I understand HOW: I do not understand WHY

[TheDeadLadyOfClownTown]

Years ago (before the Internet) I had a violent abusive ex. Thanks to mumsnet I understand it is about control and hating women. But here's my question:

I had a great job that he forced me to give up. He stopped me from dressing well, wearing makeup etc. We moved to a crap part of the country, both poor and both in crap jobs.

Why not let me do my job and just be a cocklodger spending my money? I stupidly loved him and was willing to share everything I had with him. He knew this.

He could have hated me and controlled me just as much but with a nice looking girlfriend and a luxurious lifestyle on top!

So why the fuck did he choose poverty and a shit life just to grind me down??? I genuinely don't get it. Jimmy Carr said something once like hitting your own wife is like keying your own car and it sounds so horrible but it stuck with me because it's true!!!

That's it really. I understand that they are subhuman scum trolls but I don't get how you can hate someone (or the opposite gender) so much that you actively seek out a worse life for yourself.

Used phone, sorry for any mistakes I didn't catch x

I always felt a bit sorry for Päl. Everyone fancied either Morten or Mags. No-one fancied poor Päl.
Sorry, way off topic

Because abusers are afraid. They're afraid you'll be happy without them. Afraid you'll have your own life. Afraid you'll find someone better. They will do whatever they can to mitigate that fear, even if it means destroying you.

What they fear most is being alone. That's why they play mind games. At times they treat you like the most important person in the world, because to them you are. Not because they love you, but because they can't stand the thought of being on their own. They need you to love them, but can't accept that love is enough to keep you with them because they don't know what love actually feels like and don't believe anyone could really love them.

I think that's why some abusers are so good at brainwashing successful women. What they do comes not from an innate hatred of women or a desire to be violent or cruel. In fact it comes from a desire to be loved and happy. It's just that they're so psychologically damaged they end up full of hate and violence and cruelty because that's the only way they can deal with their all-consuming fear and self-loathing. They're attracted to high status women because it shows they're worthy of love, they destroy those women because they don't believe they deserve love and so need to bring their partner down to their own level of inadequacy.

The difference between an abuser and a normal person is not in how nice they are when they want to show you how much they need you. It's in how nasty they can be when they think you don't need them.

OK, I get that they hate women, but why why why? Do they hate their mothers and sisters and aunts etc? Or is it just us lesser beings that actually want to have fun and happiness and sex with them?

Chipmunkey you made me laugh. Stop it, I'm trying to have a serious talk about ishoos.

Realfakedoors. Ok, I'm starting to understand how you could be so damaged to need love but need to control it. I understand that, thank you

My ex looked down on women because his dad saw women as nothing but baby machines. I don't think most abusers set out to abuse, it happens because they are selfish about what they want. Your ex wanted to move so he moved and you went with him. I doubt he had a master plan as such. I reckon he has poor boundaries etc.

In all seriousness, I think the "reasoning" with these guys is:
I'm a guy. I own this woman but my ownership is fragile because the law doesn't recognise my ownership.
She could walk away at any time. I could lose control over her. That freaks me out.
If she wears lipstick and dresses nicely she is making herself attractive to other men who might steal her and then THEY will own her. I can't let that happen.

It's fucked up, twisted thinking.

It's like with bully's, they can't raise their game to feel 100% happy with themselves so they put others down so they can then feel above someone they used to admire and therefore be better after all.

Go back to his birth family and/or early formative experiences. It will all be explained there.

There are a number of reasons abusers hate women -- one of them is they see women as the "guardians" of sex. They perceive it as women using access to sex as manipulation to make men be nice to them, pay for them, and take notice of them, when really women should stay in the background, provide sex on request and do as they're told. Men like this feel that it is deeply unfair for women to a)have the power to "ration" sex, and b) that they demand a ridiculous price in exchange (ie for men to pretend that women deserve respect, power, autonomy, fully human status, etc) So these men "play the game" of relationships, but are full of contempt and hatred for women, so it spills into abuse to "get back at them".
You ask why men who think women are inferior still want to have women in their lives: because they want the benefits that brings. Regular sex, domestic chores, childcare, someone focusing on their needs, someone to control, social approval, etc.

Also, you keep saying "why was he like that/I don't understand". I don't want to be brutal, but I think you do understand. But you can't reconcile the person you loved with the things he's done, and on some level you still think "if I could just EXPLAIN to him why his behaviour is wrong, he would stop".

He wouldn't. He has no interest in changing. His behaviour works for him.

What they all said.

I also think that it's nothing personal in a way. If it wasn't you it would be somebody else. Abusers just want somebody who will take it.

Stop trying to understand, you'll drive yourself mad. There's nothing to understand.

My grandmother used say what can you expect with a pig but a grunt!