Is this abuse? **Trigger warning sexual abuse/rape**

[Electricaid]

Me and DP got together fairly young (late teens). He has had a porn addiction the entire time but would never admit this even to himself. I know from the outset that he liked kinky sex and I thought I did too.

We've been together for about 5 years now and during that time the sex got really rough. I always wanted to make him happy and so I accepted more and more extreme behaviour. Right up to him violently preventing me from getting away during sex. I've always had a word that I can use to stop but I haven't used it when I should've because I want to make him happy. He does know this. I am in the wrong for not using the word because that's obviously the only way to know if he's gone too far.

I've repeatedly asked to role back this and go back to 'nice' sex but it never works out. He will do small things that let me know what he really wants like forcefully kiss me or call me a derogatory name. He will apologise if I point it out but it's like it's his default to be forceful.

I don't think he is abusing me. I'm choosing to stay and to consent to things I don't actually want. I mentioned this on another thread and its been suggested he's abusing me. Am I delusional?

I am really sorry OP but you are wrong; you are in an abusive relationship with a man that is raping you, is violent and is forcing you into degrading sex; how on earth do you think you'd end up with someone like that again? Why not try being single, you don't have to have a man to justify your existence.

Sorry but until you actually face up to what is really going on then I think you are just going to have to suffer at his hands.

How folk can say it's all about you using the word is beyond me, he is violently preventing you from getting away - RAPE, no matter what you or anyone else says in his defence.

I think if you at least gave yourself distance from him, you'd actually start to see how horrific this situation is.

Your H is a rapist, let alone an abuser. If you saw this happening to a friend or relative, I am sure you would see how wrong it is.

Posted too soon.
The op has said she doesn't like the roughness, so now he's grabbing her & forcefully kissing her.

So does she now have to explain she doesn't like that either, for him to then do something else...

Honestly I'm knackered just reading this.

LTB, he's a cunt.

Hiding thread ✌🏾

I know I sound like a complete idiot for not just saying it but I can't explain how or why I acted like that in that moment.

To me you sound like a very scared and vulnerable and fragile woman who is putting up with rough sex, degradation and rape because you do love him; love isn't about pleasing your partner to the detriment of your own mental health and wellbeing.

I find your thread toe curdling tbh.

I think you need have a long look at why you are drawn to this relationship.

If you are so insecure of yourself you cannot use a safe word you will unfortunately attract entirely the wrong sort of person. You will attract the kind of person who is all about themselves and what they want because they know your never going to say no.

The right kind of person does not want to rape you so will run a mile if they suspect you wouldn't use a safe word.

Please take a massive step back. Look at your own boundaries and whether you know what healthy boundaries are.

You need to have a big conversation clothed & when you're not having sex.

Does he know for 100% that you're not consenting, especially if you have a safe word?

I'm so not being an apologist for him here, just trying to see things from the other side of the fence.

If he thinks you like Asphyxiation, slapping & overpowering fantasies you need to use your safe word.

To most, this would be LTB territory however, most people probably don't have safe words

As I said on the other thread this is abuse.

You didn't use the safe word because you were too scared to, you froze, went into survival mode. On the other thread you said that you had situations were you were absolutely hysterical and were praying for it to just be over. Do you really believe your husband wasn't aware of that, that he thought you were actually enjoying it?

You need to make it crystal clear what you're happy with and not happy with. Spell. It. Out. If he then continues, it's definitely abuse!

I feel like I did make it clear when I said I wanted to roll back all consent. That I wanted him to make sure I was happy with absolutely anything before going ahead. He doesn't.

Thank you for your thoughts everyone. I know he would like to DTD tonight so I'm going to have a talk with him and I guess we will see.

I'm sorry if this thread has made anyone feel sick. I just wanted to get my thoughts out.

Good luck OP - make sure you assert yourself, otherwise he might not be aware of the actual impact! I'm not excusing his actions AT ALL - but if you've been together a while and this has been a gradual slippery slope, he might not even be that aware of how extreme it's become himself.

OP, would you consider taking sex off the agenda altogether while you try and figure this out?

It sounds to me a mix of his sexual appetite for domination and yours to please him are becoming mixed with consent (and lack of) and poor communication are leading to some unhealthy, unsafe situations for you.

