Sympathy for a narcissist?

[Imgoingonabearhunt]

This isn't one of those "MIL is a narc" off the cuff threads.

My mother has narcissistic traits. I have been in long-term psychotherapy long enough to know this to be the case.

My mother was not very good at looking after me.

My mother turned a blind eye to how I was treated and I was abused physically and sexually for big part of my childhood.

I am having a break from my mother right now. This is because when I tried to explain how a number of factors within our family contributed to my neglect and abuse she pointed fingers at anyone she could and then told me the fact that she was a bad parent was all her parent's fault.

I told her three months ago I don't want to speak to her at the moment.

She has started emailing me. It is all about her. Her grief, her pain. She is attempting to manoevre herself into the victim position with me as the aggressor because I have withdrawn contact from her and she is not seeing my DC at the moment.

I'm not even surprised by her behaviour. Not really angry...I think I just pity her very, very deeply. How can someone be so unself aware?

This week she went out for dinner with my abuser and then emailed me to tell me how hard everything is for her to cope with.

I just needed to write it down.

So sorry for you you're doing the right thing

No sympathy. None. Ignore her. She is being a grief thief. I hate narcs. They are hollow shells of beings.

Spend time with people who care about you instead xx

Does she not beleive the abuser abused you?!

How terrible. Sorry you are going through this OP

Thanks all.

She does believe he abused me. But he is a close relative and she clearly doesn't feel the need to hold him accountable.

I truly believe she thinks I am just out to spite her.

It's all very 'yes, yes dear, you were abused, how terrible, now GIVE ME WHAT I WANT'.

Stop listening to her. Umm hum. Oh really. That's interesting. Got to go, bye.
There is never going to be any "good" contact with her, is there? Don't expose your dc to her anymore. You are in control of that. Why not go no contact?

Thanks andband.

I can't see how good contact can happen. We were attempting low contact. I was in the midst of trying to arrange a day out on neutral territory. She knew this.

She couldn't rein herself in, though.

This is so hard.

Oh god, I feel you. She has made your abuse about her, hasn't she? That contact was no doubt all about the difficult position you have put her in and how much she has been affected by your abuse. I can honestly say that once you go NC with a narc it takes a long time to get their voice out of your head so you can find your own thoughts. Good luck to you! X

Stay NC from her please. If she is happy to dine or even breathe in the same room as your abuser then she is not your mother.

You are not responsible for her. She is/was responsible for you and she failed. You poor thing . Move on. Enjoy YOUR family. It will get easier.

No sympathy. None. Ignore her. She is being a grief thief. I hate narcs. They are hollow shells of beings.

Spend time with people who care about you instead xx

THIS

Even though you told her to not speak to you she is still contacting you. Narcissists do not respect boundaries and that is another example of trampling over them. She has and will make everything about her.

Would suggest you block her e-mail address as no good will come from at all replying to her. To such disordered people the response is the reward. She was not a good parent to you (understatement) and narcissists are also deplorably bad grandparent figures.

same position as you OP with a narc. parent. No contact was the best thing i ever did. Life is easier. Once i sat down and thought about it, what I was feeling was not anger or hatred, it was pity. Like, how can you go through life ruining relationships all over the place, blame the world and not see only you are the common denominator? Then I realised that my parent's life was always going to be complicated, troubled and ultimately lonely. I don't like to pity people. I would rather be disliked than pitied. It's sad. I'm sorry you are going through this.

bearhunt,

"No sympathy. None. Ignore her. She is being a grief thief. I hate narcs. They are hollow shells of beings.

Spend time with people who care about you instead"

I would second this comment from jeaux90 in spades.

Low contact in such cases more often than no leads to no contact; I would consider further reducing all contact levels to none.

Self preservation is necessary here.

Can you put a filter on her emails so they don't come into your inbox. That way you gain control of when you see them - I found not knowing if there'd be something every time I checked my mail got stressful.

Thanks for all your replies. They are really helping.

Barees - I have hotmail, I'm not sure if I can do that?

The first email she sent I didn't respond to her, but I forwarded it to my (more reasonable) father. She has then emailed me from his account with a demand to see my children.

Attilla, I know, you're right.

She can't do boundaries. She just has to serve her own needs. She's bringing this distance on herself and she just can't see it.

Absolutelynot I'm sorry you've had someone like this to deal with as well.

How to block an Email Address in Windows Live Hotmail

To add a sender to your Windows Live Hotmail blocked senders list, sweep the current folder with a message from the senderif you have one, or:

›› Step by Step Screenshot Walkthrough

Select Options | More options... from the Windows Live Hotmail toolbar.

Follow the Safe and blocked senders link under Preventing junk email.

Now click Blocked senders.

Type the undesired email address under Blocked email address or domain:

You can block all addresses at a domain — the domain being what comes after the '@' sign in an email address — by entering just that.

Click Add to list >>.

"The first email she sent I didn't respond to her, but I forwarded it to my (more reasonable) father. She has then emailed me from his account with a demand to see my children".

Sending it to him as you no doubt realise now was a mistake. Your father is really her hatchet man and enabler, he gave her access to his e-mail account. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all but always need a willing enabler to help them, that person here is your dad who has also failed to protect you from her abuses of you. Ultimately you also need to be in a no contact position with him too.

I don't have hotmail but here's something to start you off. From the sounds of things you should add your father too. Or maybe set up a separate folder for him so you can check if he's emailed you only risking some from his account from her, without having to wade through hers.

smallbusiness.chron.com/make-filter-hotmail-29571.html

'It's all very 'yes, yes dear, you were abused, how terrible, now GIVE ME WHAT I WANT'.'

Sounds like absolute, total, classic narcissist behaviour. Both my parents are similar. I'm glad to hear you're in therapy OP - it was the path to calm and sanity for me, with a hell of a lot of pain along the way but absolutely worth it

Thank you.

My therapist is great, really great, I'm so lucky to have someone who has helped me deal with the trauma.

In lots of ways that was actually easier to deal with, as horrible as it was the abuse is in the past.

This is a living thing though, so tricky.

Sending it to him as you no doubt realise now was a mistake. Your father is really her hatchet man and enabler, he gave her access to his e-mail account. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all but always need a willing enabler to help them, that person here is your dad who has also failed to protect you from her abuses of you. Ultimately you also need to be in a no contact position with him too.*

Ah, their "flying monkeys". Need to watch out for them too in the future.

I think you can have remote compasson for someone who has narcissistic traits - but only from a long distance away and when you aren't personally involved.

When it's your mum, survival and learning to believe in yourself and look after yourself comes higher on the priority list than compassion. Narcissistic people believe they are the sun and everyone else is in orbit around them, and when that's your mum there's too much emotion involved.

Agreed that it'd be best to send her emails into a different folder and not read them.

I had a Mum like this too OP. I was sexually abused by a relative ( her Uncle). When I finally picked up the courage to tell her, she announced ' how do you think this makes me feel?'. Even as a 15 year old I knew that was an inadequate response. She is a vulnerable narcissist so extreme anxiety sits beside a controlling self centred nature. I am no contact with her, my dad and my sibling. I live my life with the aim to be nothing like them. You have my sympathy. All I'll say is rubbish parents make rubbish grandparents.

'When it's your mum, survival and learning to believe in yourself and look after yourself comes higher on the priority list than compassion'

Absolutely spot on
I realised years ago (through therapy) that in my relationship with my mother, it came down to either her or me. Thankfully I was able to choose myself

Lissette, that's just horrifying. You must have felt so alone