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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spousal sexual abuse

49 replies

IrritatedUser1960 · 17/06/2017 21:54

Right....I have read an awful lot of posts about men constantly "going on" about not having enough sex, whining, pestering, forcing, nagging, threatening, not so secretive wanking in bed next to you, reminiscing constantly about the early days of your relationship in bed which quite frankly is not sustainable with small children or the menopause or illness.
In my mind this constitutes abuse and is a form of mental rape and should be stamped on. I divorced my husband for this as it was making my life an abject misery and by the end of our long relationship quite frankly I was fucking sick of hearing about sex.
We would have had a great sexual relationship if it wasn't day in and day out pressure and whining about it.
What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
Mari50 · 17/06/2017 22:16

My relationship with exP was similar. He honestly didn't put 2+2 together and work out that the coercive sex I endured was exactly why I didn't ever want to have sex with him. If he'd been kind and attentive and affectionate then I'd have wanted to have sex with him.

wherearemymarbles · 17/06/2017 23:29

I notice you dont mention the 100's of posts from Women moaning they are not getting enough sex. Are they abusers too?

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 17/06/2017 23:32

wherearemymarbles depends if they were engaging in abusive behaviour such as that described in the op

Josuk · 17/06/2017 23:59

I disagree with the use of the word abuse - mostly out of respect for victims of actual abuse.

But - yes - mismatched libido is a problem - both for men and women, on each side of the equation.

But - you divorced your H and got out of the situation that didn't work for you.
So - why this, why now????

scottishdiem · 18/06/2017 00:08

Depends. Highlighting a desire for sex in a relationship is not mental rape. Physically pestering very quickly becomes sexual assault. And rape is rape.

Ignoring a desire for more intimacy, not speaking about it, not caring about it or your partners desires or needs is a problem.

As has been noted before, for many men sex is about the creation of a relationship where attentiveness and affection can flourish. For women attentiveness and affection can lead to a flourish sexual relationship.

HerOtherHalf · 18/06/2017 00:18

mismatched libido is a problem

Mismatched libido is a fact of life. It's not that it happens that is the problem, it's how you respond to it. I am involved in a number of outdoor group activities. When i am coaching, I always remind the group that it is far easier for the faster ones to slow down than it is for the slower ones to speed up. Same applies with sexual appetite in a relationship. If you are not in the mood due to exhaustion, hormones, medical problems or because you just don't feel loved there is not a lot you can do. Sorry, a bit of a digression. I agree with the OP. Bullying, coercing, pestering or emotionally blackmailing your partner to have sex is abuse, morally at least. Too many men think their partner is not a person, just a life support system for a vagina.

backwardnames · 18/06/2017 00:22

Yes, it is abuse if it is constant. I haven't had it about sex but H definitely nags / posters a lot about things and it can be torturous (we are talking 3 hours of talking / questions until I am on my knees with exhaustion).

EastMidsMumOf1 · 18/06/2017 00:32

Not abuse, mismatched libido. I get angry if my husband goes without sex for a few days and I will make a point that hes neglecting my needs as his wife. Its just part and parcel of being married, putting illness or other obstacles aside there really shouldnt be any other reason for either spouse to refuse sex, for me if my husband kept refusing over and over again Id probably fall out of love with him due to lack of intimacy and him not prioritising my needs. But thats just my opinion

Shoxfordian · 18/06/2017 06:24

It's a form of coercive control which does fall under the domestic abuse laws.

If you have mismatched libidos then you can talk about it; try to compromise but sulking; nagging and whining about lack of sex is not acceptable. Also nothing less attractive than a grown man acting like a 5 year old

kittensinmydinner1 · 18/06/2017 06:47

Shox does that also apply to a woman who's husband doesn't want to have sex ? Is the woman guilty of 'coercive control' if she is "sulking nagging and whining' ?

I do not agree that it's 'abuse' . I think that's belittling to victims of abuse. If you don't want sex and are forced into it, then its rape plain and simple. and should be prosecuted.
Ultimately it's your choice. If you don't want sex with your partner then leave the relationship. Constant rejection is corrosive and an utterly miserable way to live .

picklemepopcorn · 18/06/2017 06:47

The way some are describing it sounds like servicing the needs of partner. Is that level of physical 'need' normal? Could there be a hormonal imbalance that makes constant sex necessary as well as the opposite?

picklemepopcorn · 18/06/2017 06:49

I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone who is angry if they don't get it often enough.

Shoxfordian · 18/06/2017 06:58

I think it's on a spectrum of abusive behaviour Kitten and yes it applies equally to women nagging or whining about sex.

Even if your partner does consent after nagging or sulking then it's hardly enthusiastic consent is it? It's consenting to stop someone nagging at you so not really true consent

Nowwhatsthis · 18/06/2017 07:08

Of course it's abuse!

