Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated what now

29 replies

HotTears · 18/06/2017 11:45

So i found out last night tgat my DP of 8 years has been messaging another woman. He accidentely sent me a message that was meant for her arranging to meet at a hotel.

We have one DD and i am just heartbroken. He denied everything until this morning.
He has told me that it has only being going on a few weeks and he has only been messaging her that nothing has happened yet and that he met her on a night out.

He wants to try work things out says he doesnt want to lose me. I am so upset and cant believe he would do this to me im so hurt and dont know what to do i cud never forgive him.

Things have not been great between us the past few months but we had a big chat during the week and he promised to changa and make things better( he has been pretty horrible over the last few months).

I dont know what to do i cant stop thinking about it and its tearing me apart. How do i get on with this. He wants to try talk to me this evening but im torn about what i should do

Please someone give me some advice what would you do ?

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/06/2017 11:48

You wouldn't of found out if it wasn't for that message being sent to you.

He had every intention of it going further at the hotel, unless he booked a hotel just for a chat and a game of scrabble.

I'd walk. He was about to start an affair you just caught him out. You'd never be able too trust him again.

AlcoholandIrony · 18/06/2017 11:49

Are you sure the message he sent you was an accident?

What do you want to do? You are perfectly reasonable to want space while you work that one out.

Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 11:51

Ya it was definetely an accident. I know i can never trust him again and i need to leave him but its just so hard to do it

OP posts:
lurkingwithlove · 18/06/2017 11:52

Oh I'm sorry OP it's heart-wrenching I know.

First if all I'd say don't talk about it until you've had some time apart from him. He doesn't get to call the shots.

If he was unpleasant in the run-up to this then it was probably his way of making himself feel less guilty by blaming your relationship for his infidelity, a classic unfortunately.

Big question is how do you feel about him. Could you be with someone who did that? Is he only sorry because he got caught?

Don't let him manipulate you into anything rushed. He needs to leave you alone until you're ready to talk.

category12 · 18/06/2017 11:55

It's likely that the 'treating you horribly' is directly related to the fact he's been after this OW - it's a common thing that someone gets interested in another partner and consciously or subconsciously starts being mean to their current one, creating a bad atmosphere and therefore "we weren't getting along, you drove me to it" type defence. So I would suspect he's been at it longer than a few weeks, but rather the months of poor treatment too.

If they haven't slept together, they were intending to.

I would walk if I were you.

lurkingwithlove · 18/06/2017 11:56

Have you someone in real life who can help you leave?
Do it for your DD if you find it hard to do for yourself. She deserves a strong and happy Mum who doesn't accept lies in a relationship x

ImperialBlether · 18/06/2017 11:57

He says it's been going on for weeks, but things have been different for months, haven't they? Trust your instincts as to how long it's been going on.

When you think about it, if you hadn't found out, this would have continued. It's naive (though understandable) to believe him when he says nothing's actually happened.

Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 12:00

Thank you it really is heart wrenching and i feel like everything has been taken away from me. Its hard to get space as we live together and dont have anywhere to go and it kills me to think how this will affect our DD.

He tried to justify it by saying he wasnt happy with the relationship. If thats the case he should have ended it. I feel like he just wanted to have me looking after our DD and taking care of the house while he was making a fool out of me

OP posts:
Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 12:02

I dont really believe that nothing has happened and i do think it has been going on longer.

I should have known he is very secretive with his phone.

Im just so heartbroken it hurts so much

OP posts:
Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 12:05

And i know he is never going to tell me the full truth of what he did

OP posts:
newjobsoon · 18/06/2017 12:06

TBH how do you know they haven't already met up? Was it clear from the text it was a first time? I don't believe him. He's minimising what has gone on. Check bank accounts and credit cards and phone bills if he wont be transparent then there's your answer.

Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 12:08

Hi lurking i do have my DM but i feel like i cant impose myself and my DD on her she looks after my DD everyday while i work as it is

OP posts:
newjobsoon · 18/06/2017 12:08

You need to take action. He needs to leave otherwise when the dust has settled it will happen again.

Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 12:10

Hi newjobsoon i dont know that they havent met up i believe that he has met up with her and he is just telling me he hasnt because he thinks there is more hope of me staying if he hasnt actually gone through wit anything yet.

