Is this abuse? **Trigger warning sexual abuse/rape**

[Electricaid]

Me and DP got together fairly young (late teens). He has had a porn addiction the entire time but would never admit this even to himself. I know from the outset that he liked kinky sex and I thought I did too.

We've been together for about 5 years now and during that time the sex got really rough. I always wanted to make him happy and so I accepted more and more extreme behaviour. Right up to him violently preventing me from getting away during sex. I've always had a word that I can use to stop but I haven't used it when I should've because I want to make him happy. He does know this. I am in the wrong for not using the word because that's obviously the only way to know if he's gone too far.

I've repeatedly asked to role back this and go back to 'nice' sex but it never works out. He will do small things that let me know what he really wants like forcefully kiss me or call me a derogatory name. He will apologise if I point it out but it's like it's his default to be forceful.

I don't think he is abusing me. I'm choosing to stay and to consent to things I don't actually want. I mentioned this on another thread and its been suggested he's abusing me. Am I delusional?

I don't follow sorry. If he doesn't know you're not really consenting, then it's not rape. He has to know or it must be reasonably obvious that you aren't consenting. If you're not using a safe word or telling him to stop, there's difficulty.

IF you've told him you don't want to do it like that anymore, then it's rape if he starts off nice and then changes and gets aggressive.

He is abusing you, I am sure he probably knows deep down you are going along with things out of a delusional ideal that you love him; I doubt you do, he doesn't value you and is effectively forcing you to suffer extreme sex; all for his own gratification.

I reckon he's a pretty dangerous man and I think you need to go seek counselling as to why you think loving someone means going along with extreme behaviour that ultimately you don't really want to be involved in.

You really need to start using your safe word and explain in simple terms what you will and won't tolerate. If he doesn't take either your limits or safe word into account then you do indeed have a problem and I personally would leave him. Boundaries and safety are an important thing in any relationship but I would suggest even more so in a "kinky" one.

Also, you are NOT there to please him or be used by him, if you don't like anything at all it is absolutely unacceptable for you to feel like you can't put a stop to it.

Right up to him violently preventing me from getting away during sex what bit of that isn't abusive?

You need to be honest that you are not into it but honestly if that's his thing you really neex to think carefully about wether you want to be in this relationship.

I had an ex and he would get rougher until I found put he had watched rape porn. Being the people pleased I was, I said let's role play it. (I do like rough sex). Well feom that point every tine we ever had sex I would be slapped, spat on and called a dirty whore. We never had nice or normal sex again. It was like I had given the green light for his true desires and that was that.

Maybe your do will behave for a while but he will always be wanting that rough sex.

Hi Electricaid,

I think that sex is an exchange, a sharing moment between people. He should be listening to your cues during sex. If you're not into what's happening in your bed, he should realise that and he should respect it. If you've repeatedly asked for more loving sex and he is continuing to ignore your wishes, I would say it is abusive.

I wish you strength and hope that more experienced posters will be along shortly with advice.

I realised that it was a problem me not using my safe word so i spoke to him and said that I wanted to completely take all assumed consent and that he should basically make sure I want something to happen before he does it. Up until that point it was all on me.

The part I'm questioning is the small things he now does to let me know what he really wants like the forceful kissing, grabbing me and stuff like that. So I sort of give in to more and more until I'm laying there and just wanting it to be over.

I think no matter what happens I will always know that he will want to play out abusive situations during sex.

Whether it's abusive or not, it sounds like you're not compatible and need to leave. Sorry

He doesn't read my cues at all. When I move away from something he doesn't seem to take the hint that I don't want it.

Why is it your job to please him at the expense of your own enjoyment? Does he think it's his job to please you? I bet he doesn't. If my dp thought I wasn't enjoying something he'd stop immediately, and if he knew for sure that I didn't enjoy something we wouldn't even start doing it. He wouldn't be able to have sex with me unless I was enjoying it too as, for both of us, sex has to be mutually enjoyable.

Right up to him violently preventing me from getting away during sex

That is rape.

I think that's the nail hit on the head. It's not abusive but we are incompatible.

I would rather compromise on the sex and continue to be with him than call a stop to it and our relationship falling apart.