My exH started like this, nagging, whining, emotionally blackmailing me when I didn't want sex. As a previous poster said, if he had been kind and attentive I would've wanted it, this just moved me further from it.

It ended with him shoving me into a wall and pushing me down the stairs because I kept not wanting to have sex with him.

Nelly5678 · 18/06/2017 07:28

I don't see how wanking in your own bed next to your partner is mental rape. I think doing it over you isn't on but if they respect you enough to understand that you said no, you should respect that they may have needs and wanking is a substitute to meet them as you rightly aren't willing to at the time. To me I'd be greatful if my partner amused themself rather than forced me to be involved if I wasn't comfortable. But I do see your point yes

mittenXL5 · 18/06/2017 07:41

I do not agree that it's 'abuse' . I think that's belittling to victims of abuse

Well I'm a victim of (physical) abuse and I do think coercing and pressuring for sex is abusive as well. I wish I'd seen it at the time it was happening to me - maybe I'd have got out before the point where the hitting got bad too.

My ex would pester me for sex all the time. ALL the time. Sometimes if we had just had sex minutes before he would be on at me again about it. He would joke about in front of our friends so it was a running joke that I didn't have sex with him as much as he wanted, ha ha! And sometimes would even joke with them about what things I would do instead and how he was still sooooo frustrated when it wasn't full intercourse.

Things I liked doing he wasn't interested in, but anything I wasn't comfortable with he was very very interested in, and would whine and pester and whine and pester on and on and on and on until I gave in. He once told me, when I refused to do something he wanted, that he was 'afraid' he'd just snap and rape me. (And then burst into tears and I had to help him feel better about himself.) Other stuff I'm still too ashamed to talk about.

I was young and easily manipulated and thought we just had mismatched libidos. Turns out years later, even that wasn't true - I like sex lots, just not when I'm made to feel constantly shit about it.

ClopySow · 18/06/2017 07:54

Not abuse, mismatched libido. I get angry if my husband goes without sex for a few days and I will make a point that hes neglecting my needs as his wife

And you can't see anything wrong with that? Why does your need for sex trump his need not to have sex?

Original poster
IrritatedUser1960 · 18/06/2017 09:42

Why here why now becasue it seems to be a thing in posts on here so obviously it is a regular occurrence in the lives of women.

I was actually raped several times by my first husband but found the constant nagging of my 2nd husband about sex actually more distressing becasue it was cnstant and I could never relax or feel happy. I was stressed 24/7. Would often stay downstairs cleaning until 2 in the morning to avoid it then go to work the next day shattered.

I'm staying single now, I can't face going through this with another man.

OP posts:
IP1974 · 18/06/2017 09:56

I agree with you OP. My ex was so sulky it put me off. Battle of wills at bedtime. I'm not sure it was abuse but it killed our sex life. I hated sex with him because it felt forced and most times I didn't want to. I felt I had to so he didn't moan and whinge. I hated it, resented him, it felt like rape even though it wasn't.

TheNaze73 · 18/06/2017 12:10

The sulking & coersive behaviour is not on & is bang out of order.

Mismatched libido is a big issue & walking away is totally an option for people following a sensible grown up discussion.

picklemepopcorn · 18/06/2017 12:22

Do the people with high sex drives consider they have a hormone imbalance to address, in the way people with low sex drives are sometimes asked to consider?

HerOtherHalf · 18/06/2017 14:19

I do not agree that it's 'abuse' . I think that's belittling to victims of abuse

That's like saying some rapes are worse than others. All victims deserve support and empathy and there is no need to resort to a game of abuse Top Trumps.
Surely when defining abuse, we should not be looking at the motivation of the perpetrator, nor particularly at their methods, but at the impact on the victim. Some people may be able to deal with being constantly nagged for sex, being told they are not normal or not trying, being made to feel that their relationship is under threat. Most though, IMO, will suffer a steady erosion of confidence and self-esteem and that is why, for me, it is abuse.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/06/2017 16:11

I'm totally speculating here as I like to think I have minimal experience of being a sex pest, but from the outside it doesn't even really look as if it's about the sex. Pp was saying her p was only interested if she wasn't. And wanting sex several times a day? That's one hell of a libido Confused It looks to me more like it's about power, control and ownership.

EastMidsMumOf1 · 18/06/2017 20:12

I dont see anything wrong with it, if my dh wants sex I will with no hesitation - whether I'm in the mood or not. So when I want sex and he may be too tired he should still reciprocate in the same way. Otherwise resentment will build, there are not many things worse than to constantly be rejected and I dont know why so many women (and men) deny their spouse that right then complain that their marriage is falling apart. My dh works 80hrs p/w and Im a SAHM we are both tired but we make sure we are still maintaining that love and passion we had in our early days of marriage.

ClopySow · 19/06/2017 18:18

deny their spouse that right

Sex is not a right.