I wish he would just tell me the truth and make it easier for me

OP posts:
BengalGal · 18/06/2017 12:15

I'm so sorry this happened and so glad you found out. Call women's aid. They are experts in helping women leave. Tell your mother what happened and you want to go. See what she offers and accept it, it's only temporary. Get yourself checked for STDs. I'm sure it began with the bad treatment of the last few months and he's definitely been sleeping with her. There would have been a better chance of getting back together if he had been really honest. Instead he's lying and trying to blame you. He's being a pig. It's better to see his true colors now while you are still young and can make a new life for yourself and your daughter.

BengalGal · 18/06/2017 12:16

Or pack his things while he's out, put them on the curb, change the locks, if you have the guts to do that. Probably better just to leave.

Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 12:23

I will talk to my DM this evening and will definetely get myself checked for stds.

Unfortunetely its his name on the house only so it will be me that has to leave

Im still in shock and cant get my head around it. I suppose noone ever thinks it will happen to them

OP posts:
lurkingwithlove · 18/06/2017 12:40

HotTears of course you're in shock, it's so upsetting.
I'm glad you're thinking if letting your DM help, you would want your DD to come to you I'm sure. People can be amazingly supportive.

And he needs to see you leave.

Because even if you decide there's something salvageable (though I would not advise that road) then he still needs to feel consequences for this or it'll just be a green light to do it again only more carefully.

Whatever you do, don't let it make you feel in any way responsible. This is all his fault. Whatever the problems in a relationship, disrespecting, lying to and cheating on the other person is just wrong. It's cowardly and cruel.

Get angry op, it gives you energy to move on.

Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 13:07

I really do need to get angry im just so heartbroken its hard to get angry

OP posts:
lurkingwithlove · 18/06/2017 13:36

I know love it's just so painful.
You're going to need to rest a lot and keep yourself as well as you can. Can you do sth just you and DD? Get some air, a change of scene? Can you go to your Mum's now?

PollyPerky · 18/06/2017 13:38

I understand you are in shock but I'd suggest you wait and see how you feel in a few weeks time.
There are marriages that recover from infidelity.
If you have a child, you each have a responsibility to try to maintain your marriage. Ok, posters will come along and say your DH ought to have thought of that first. I agree. But at the same time you each have to try to rise above your own emotions and put your child first. That's what I think anyway. It's easy to walk away, or have an affair, but it takes effort and commitment from everyone to try to work through these things.

It doesn't have to be 'one strike and you are out'. But if your marriage was in trouble anyway and the affair is a symptom, maybe it is all over.

Would you consider counselling for each of you to try to build your relationship again?

category12 · 18/06/2017 13:59

Leaving is not the easy way out, it's actually harder than staying, imo. Lot of people try to make it work, but the thing about cheaters, is they almost always repeat the behaviour in the same relationship, no matter how hard you work at it.

lurkingwithlove · 18/06/2017 14:11

I agree cat leaving is not the easy way out.
Being good parents isn't about staying in the same house.
My exh is a much better and more involved father now and DS won't grow up with a sad and angry mum and entitled and selfish dad as if that's the norm.

Original poster
HotTears · 18/06/2017 14:13

DP is gone to his mums now with DD. My DM wont be home until later so i will go and teĺl her what is going on when she is home.

He is begging me not to go but i dont believe i am being told the entire truth about his cheating.

We are not married but engaged and had our date booked for 2 years time.

The thing that kills me the most is that friday night we had a huge talk and both agreed to try and work things out. Saturday he was lovely to me we got on great had a nice day with DD. Then saturday evening he sent the message to me accidentally about meeting his OW. If he really wanted to make things work and if he really was telling the truth about nothing happening between them yet then he would not have been messaging her to meet him and would have ended things with her before anything happened

OP posts:
lurkingwithlove · 18/06/2017 14:42

See that's why it's so hard to come back from something like this. It's the sneakiness.
I get why some think you should work on a marriage but that needs to be only if you feel the person is worth it. Someone who is that cynical, who could play two people and lie like that would be a total turn off for me and I wouldn't want them in my life any more, there would be nothing valuable to save. If you don't have trust you have nothing.
Op it's horrendous but you will come through it. Cry and cry til you get angry, just not with him in the room. He needs to give you loads of space.

Swipe left for the next trending thread