Horrible, selfish thing, potential big mess

[plotmissinginaction]

Married fifteen years, two kids. Been unhappy and lonely for a long time. DH regularly emotionally abusive, constantly telling me I'm fucking useless. On a work thing and connected with someone and you can guess the rest. Unprotected, took the morning after pill. Now my head is reeling with shame and fear. What if the MAP doesn't work. What kind of person am I? Briefly I had a moment of feeling good about myself after years of not but I'm struggling with massive anxiety now, tipping into self loathing. I have no one to talk to hence the post.

Stop beating yourself up, and get a divorce.

Wow, yes,I agree.

Maybe this is your turning point? Mine came when I was also married to an abusive turd, when someone showed me what I was missing & what a relationship could have been like.

Instead of hating yourself look at what happened as a positive thing. You felt good about yourself, you had a glimpse of how your life could be. Take that shame & fear & squash it, remember the good feeling! Then leave your abusive DH & start a new life where you feel that good all the time.

STI check.
Then divorce.

That was not the response I was expecting. I cheated. Although in a way he has been betraying me for years. I'm exhausted with feeling afraid all the time. At the time I wasn't sorry, I felt happy. Fear of pregnancy has unraveled that a bit and then guilt, thoughts about my children.

Your human - been through a rough time , be kind to yourself

Did you expect everyone to call you a whore?!

Your marriage is not a marriage. Time to do what is necessary to make it official.

Will you need help to get free from him?

I would also state stop beating yourself up and get a divorce asap. You do not have to remain married to an abuser who has ground you down emotionally over the years to a shadow. You can live again out of the shadows.

What has stopped you from doing that to date; have you really stayed within this marriage because of the children?. They won't say thanks mum for you being with someone like their dad and they are also seeing you being abused by him. What do you think they are learning about relationships here; is this really the role model you also want to be teaching them?.

Honestly? I think you did nothing wrong - and I am really against cheating. But you can only cheat when there is something to cheat on. It sounds like you've not had a real relationship for some time, as when your husband started to abuse you he broke the contract of marriage in my eyes. He broke 'love, honour and cherish' so to me - morally at least - you didn't really cheat, he did.

Get checked, get everything in order and then get a divorce. You have already started your emancipation.

LTB.

Seriously you need to divorce your abusive husband. You've started to internalise his twisted view of you.

But you can only cheat when there is something to cheat on.

^^This. You only get one life, OP 💐

The kind of person you are is a woman who needs and deserves to be loved. By yourself first and foremost. Be strong and leave- as the previous poster says, this is your turning point.

I had one too, nearly three years ago and I am now truly happy and loved. It's going to be hard, but not as hard as staying where you are.

You've been living in misery and fear and now you've rebelled against that. Don't feel guilty, just listen to the message you're sending yourself and leave him. Your children will be much happier when you're happy.

I've thought often of leaving but was so afraid, money worries, worries about him being really nasty about it, fear that he was right. With this other person, he was so decent and nice I didn't know what to do with myself.

Finances are a mess, that's the main thing I think. And just taking the step. I've been here before, well not exactly here but at the point of wanting out but I never quite manage it. My confidence in myself has been very low.

Fear is understandable and does keep people within abusive marriages but you can break free.

Womens Aid are also worth contacting on 0808 2000 247; he is not as powerful as he or you think he is. He is not above the law nor is the owner of you.

Normally I would have said you were very wrong to be unfaithful to your husband.
But since you are married in name only it was actually the wake-up call that you needed to get out of an unsatisfactory arrangement. Don't let this opportunity go by. Leave this situation and find yourself a better one.

In my opinion there is a massive difference between cheating for the thrill or having a long term affair and this situation. You sound very vulnerable, scared and unhappy. I am a firm believer that people don't cheat unless something is wrong in their marriage. Your marriage is wrong, your husband is abusive. Please for your sake use this to give you the push to leave.

Thank you. I feel a little calmer. I'm still away from home so I have a bit of time to think. We have a big family holiday booked and I'm dreading it, it's not right. I keep thinking I've wrecked my life but it was already broken. I do want out. I hope to god I have the nerve.

So this is what's happened - you've been ground down to a shell for years - not a huge surprise really that you throw caution to the wind when a nice bloke shows a bit of interest in you. Your dh has caused this.

Start making plans. Being a single parent is a bit shit financially but it gets easier. Being a single parent is a bit shit in no other ways!!

Keep
Posting op this is the place to be if you need to leave your idiot husband. And you do x

I'm home now and I don't know where to start. What is the first step? Should I talk to someone?

Very anxious. Period very light. I just want to focus on getting out of this marriage not have other worries.

Period had kicked in thankfully. So now where do I even begin? I feel very scared. I can't say anything to him until I know the steps. Should I speak to a solicitor? I've no idea what I'm doing.

I would have a discreet word with a solicitor and/or research online (maybe at work or using a 'private browsing' option if you are concerned 'D'H will find out). Best of luck OP.

As an aside, I do think the response of posters would be totally different if you were a man posting...

Sorry but you did do wrong; just because he's a horrible bastard doesn't mean that gives you the A ok to be the same.

Use this as a final nail in your marriage, you need to leave the horrible bastard now.

Lawyer, CAB now.