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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband doesnt love me.

26 replies

dyinginside13 · 18/06/2017 21:32

I really need some advice please. Ive been with my oh for 16years..married 9. The past 6 months have been crap. He has told me he doesnt love me on numerous occasions because to cut a very long story short. Im very insecure and basically acuse him of doing stuff..moan if he glances at other women..im constantly scrutinising his every move and for no reason. He is an amazing dad to our 3kids, works hard for us. And ive really just pushed him so much he has had enough of me. He has been staying at a mates for 4 days now. I am dying. I really dont want to lose him, but he says he is done. Im such an idiot. 3 times in the past 6 months ive done something to fire up and him say he doesnt want this and he has stayed. Now he has gone and he really doesnt want me. Help!!

OP posts:

Kennethnoisewater · 18/06/2017 21:35

There is no help, you admit you have pushed him away with your appalling, abusive, controlling behaviour. There is nothing to do now but learn from this and hope that you don't carry your terrible behaviour over to new relationships, get help, counselling etc but if he says he's done (and I don't blame him) then let him go and be happy.

Peewee23 · 18/06/2017 21:37

Only you can take steps to change the way you behave. If you want him back you are going to have to and even that might not be enough

Want2beme · 18/06/2017 21:59

Why do you think you behave in this way? Have you considered seeking help for yourself? It's tough to hear you're not loved.

thestamp · 18/06/2017 22:04

Are you really going to change? It's unlikely isn't it?

I think you need to let him go.

Maybe there are good reasons why you are acting like this- but then, that in itself would indicate that it's time to let him go in any case...

You can't expect him to stay with someone who doesn't trust him and has made him unhappy...

Lexieblue · 18/06/2017 22:15

In the very unlikely scenario of getting another chance OP you need to treat him better. And get counselling; possibly both separately and together to understand why you're doing this, whether the damage done can be fixed and if there is a future.

If he's done you have to accept it. Nurture his role as a father. Get counselling for yourself.

But this decision is out of your hands now. He needs space.

smitti · 18/06/2017 22:19

Why have the last six months in particular been bad? Has your behaviour been worse, if so why? Has his behaviour changed at all?

gillybeandramaqueen · 18/06/2017 23:02

Hey. It can't ALL be down to you. Can it? Has he not played his part?

PookieDo · 18/06/2017 23:07

I am gobsmacked by the suggestion that the DH may have deserved some of this abuse? Did you mean that Gilly?
OP admits being abusive and DH has done nothing wrong.

OP this is a horrible wake up call but you need to let him go. I am sorry for you but you need to get help. And do not try to make him stay with you when he doesn't want to.
I hope you get the help you need.

Giraffey1 · 18/06/2017 23:16

Have you ever sought help for this behaviour? You know it isn't normal, don't you? I think that if you really want to salvage this relationship (and I'm not sure you can) you need to do something to demonstrate you recognise that what you are doing is wrong and pushing your H away. It isn't surprising he has finally had enough, given what you've said. I'm sorry if the sounds blunt, but if the roles were reversed .....

gillybeandramaqueen · 18/06/2017 23:18

No I didn't mean that at all. I meant - did he contribute in any way to the deterioration of the relationship?

SandyY2K · 18/06/2017 23:19

I think you should seek counselling to get to the bottom of why you do this.
It might be related to your childhood experiences and a time you felt abandoned, or that you saw this happen in your parent's relationship.

Your insecurity stems from somewhere and has impacted on your marriage really badly.

Are you insecure because of your looks /weight?

Is it your husband's personality that leaves you insecure?

It could be that a therapist is what you need, rather than a counsellor, if your issues are deep rooted. An initial assessment with a good counsellor will put you in the right direction.

Get one who is a member of the BACP.

splendidglenda · 18/06/2017 23:23

It is abusive behaviour. You can make some steps now to get counselling and make sure you facilitate good contact between him and the children. Do all of this for the right reasons. Not to get him back. Maybe someday you'll be reunited. Maybe not. Wish you well, OP. You deserve happiness too. Hopefully the counselling will enable that

PookieDo · 18/06/2017 23:27

It won't really be helpful to focus on things he did wrong to break the relationship down if he no longer wants to fix it.
If this is only in the last 6 months then something must have changed majorly but he's done the right thing for the kids as they won't have to experience this at home if it's been this awful

PaintingByNumbers · 18/06/2017 23:36

have you always been this way? how sure are you that he isnt being unfaithful? i'm surprised so many posters are agreeing with your take on it, it seems equally likely he is being unfaithful and that is driving your behaviour. so if you havent always been this way, what changed?

Cricrichan · 18/06/2017 23:37

You need counselling. I am on the receiving end and it has meant that I no longer love him. I know why he is like that, it's because of his childhood and his narcissistic mother but it still doesn't change the fact that it affects us. All it's done is what he feared most and that's push me away.

So you need to change. You need counselling and coping mechanisms.

PookieDo · 18/06/2017 23:45

If he had cheated then I would have hoped OP had mentioned this in the OP. As it has no mention of this at all I take it at face value that he hadn't cheated and sounds like a man who has just had enough

Happy to be corrected but also not happy that we must assume all men are cheaters and there must alewsy be a reason for paranoia. How does this work on both MN are we to read all posts not at face value and make up our own versions?

PookieDo · 18/06/2017 23:46

'How does this work on MN'
Stupid auto correct adding words in

MyheartbelongstoG · 19/06/2017 01:10

I did this with my ex husband but for different reasons and we worked it out. Eventually I left him.

Give him space and time.

Good luck op.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/06/2017 01:58

What happened first, your behaviour or him saying he didnt love you?

Sarawoods · 19/06/2017 05:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LedaP · 19/06/2017 06:01

The way the Op has acted is abusive.

If a woman posted from her dhs perspective would you say 'what did you do to contribute to your abusive partners actions?'

The op clearly says she constantly scrutinised her husbands every move. For no reason.

I have been where he is and eventually ot becomes too much and you do fall out of love. You become detached fron the person doing this too you.

TaggySits · 19/06/2017 06:46

Does Dr Solution sort blocked drains?

Siwdmae · 19/06/2017 06:57

Does Dr Solution sort blocked drains?

Ha ha! Reported the Dr Solution stupidity. Probably everyone else did too. Ridiculous shite.

OP! You need counselling no to understand why you have gone so far to push him away :(

cherrylove · 19/06/2017 06:59

I need a Dr Solution in my life.

Original poster

dyinginside13 · 19/06/2017 12:16

This week since he has left has been a reality check for me. I was a dancer when we met..fit..attractive..life and soul of the party. Over the years..kids. i have doubled in size and stay at home with the kids. Its not excuse at all and when you are calling it abuse..I am absolutley disgusted with myself. I have never ever looked at it like that. Because of the way i am now i think he is going to go off with someone else and ive pushed him to leave anyway. He cancelled our wedding the first time just after we had our first baby because he had become close with another woman. However he swore nothing ever went on he was just scared of marriage and we had just had a baby. We decided to give it ago and eventually got married that was 9 years ago. Maybe I have always thought he will do it again and not got over it. But he certainly does not deserve how I am. I have been to counselling. And i found it useful. Its now a waiting game to see if we can salvage our marriage. I have lost 3 stone and im starting to feel more confident. I dont want to lose him. We were very happy at one time i just want to prove to him that i am so sorry for all I have done.

OP posts:

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