He doesn't read my cues at all. When I move away from something he doesn't seem to take the hint that I don't want it.

Or he does know and just doesn't care. It may even turn him on more

I've repeatedly asked to role back this and go back to 'nice' sex but it never works out

He doesn't care OP, he only cares about his own fetish to hurt and humiliate, fine if you were wanting that but you clearly are not, have told him and he still carries on in is abuse mode; I'd honestly be worried that he might hurt you in a lasting damaged way.

He clearly cannot control himself, again, dangerous; he's getting off on intimidating you and making you do stuff you clearly do not want to, if that's not abuse, then fuck knows what you call it.

Is it not time you called it a day and found a man that wants the sex you want, the normal kind that two people consent to happily.

Reading your updates I would suggest that leaving him sounds like it's for the best

Right up to him violently preventing me from getting away during sex

So what does he do violently to prevent you?

And yes, this is rape OP.

Adore I've had three sexual partners and they've all expressed interest in this sort of thing. The person I lost my virginity to tried anal the very first time. I'm not convinced that I wouldn't just end up in the same situation again.

He's abusing and raping you. Why spend the rest of your life like this?

Well hang on a bit here. This does sound proper horrible, and I can't imagine wanting to be in a relationship with somebody with those sexual preferences. Nor could I be in a relationship with somebody that wanted to call me "a derogatory word" during sex, which I'm presuming begins with B or C.

So that would be an issue for me, and if you don't like that kind of sex, then you should not engage with it, and you should consider ending the relationship.

BUT.... BUT.... that's not the question you asked. You asked if it was "abuse".

You say, and I quote:

"I've always had a word that I can use to stop but I haven't used it when I should've because I want to make him happy."

If you told me you had used the word and he didn't stop, then I would say that is rape, and you should run. But you have a pre-agreed "out". When you were "trying to get away", you could have said the safe word, right?

I'm sorry, but to me, if you are engaging in that kind of activity, and have pre-arranged rules and a safe word, the responsibility is on you to use that word when you don't feel comfortable.

If at that point he did not stop, or continued, then I would look at this completely differently. But effectively, you have not let him know that you felt uncomfortable, so how can he be expected to know?

I would hesitate to call this abuse. I think you need to use the word the both of you have agreed. How he reacts will tell you everything you need to know.

Grab me, smack me, pinch me, restrain me. But i could've stopped it. I could've said the word at any moment and he would've stopped. I really don't think he was in the wrong there. He thought I wanted it. I just wanted to make him happy and it was horrifying me that that's what extreme he would go to.

I disagree it's not about incompatibility it's about lack of communication, you need to tell him as far as he is concerned as you haven't expressed otherwise plus haven't used your 'word' then it must be okay.

Don't ever expect men to be able to read us and take the hint, you need to spell it out and then see if he is as keen to make you happy as you are him.

I don't think this is an incompatibility issue at all. I think he's choosing to push things because this is how he gets his way.

I think you should ask yourself why you are choosing not to use your safe word and 'please' him. Wy do you need to make him happy, when he doesn't appear to be making you happy?

If your relationship would fall apart if you stopped him doing things to you that you don't want, do you really think its a relationship worth having?

After that particular incident I explained that I should've used my word earlier and we had a long conversation about how important it is that I say it whenever I need to.

I know I sound like a complete idiot for not just saying it but I can't explain how or why I acted like that in that moment.

I disagree cookie, she had a conversation where she wanted to stop the rough sex altogether and it still continued the next time.

I'm shocked you've met so many men that are into that stuff. I'm quite glad I've never come across anyone like that sexually. I'd be so scared.

OP I only experienced this with my now exH when he started to not actually like me and wanted full control. I can see now that it started with small things and was getting worse. It sounds as though you have ignored this and it is getting worse for you. Your requests are being ignored and he is not changing. Do you really want to carry on?

I've repeatedly asked to role back this and go back to 'nice' sex but it never works out.

How can he think you want it when you've had conversations with him about how you don't?

I've always had a word that I can use to stop but I haven't used it when I should've

How do you know he would actually stop if you used this word? He has heard you say what you want but carries on with the violent stuff anyway.