the only person who believes his bullshit. He was a massive atheist during our marriage; to the point where he would shout at and ridicule religious preachers publicly. He's now part of what can only be described as a religious cult! He told her that he was always deeply religious but I was so controlling that I stopped him going to church! She must be a very gullible woman if she believes that one! I also wonder why she doesn't question the fact that all of his family are still in contact with me!

My abusive ex also tried to accuse me of abuse. It was just mind games, he was trying to make me doubt my sanity.

I recommend contacting women's aid and/or your local domestic violence folk. This scenario will come as no surprise to them. They'll be able to support toy through this, and can also provide an 'evidence trail ' of your concerns, should you ever need them to.

Best of luck with this.

(My narcissist ex has now completely given up on me. He hasn't contacted me in over a year, has not made malicious reports to social services in over a year, and has stopped trying to see the children. It's worth the wait, stay calm, you will get through this.)

Luckily no children. He never contacts me just with the emotional stuff. It's always tied in with emails about practicalities. 'Ok, i will come round to pick it up. I'll bring x with me because, as you know, I've never felt safe around you on my own after that incident with the stairs.' Wtf? Maybe putting in writing is really that I am concerned about his mental health is a good strategy.

Also, sorry to hear how many of you had similar.

I've never felt safe around you on my own after that incident with the stairs.

You absolutely need to respond to this kind of thing he because he's making up a specific story... Not just... "You are abusive and I'm scared"

Response.... "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about in reference to the stairs. There has been no stair related incident to talk about..... You must be confusing me with someone else and I think for my own safety, I'm going to have my sister /friend /brother /mum /dad over when you come over."

"Please let me know what time you're coming, so I can be sure to have them here over before you get here."

What a fool he is.

He has no need to see you in person. Use a third party for all issues. Do not engage with him.

Separate email address just for him. Tell him - only contact via this email address, I only check it 2 times a day at 10am/5pm (or whatever).

Cc a friend into all correspondence.

Pushback on ALL references to specific incidents e.g. stairs with "I don't understand what you're referring to. Perhaps it is best if we BOTH have a witness present when we meet as I am concerned for your mental state."

Thank your lucky stars you don't have children with him.

for you.

Fight fire with fire? Add your own narrative so the false email trail he is trying to create is completely useless to him. I.e. Make up your own shit about him... e.g. "I'm worried about your state of mind because you were the one who pushed me down the stairs. I should have called the police when I had the bruises to prove it. You've obviously got it twisted in your head what actually happened and are trying to justify what you did. I'm really scared of what you might do to me, so I think we should have a third party present when you collect your stuff, just in case."

The thing about robustly denying that you did anything wrong is that an abuser would also deny it, so it doesn't really prove anything. At least if you put your own spin on it and embellish the story with your own details it will show him that two can play at that particular mind game. I think that will stop this behaviour quicker than flat denials, which he would be expecting.

At the earliest opportunity, sever any ties with him, get rid of any of his stuff you still hold asap and then block him completely. Never contact him again.

I second speak to WA Also go and see your GP re the stress. As others have said he is building a case against you.

I had this my X goaded me, refused to discuss anything re OW after concealing it and lying to me for 6 months. Turned my anger against me had two letters from his solicitor saying my behaviour was harassment and very concerning. They play a very very nasty game.

Do not make anything up -stick to the truth -

Sorry you are haveing to go through this

It's pretty common for abusers to claim to the be the victim. They often genuinely believe it too, which is how they can convince others. In their minds, they are nice guys but then you riled them by doing x (where x is anything from breathing onwards) so it's not fair for them to be the bad guy. Your ex is unusually strategic about it., I must say.

But don't worry about your job - he has no evidence at all, and his vague insinuations won't be enough for any action to be taken.