I understand HOW: I do not understand WHY

[TheDeadLadyOfClownTown]

Years ago (before the Internet) I had a violent abusive ex. Thanks to mumsnet I understand it is about control and hating women. But here's my question:

I had a great job that he forced me to give up. He stopped me from dressing well, wearing makeup etc. We moved to a crap part of the country, both poor and both in crap jobs.

Why not let me do my job and just be a cocklodger spending my money? I stupidly loved him and was willing to share everything I had with him. He knew this.

He could have hated me and controlled me just as much but with a nice looking girlfriend and a luxurious lifestyle on top!

So why the fuck did he choose poverty and a shit life just to grind me down??? I genuinely don't get it. Jimmy Carr said something once like hitting your own wife is like keying your own car and it sounds so horrible but it stuck with me because it's true!!!

That's it really. I understand that they are subhuman scum trolls but I don't get how you can hate someone (or the opposite gender) so much that you actively seek out a worse life for yourself.

Used phone, sorry for any mistakes I didn't catch x

My guess is that you being in a good job, surrounded by other successful people, wearing nice clothes and wearing attractive make-up was way too much of a threat to that pathetic man. He wanted to "keep you in your place", and if that meant being poor, so be it. Just be glad you're rid of him.

He wanted to control you to the extent that you did not have freedom ie work and money and independence?

If you are groomed and financially successful then everybody would fancy you and you'd leave with another attractive and successful person?

He wants you to feel as shit as he does.

Control and having power over you was more important than lifestyle.

Because if you looked good and had a disposable income you'd have had the confidence to walk. Keeping you poor and downtrodden kept you with him.

He was so inadequate he was threatened by your success and abilities.

I have a theory, as I'm an armchair psychologist with an abusive father and a loving, wonderful, high flying mother (now divorced).

I think abusive people are deeply damaged themselves. That is not to excuse that abuse, but rather to understand that people who actively harm others obviously do not come from a place of happiness.

Since they are unhappy and hurt, they seek to see unhappiness and hurt. The way they see the world isn't a reflection of the world itself, but rather a reflection of how they see themselves. Because this level of introspection requires taking responsibility for one's own worldview, abusers choose to tread the familiar paths of violence and intimidation instead, so that their immediate environment reflects how they feel on the inside.

From the abusers I watched up close, few of them are after improving their lives. Instead, they cannot help but manifest the hurt they feel on the outside by harming others and blaming their victims for it.

Nice thing is, none of this matters to me any more since I do not have to see my father or hang out with any abusers. A lot of the time, I just don't give a damn.

Basically, what crazedzombie said in one sentence instead of several paragraphs. I'll get my coat.

He hated you for being more successful than him so had to destroy you. Being a cocklodger wouldnt work as he would be confronted on a daily basis with his inadequacy. And he would not control you completely.

I think this is pretty common. Lots of men want their wives to look as unattractive to the outside world as possible. It's so that she doesn't realise her own value, or get another offer.

So many women who lose weight say their husbands actively sabotaged their efforts. My ex didn't like me wearing makeup despite the fact I had been wearing makeup the night he first noticed me. He just wanted me kept down a bit.

Ps - Jimmy Carr, boak.

He couldn't meet you up at your level, so he had to bring you down to his.

I understand what you are all saying, but put it this way, I've always fancied morten harket (showing my age now lol but for you young people he is beautiful). If the only way I could date him was by making him look like shit and act like shit because he was so depressed, he wouldn't be the man I wanted anymore so I wouldn't want him anyway iyswim.

Because your job gave you self esteem and confidence and he couldn't be doing with that, with you feeling good about yourself.
Taking that away from you meant more than money because he needed to control you.
Power over you meant more than having any finances.
He couldn't be having you happy and interacting with work mates. He wanted you submissive, unable and dependent on him.
I'm so glad you got away.

I was in a similar position with my ex. When we first met, he claimed to love that I was independent, confident and had a great career which was better paid and more successful than his. He then spent the rest of our time grinding me down and trying to turn me to turn into the drudge he had originally said he didn't want.

He actually didn't speak to me for a week because I refused to agree to iron his shirts for all perpetuity and fund his ridiculous 'business plans' which were largely about him pottering about selling cars, gardening for other people and 'finding himself'. And I'm not exaggerating for effect here either.

He also tried to stop me wearing makeup, exercising, dressing well and socialising. Apparently, I was doing all those things to belittle him, seek attention and get other men after me. He would phone/message me constantly at work and throw a fit if I was in a meeting and not able to answer.

Fortunately, I had a lightbulb moment and ended it, but having always had pretty equal relationships, I was totally unequipped for a controlling and abusive one. Especially as he always made me believe it was me in the wrong and spending hours dissecting my behaviour and personality. The scary thing was that he was an intelligent, self-aware and outwardly confident man in a responsible job which required people to trust him implicitly. In retrospect, I think he just couldn't cope with a woman who didn't totally rely on him and make him feel needed.

And WHY? Why hate women so much??? That's the bit that I genuinely don't get.

He 'owned' you, you were his possession or underling. You couldn't do better or be better than him. He couldn't have a glittering career so sure as hell you weren't getting one. There seems to be a particular species of man who delight in 'taking down'. A strong woman.

Your analogy using Morten Harknett is all wrong. You are thinking like a rational normal human being. He is not.

I fancy Morten too

Ps I sure there's some women like that too

Cross posted with the other Nellie

OK nelly I get that. But if I decided that men were underlings I just wouldn't bother interacting with them. I would just avoid what I thought of as a subspecies iyswim. Why would I want to take down something already inferior to me??? I wouldn't bother.

And weirdly enough, he was my boss. He threw away more than me

Morten is beautiful and has aged so well.

They hate women because they hate themselves. Abusers are fundamentally self-loathing, but desperate not to admit it, especially to themselves.

I'm not sure it's even about you as a person. I think they see it as all about them.
He didn't care if you were ugly and poor as long as he had the power. He didn't want a good job and money because he had you.
If he had a happy successful life he couldn't have blamed you for his failings.