My husband is anti social

[beentocarlucios]

We've been together 11 years and I find the more time goes on the more of an issue this becomes.

I'm quite social, enjoying making friends and hanging out with people. He appears social initially but actually doesn't really like most people.

What he does like is having the upper hand and lecturing people in how they should do x, y or z and tbh I find his social ineptness or different style or whatever you want to call it boring and it kind of ruins the mood.

I've tried to just carve a life out for myself separately to our marriage as I get not everyone likes being that social but even then, I feel awkward having friends over as I feel his disapproving presence on n the house puts us all on edge.

It's really starting to wear me down. I feel resentful towards him that he offers nothing at all socially. He doesn't bother keeping in touch with anyone. He works from home too so literally just see me & the DC's.

It's not just friends either. He has a massive family but doesn't make an effort with his siblings either. I don't know what to make of it anymore. He has good points obviously but this is becoming a real issue.

If he is anti social then fine, well not great but his choice.

If he is being rude and causing an atmosphere then not fine, not fine at all, he has no right to do this; I'd not live this way though with a man that was so draining and negative.

I'm so sorry to be pedantic but anti social actually means something else. Your H sounds unsociable/asocial but no anti social unless there's stuff you've not mentioned. I read on here once the analogy that an unsociable person stands in the corner at parties, and an anti social person takes a dump in the middle of the room! Sorry for lowering the tone

I hated having people over when I was at school because the atmosphere was so tense, it felt joyless.

OP, I found this really interesting. Is your relationship with your DH mirroring that of your parents?

My other half is totally anti social too especially when i have my family members in he doesnt even give them a hello and then he goes and hides in the kitchen or goes upstairs to the bedroom and then moans hes just in from work so why are they here.
Every family party invite or if we are asked out i need to go myself and he looks after the dcs.

And if my dcs have friends in he doesnt like it either.

I find it very draining and hard to live with.

Jesus user 1466, make a life without him, that's just pure nasty and ignorant!

Swidmae - it's a depressing thought to be seen as 'that' friend. I know people think he's can be a total bellend at times though, I can see it in their faces.

Adorable - His rudeness is mostly through this condescending thing he does, and being feeling slighted if people don't take to his advice. It's become much more of an issue over the last few years. I can't remember him always being like me this but I notice it all the time now.

An example is I had a friend over that he gave career advice to. She's a high flyer in her own right and didn't ask or need it, so politely ignored and carried on chatting. I can't quite put my finger on what happened but he made her feel uncomfortable and ended up ushering them out the house before we were ready. This kind of thing happens a lot - the ushering. I always feel like I've been naughty and might get told off. Which brings me to Pocket point.

I can totally see similarities in my parents. My dad can have a similar conversation style but it was my mum that caused the atmosphere in our house. 40 years in and I still can't escape it!

Psych you're completely right of course, although it often feels like hes left a metaphorical turd behind

Sorry to those who are suffering similar fates. It's so wearing, the utter joylessness.

Here is another thread about types of abusers. It's copied from a book called Why does he do that? Does anything here ring a bell? I was thinking of the Mr Right section.

I'll post more later but  Mr. right along with bits of the drill Sargent really resonate with me.

My partner thought I should read this thread as it has relevance to our relationship.

So full disclosure: I am that man, that many of you are complaining about... socially withdrawn, finding it difficult to to give time to people I have nothing in common with. I am not however depressed!

My partner and I can been together 22 years (married 16), we have 2 kids (10 & 7), and I love all of them dearly. I have my work, and my hobbies.

My wife complains about my sociability, my monosyllabic responses, accuses me of being sullen and un-empathetic. I will not deny these things. I find it very hard to force conversation. I find small talk to be utterly draining, leaving me feeling flat and worn out after 30mins.

I have no problems with the people we socialise with. I even like them. I encourage her to socialise, to go out with her friends (Covid is a bit of an issue right now though). I even enjoy them coming round to the house and spending time with us. No I don't want to do that every night of the week (and it's not practical, but weekends, sure fair enough).

So where does it go wrong?

I am very slightly autistic, it only affects my hearing... I have what is called a a disrupted modality. Which in sort means that although I have very good hearing I find it very difficult to determine between who is speaking. If there are multiple voices all speaking over each other it is disorienting, add background music (especially loud background music, like a pub) and this all becomes even harder... I have to track who is speaking by lip reading.

As a result, I'm sure you can imagine, I find enforced social situations very hard to deal with and very tiring.

I can manage these situations if I am not forced to sit, but able to come and go... doing something else periodically to get a bit of respite and perspective... Like spending 10min in the Kitchen cleaning up before going back to the conversation... like fetching drinks for people.

I find conversations difficult to keep up with because I have to work out who is talking and process what they are saying... its like reading subtitles on a film that is a little too fast.

I would have thought that after 22 years my partner would understand this. Would allow me the freedom to manage this condition. But instead, as happened recently, I am told to be more social, to make an effort... how do I explain to her that I am making ALL the effort...

Now she wants to leave me... I understand.
I might even accept it. But I don't want it. I feel unfairly treated. I feel that my effort is not recognised... and I feel that I am always the one asked to change, to make sacrifices (she would disagree, that it's likely true).

It's not all one way, my wife is misophonic (she gets the rage if she has to listen to people eating). I understand, I accommodate her condition. Why can she not grant me the same understanding?