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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We have split but he won't move out

36 replies

Npgd81 · 19/06/2017 22:19

Hi everyone
I'm new here and looking for advice. My husband is a liar. He's put me through 6 years of stress lying about porn, gambling, hiding credit card statements from me. Having a midlife crisis last year and saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore but we got over it, now another one and he says he loves me as a best friend. Anyway it's been going on for nearly 4 weeks and he won't move out. We rent, both names on tenancy. I have 3 kids, one is his. I've spoken to his mum and just don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm going to crack up carrying on like this and he's just told me to be normal and carry on!!! This is not right behaviour, how can I act normal?!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/06/2017 22:24

Does he need time to find a place or is he planning on staying there for good.

Original poster
Npgd81 · 19/06/2017 22:26

He just keeps saying we have to live like this....
I've asked him to go and stay with his parents but he's refusing

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 19/06/2017 22:27

Start looking for somewhere to rent on your own, then move out yourself. You don't have a legal way of making him move that I can see and he won't go of his own free will. Sorry.

Lockheart · 19/06/2017 22:30

If his name is on the tenancy then I don't believe there is much recourse; legally he's in the right. You could try explaining the situation to your landlord but I'm not sure whether they could remove one tenant or whether they'd have to cancel the whole contract (I'm sure someone more knowledgeable than me will be along at some point).

If the situation is truly untenable for you, is there any way you could move out, even temporarily?

Original poster
Npgd81 · 19/06/2017 22:35

Thanks. It's just the fact he's carrying on as normal. Messing with my mind, one minute thinking we're together and then next we're not. But we're definately not now. I want decisions made and he just keeps saying give it time. He's still getting into my bed at night

OP posts:
Twitchingdog · 19/06/2017 22:54

Do rent or own

FeelTheNoise · 19/06/2017 23:01

I think you might need to explore getting an occupation order, which you'd be likely to get if you're the primary carer for all of your children. NCDV can advise you

user1476869312 · 19/06/2017 23:03

Start looking for somewhere else to live, find somewhere, let your landlord know and move out. He may be able to stay on in the property - depends what the landlord thinks about it - or he may not, but it won't be your problem. You cannot be forced to live with a man you no longer want to live with.

Siwdmae · 19/06/2017 23:05

You can ask the łndlord to remove him from the tenancy but you're on dodgy ground. Much easier to give notice and move yourself.

Original poster
Npgd81 · 19/06/2017 23:11

Thanks everyone.
I just can't see why he won't move out and leave me in peace. I'm making myself ill. I work from home, I've lost half a stone cos I'm so stressed and he just expects me to carry on as normal and not say anything to the land lady (who is also a friend)

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 19/06/2017 23:15

Tell the land lady. Can you move into a different bedroom?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/06/2017 23:16

He expects you to give in and keep subsidising his gambling habit.

Sleep elsewhere. Tell the landlady. Tell everyone. Change your status on Facebook. Find a new place to rent quickly.

Original poster
Npgd81 · 19/06/2017 23:18

Oh and forgot to add he was messaging another woman at work too! Found that out the other week when he fessed up. Also he spent the night in a hotel to get his head together as felt suffocated and told me he was on overtime!

OP posts:
Original poster
Npgd81 · 19/06/2017 23:20

He hasn't gambled for a while now. But to start with it was porn at the beginning and then it switched to gambling
But nothing for couple months. We don't have any spare rooms cos I have 3 kids, only 1 is his. I've told him not to sleep in my bed but he keeps doing it and as saying it's his bed too

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/06/2017 23:38

You have not split up. He knows you have not split up. He is carrying on as normal because nothing has actually changed. You haven't even talked to the landlady.

You can't expect him to drive the break up or be cooperative. You have to do it.

Have you told the children? Have you discussed contact arrangements? Child maintenance? Been to a solicitor?

Chloe84 · 19/06/2017 23:44

You have to speak to the LL and get him off the lease.

Is he expecting you to pay bills/rents?

You don't have to live like this. Flowers

Original poster
Npgd81 · 20/06/2017 07:52

We have split up, we've both said it but I am not prepared to act normal. He's going out with his mates today which was only meant to be this evening but now he's decided he's going all day.
Once he moves out I can move on and figure out what I'm going to do. I really do Hate him for doing this to me

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 20/06/2017 07:58

God - the getting into bed with you must make your skin crawl.

The only thing I can think of is just constantly remind him that he is moving: have you looked at any flats yet; all this stuff of yours needs to be packed up, here are the bin bags etc etc. Maybe this will make everything uncomfortable enough for him to start getting himself into gear.

Otherwise, you may have to seriously think about moving out yourself. An absolute pain, but may be the best thing in the long run. Good luck.

TheNaze73 · 20/06/2017 08:01

Not looking good legally.

He's expecting you to move out I think

Original poster
Npgd81 · 20/06/2017 08:04

I told him last night he will have to go or I will and that we need to speak to the landlady and he said no not yet. I said yes we do. I work from home as a childminder, I'm trying to keep it together for everyone and really struggling. We have 2 dogs that will need rehoming cos I'm not being tied to them on my own. There's one house in the village for rent but I have no money behind me for deposit and month up front etc

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/06/2017 08:41

Is he paying 50% of the rent now?

eynesbury · 20/06/2017 08:48

You aren't 'split up'

In his head it's just the same but he now gets to do what he likes

He can sleep around.... message women.... gamble.... and there's nothing you can do/say, all the while you are still cooking/cleaning/sorting kids.

Only thing that's changed is his sexual partner

How do finances work?

Mrsdarcyiwish10 · 20/06/2017 09:23

If you speak to the council they can give you a bond as a deposit and possibly housing benefit for your rent so you don't have to pay, well they do here, it's always worth asking

user1476869312 · 20/06/2017 09:30

You don't need his permission or his co-operation to end the relationship. You can speak to the landlady, tell friends etc. it sounds like he does think his life can carry on in the same way, with you providing childcare and domestic services and him not even bothering to hide what he is doing.

Hont1986 · 20/06/2017 11:39

You can't just 'speak to the landlady and get him off the lease'. He's a tenant.

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