Sympathy for a narcissist?

[Imgoingonabearhunt]

This isn't one of those "MIL is a narc" off the cuff threads.

My mother has narcissistic traits. I have been in long-term psychotherapy long enough to know this to be the case.

My mother was not very good at looking after me.

My mother turned a blind eye to how I was treated and I was abused physically and sexually for big part of my childhood.

I am having a break from my mother right now. This is because when I tried to explain how a number of factors within our family contributed to my neglect and abuse she pointed fingers at anyone she could and then told me the fact that she was a bad parent was all her parent's fault.

I told her three months ago I don't want to speak to her at the moment.

She has started emailing me. It is all about her. Her grief, her pain. She is attempting to manoevre herself into the victim position with me as the aggressor because I have withdrawn contact from her and she is not seeing my DC at the moment.

I'm not even surprised by her behaviour. Not really angry...I think I just pity her very, very deeply. How can someone be so unself aware?

This week she went out for dinner with my abuser and then emailed me to tell me how hard everything is for her to cope with.

I just needed to write it down.

I felt very alone in my family Lottapianos- I was the scapegoat. I know I asked her not to tell anyone but years later when I queried her not telling the police, she said 'well you told me not to tell anyone'. I know I did but I was only 15 and he should have faced charges.

Instead, at the time, she said we'd have to have him over for Christmas and that this would be upsetting for her. I didn't get counselling or anything.

She was an appalling mother.

Mothers like this just cannot put anyone else's needs first, can they? And that's a pretty important part of being a parent! So heartless and so neglectful.

Did you manage to access any professional support as an adult? I really recommend it highly if you haven't x

Yes it does come higher on the list than compassion, at least in the ' early years ' (and years) of recovering from a narcissistic parent.

You say you have a brilliant therapist and you've done a lot of work and, by the sounds of things, have experienced some goodly healing - to the point you can experience, objectively at least, a degree of compassion.

I'm a bit long in the tooth with dealing with close relatives who are narcissists and I have got to the point of experiencing varying degrees of compassion for them. But always with a close eye on my mental health barometer: I MUST look after that as my top priority.

Only you can know if your compassion comes from a healthy, not craven, place. Because I don't care what anyone says, there is a degree of hate in nc - indeed hate propels it up to a point (yy self protection too, of course, in its appropriate place). Hate isn't good for the soul and, if possible, it's a good and healthy and humane thing to come to the point where we can entertain a level of compassion, however remote.

Bcs I think these people do suffer, sometimes terribly. On paper, that's not our concern when we have been seriously damaged by them - especially a parent whose job it is to protect. But a time can come when we are healed just enough to be able to give space to a level of compassion for what are often pitiful people. Just as long as we tread very very carefully and have firmly put to bed any idea they can ever meet our needs - and will continue to behave in a damaging way, bcs that's what they do and that isn't going to change.

Interestingly, your mother says she's a crap parent bcs of her parenting. There's a level of truth in that. But it's astonishingly she even acknowledges her 'crap parenting' - I've certainly never had that from my parents!

I haven't Lottapianos but I am considering it. I'm in a pretty good place but every so often I get a twinge. I don't want them - I grieve for the loving family I might have had. In the end you need to mother yourself.

Thanks all.

Springydaffs, I have compassion to an extent because I'd hate to be anything like her.

She didn't actually acknowledge her crap parenting. He response to me pointing out her (many and varied) safeguarding failures was:

"I'm sorry my parents were unable to give me the parenting skills you feel I lack".

Classic narc apology.

Lissette, so sorry to hear of your experience :(

It really is all about them, isn't it? I'm sorry you didn't get counselling or justice for the abuse.

I agree about me versus her.

I asked my family to give me space to deal with the abuse in therapy. She kept away for a few months and now she won't anymore, because she thinks she's more important than my recovery.

It's not just me versus her, either. It's her versus my children. I can't ever let her damage my children the way she damaged me.

Thanks all for the email advice.

On the other hand imgoingonabearhunt you've probably developed many skills and good traits including empathy.

Does your mother have any friends?

( Thanks for the support everyone)

Lissette, I hope so.

It's funny, but I don't mourn what I could have had (maybe that will come later).

I just want her to leave me the fuck alone and stop bloodsucking from me.

No, she doesn't have any friends (I can't think why).

Narcissists never change.