My husband is anti social

[beentocarlucios]

We've been together 11 years and I find the more time goes on the more of an issue this becomes.

I'm quite social, enjoying making friends and hanging out with people. He appears social initially but actually doesn't really like most people.

What he does like is having the upper hand and lecturing people in how they should do x, y or z and tbh I find his social ineptness or different style or whatever you want to call it boring and it kind of ruins the mood.

I've tried to just carve a life out for myself separately to our marriage as I get not everyone likes being that social but even then, I feel awkward having friends over as I feel his disapproving presence on n the house puts us all on edge.

It's really starting to wear me down. I feel resentful towards him that he offers nothing at all socially. He doesn't bother keeping in touch with anyone. He works from home too so literally just see me & the DC's.

It's not just friends either. He has a massive family but doesn't make an effort with his siblings either. I don't know what to make of it anymore. He has good points obviously but this is becoming a real issue.

I think it depends if other areas of your relationship are OK. I've just separated from my H who sounds very similar - I put up with it for years but when it came to the point that there were other issues as well I realised I'd had enough.

It can be really draining living with someone like that and ime he's unlikely to change so you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not.

It sounds like you're not compatible. You can't change him, it's his nature. He seems very introverted and you're the opposite. He probably finds your social needs frustrating and invasive.

Mine was.
We divorced

We have other issues in terms of his engagement in our relationship I suppose. I feel he doesn't contribute without prompting in lots of areas, not just socially. He does really seem to care about normal life stuff either.

He wasn't like this when we met. He had lots of friends and we socialised together loads but stopped once we were married.

I think he enjoys the fact I entertain myself and DC's so he can focus on his own stuff (sport/chess). I'm just finding it pretty tedious.

Those that divorced- are you happier?

DH was away recently and it was so nice! We had friends over, they stayed and played until late (ish), it felt quite freeing.

I find it very freeing when dh isn't at home, tbh. In fact, I don't often invite people round when he is here - I just find his social ineptness/controlling behaviour (not sure what it is) so difficult to deal with.

Making plans to end it soon.

We're in the early days of separating so at the moment life's very unsettled. But I'm pretty sure once we're sorted I will be happier - the thought of never having to dread being invited to something because I don't know how he will behave just makes me feel so relieved, and hopefully I'll actually be able to invite my friends here too, you know like normal people do .

I think I'd find that really, really hard to live with. If you're not an introvert and actively want to seek out and enjoy the company of others, then having that "leave me alone" presence in the background must be bloody wearing.

But what changed? You said he was social when you met - so why isn't he now? Is it a sort of anxiety? Is he generally a happy person?

I'm ecstatic.
I realised how many excuses i made for him, declining dinner parties and social invitations.
He hated the children having friends over and if I had a friend here, he would leave the house without saying goodbye.
He was bloody rude.
And now he is on his own. He falls out with his own friends and family.

Two issues here though.

Some people don't like socialising and that's fine.

But if he is being rude to your friends then that's unacceptable.

A lot of husbands do seem to go like this as they get older. My husband is very like this and he is being treated for depression .do you think yours may be depressed?I just manage my life around it so I always meet friends outside the home or my friends come round when he is out or I go to theirs if he's in. Sounds silly but they are used to it. It seems to work ok.

OH and I are both "anti social".

Rarely see friends, once a month if that.

Very happy sociophobes.

That's fine if you're both happy but it's bloody miserable (for both of you) if not.

My Stbxh was like that. An absolute killjoy. I knew that, but didn't realise just how bad it was and how unhappy it made me.
I am now with a new partner. The difference this makes is astonishing. DP is sociable, can hold a conversation with anybody, takes an interest etc. You don't realise just how big of a burden it lifts.

Exactly

My ex husband of 15 years was like this, he was anti social, to my friends he came across as not liking them so they rarely visited our home. I started to resent him in the end, he also was very lazy, never bothered much with making effort for me, never got Valentine's Day presents or even a card, minimal for Birthdays. I'm well rid and much happier as a single parent

He also never made effort with his friends so had none. His parent or his brothers, he'd probably not even know his nieces and nephew name and I don't think hes overly worries to meet them

I've just spilt with DP and this was a big factor.

Having to 'make an appointment' for friends and family, nobody was allowed to pop in.

Not socially anxious just a controlling arsehole.

I feel like a big weight has been lifted.

I agree - 2 issues.

Preferring his own company and being less keen on friends and going out than you is fine; being rude and 'lecturing' is not.

Either way, you may not be compatible.

Sorry for the delay. These all sound so familiar! Killjoy pretty much sums it up actually, that's exactly how it feels.

Interesting that other H's didn't bother to keep in touch with family either. I feel like he's solely reliant on me.

I agree it's two issues and both are a problem.

I find his lack of engagement with our wider lives (socially & generally) frustrating and it makes him boring to me if I'm honest.

It's not just friends thing but he doesnt do much either apart from exercise. Definitely not depressed. I had PND in the past which he couldn't understand at all.

Being rude and lecturing is ongoing. We never get invited anywhere with my friends and more and I think this is why. He's spent many an evening washing up in the kitchen ignoring our guests or giving them unsolicited advice. I still get invited lots of places though. He will also go out to the gym when we have people here!

God it's worse than I thought when I wrote it down

Write it down - sorry for all the typos

Yip my ex was like this. When I first met him and he lots of close friends he saw regularly. Obviously when the kids came along he didnt go out as much which is normal but as the years went by, he saw them less and less. Also had a weird relationship with his family which annoyed me as I don't live near mine which I hate.
He wasn't sociable with my friends and made me feel uncomfortable when they came round. He would attend formal functions with me under duress and I used to try to avoid taking him anyway. he was so critical of people he didn't know or made him feel insecure.
I'm sociable and would love to be with someone who gets together with friends and family. So he is now my ex.

It's definitely worse since having DC's
and of course life changes but his friends are still around, meeting up with or without kids just without him.

Our eldest is school aged so I guess it's been getting worse for a while.

I just don't want my DC's growing up feeling they can't have people over. I hated having people over when I was at school because the atmosphere was so tense, it felt joyless.

I have a friend like you! Tbh, her DH is tiring and patronising and whilst I really like my friend, I see her rarely because it's her and him, no choice, or neither. It's very tedious.

Beentocarlucious reading your post felt like I had written it. This is exactly the main problem to the issue that has stopped my DH and i from speaking to each other over a week now. And today is he's birthday and I didn't bother with any fuss. he's in sensitive to my feelings... and says if he can't find anything common with the crowd... he rather keep himself quite. He never keep up to times for parties, never gets excited if I am hosting people. Generally will be in a bad mood. I sometimes just want to scream... as he's side of family are all very quite and boring. Now I don't even pretend to tolerate.