If you have a safe word but aren't comfortable enough to use it, then being in situations where you need a safe word isn't for you. That's not how it works. These situations are prime for the wrong person to bring abuse into a relationship and dress it up as a sexual kink, but that's not right.
For domination type situations, the dom should also be getting pleasure from your willing submission. I can't imagine you looking scared / uncomfortable and him honestly thinking that you're ok. He is using this dynamic to bully you I think.
Also; in Dom / sub relationships, communication is a huge part of it. You talk through what you want, how to make it happen, what your limits are, how to express your wants / needs during sex, any worries you have, how to approach them etc. There is no 'giving in' to keep someone happy. This isn't happening for you. He's pushing you and pushing you, knowing (as you have told him) that you felt unable to use your safe word.

Another issue here is the porn addiction. The problem there is that in a lot of the films, men start to do what they want, the women object then end up 'enjoying' it. If he's been watching that crap his entire sexual life, he may well believe that's normal and want that at home.

There is no set 'normal' when it comes to sex, but there are some basics that are required regardless of how you play out kinks. You must both be willing. You must both be prepared to call a halt if you need to, and to listen to the other if they want to stop. There should be no pressure to do anything, you should be able to talk openly and above all, you should be able to say "that is off limits" with no comeback, no testing of that boundary and no worry that it will cause an issue.
Can you honestly say that if you were in the middle of sex, you could confidently use your safe word and he would definitely stop? That he could kiss you forcefully and you could say that you don't want that? Because if you can't, that's a big problem.

I didn't connect this thread to your other thread at first.

You can't continue living and feeling like this, have a deep heart to heart and take it from there, if he can't respect you or your feelings then you need to reassess your relationship.

I'd say yes and no. Yes because you're not comfortable but no as u are consenting to it and u are able to make him stop you just choose not to

I think the control and abuse is outside of sex and he has eroded your self worth so you believe you cannot say no to him. As part of that you are wanting to see how far he will go and are horrified by the truth. Even so you have said no and he overrides that

There is nothing wrong with Dom/sub if both parties are willing. You are not he has eroded you down to the point you accept it to keep him happy. That's not how it works it's about communication so both parties feel comfortable and happy.

What is your relationship like outside of this?

And the other thing is you take it as your fault it's not it's on him

Sex should not be like that I do fear for the future the internet has a lot to answer for

So you're pretty young. What, 23/24?

And you're saying you'd rather have utterly shit sex that makes you feel rotten for the next 50 years than explore the possibility you're not meant for each other?

That's basically what you're saying?

I am honestly horrified at the number of women on here who are doing things they don't want to do sexually to please partners who are addicted to porn. I must lead a sheltered life, but are there really so many men watching porn? Why do men get off on watching violent and bestial acts? What the hell is wrong with the world? As a mother of two sons I really feel disgusted at the world that they are dealing with. Why do so many women put up with this? I wouldn't want to be with a man who watched porn at all, let alone violent and bestial porn. I find it really depressing to read this. For god's sake have some self respect and dump this man.

I've never in my entire life had to have a safe word whilst having a sexual relationship and I'm 56. Get out of your situation.

I think you've been brainwashed and at this point are unable to say no.
he has groomed you and this hell is your new normal.
it is undoubtedly abuse.
it sounds like all your relationships have been sexually abusive.
positive thoughts you find the strength to leave him.

I wonder if this is how you have learnt to feel loved? Through past experiences of what is normal.
It isn't normal. I have never had to have a safe word and I've had a lot of relationships. My DP does not watch porn and he would rather satisfy my needs than his own because this turns him on the most.

There is another type of man out there and you are worth much more than this

You have told him you want all consent to be actively sought rather than assumed. He has ignored your withdrawal of consent. Sex under those circumstances is rape. Sorry you are going through this

Also, there are millions of decent men out there. And it is perfectly possible to be single and happy. Please walk away from this, give yourself some space to breathe and find your own boundaries again.

I read your other thread too op and I really think you need to get away from this man. He can only maintain an erection if he is choking you, verbally abusing you or having anal sex with you, none of which you want or enjoy. It seems that he can only enjoy sex If you are not enjoying it, and he will not seek any kind of help. Please leave him before he destroys what's left of your self esteem and puts you off sex forever.

You obviously are not seeing this as a LTB issue so here's my alternative suggestion.

Tell him you have gone off the forceful sex. It has been too frequent for too long. You can tell that he finds it hard to stop on that path when he's started down it during a session, which makes you uncomfortable. You want to take the lead instead
for a few weeks. To make it easier you want a total ban on power play and rough stuff, however minor. You shouldn't be within a mile of a safe word.

I think some people are confusing me with the OP of the other thread. I'm not the same person. I commented on that thread and someone suggested I start my own.

I think he may have seen this thread. I don't want to air my sex life (bit late for that I suppose) but things were very, very different tonight. A really positive change.