Friends affair help!

[whattodoxx]

One of my best friends has confided in me she is having an affair with a married man. It has been going on since last year. Her husband is a good friend of mine and my husband although I have managed to avoid seeing him since I found out as I can't look him in the eye. The man she is having an affair with has a child and seems to be trying for a another baby with his wife!! My friend is also meant to begin IVF treatment soon although has claimed she is going to defer this.

I'm sick with worry about the situation I really don't know what to say I'm thinking of cutting her out but then think is she completely lost her mind and need a friend. She has also told another one of her friends which I don't know well, I was thinking contacting her to maybe try talk some sense into her! Do I stay quiet and support her or just cut her out honestly can't help but feel for her husband!!

Support your friend. Sounds like she is in a real mess and needs you.

Tell her you don't approve of what she's doing and you would not like to discuss it with her, that you are also friends with her DH and your loyalty is with them both, but you are there for her and will support her when the affair has ended.

Tell your friend this needs to stop having a affair is wrong that's someone's husband shes sleeping with
And her husband is getting hurt in the process aswell if she decides not to end it would you consider telling her husband honestly I'd want to know

I'd cut her out and tell her husband, he's your friend too, treat him like one. And the woman whose husband she's having an affair with deserves to know before she gets pregnant again!

As her hsband is a good friend maybe suggest she tells him or you will have to

Or say you cant support her in this. You'll never know if she stops seeing him

Do not tell her husband. Tell the friend to end it.

If she didn't tell her dh then I would I'm afraid, it's the dh I feel for here not your friend she's out doing whatever with a married man ffs and her dh is at home believing she cares for him.

No way would I be supporting a friend that was cheating on her dh and shagging another woman's dh no way

Tell her to end it and tell her dh, or you will.

She is treating her husband and you like shit.

Who the fuck would put someone in this position? You know one friend is cheating on your other friend.

Why didnt she keep this to yourself?

*herself

Why would you support a friend who is married and sleeping with a married man? She made the choice to do it.
Why should you keep her secrets?
I would tell the husband.

I was in this position once. To make it even more awkward she was my boss and we lived among expats in Kenya...a small community. For her it was her husband's refusal to even get tested for infertility that got her eye roving. She really wanted kids. She fell for a local who was working on a project we funded...for him no biggie as you can have multiple wives in Kenya. Eventually she did become a second wife to this guy but the first wife was the only one who ever got pregnant. She basically adopted three of their children though and that is the relationship that still thrives. She has no regrets. After her divorce (her husband never knew of the affair, easier on him that way) and marriage to the Kenyan guy they lived together a couple of years together. But then her "husband" stayed in Kenya and she came back to the states. He occasionally visits but she won't get him a green card if he won't divorce the first wife, and he won't. But she adores those three kids who now all live in the states. For them it's not strange to have two mothers.

I would not tell him. I don't think she should tell him. She should just end it, get divorced if she doesn't care for her husband, or work on the marriage if she does. If she wants kids and needs IVF it shouldn't be put off. Every month you are a little less fertile after age 35 or so.

Tell her you think she is making a tragic mistake that she will probably deeply regret. Tell her you want to support her but can't support the affair. Ask her not to involve you but let her know you will be there for her when everything falls apart.

Thank you all for the replies! I see what you are saying about mentally checking out due to the IVF I'm not sure this may be the case as I know they have been trying for many years and it must have put a strain on their relationship. Her husband is lovely although she claims she is bored. I told her to end it with him but she says she doesn't know if she can go through with it and claims she doesn't want to be on her own. I am also concerned she might fall pregnant with the other guy!

The other man claims he can't leave his family due to his child. I think my friend if just waiting to see if he changes his mind! I know I would want to know if it was me but really just don't want to hear anymore but she wants to constantly discuss things with me.

she wants to constantly discuss things with me

Then tell her straight that you don't want to discuss it with her. Tell her you think what's she's doing is disgusting, and that while you're there for her when it falls apart, you will not hear it in the meantime. Maybe point out to her what a horrible position she is putting you in given you know her husband.

She needs to shut the fuck up.

If she does get pregnant at least have the decency to let the husband know how. Don't let her pass another mans child off as his.

Your right I need to make it perfectly clear. I did say that when I first heard she even claims her other friend that knows said the same! This didn't seem to bother her as she just kept saying yes I know it's a mess, and she doesn't know what to do. Every time I hear from her I think she will have came to her senses but she hasn't!

I now feeI have lost her husband as a friend also as I can never really see them together knowing what's been going on.

I'd tell her to end the affair and you don't want to hear any more about it, or you will tell her husband. Normally I'd say keep quiet but this could have a big impact on your own marriage.that should be your prioritiyI

I told my husband he is disgusted and says he doesn't want to hear anymore. I feel terrible I told him but I honestly felt guilty just knowing. My husband met them both through me and we only ever do things as couples although he was on my husbands stag weekend away.

Tell her you think she is making a tragic mistake that she will probably deeply regret. Tell her you want to support her but can't support the affair. Ask her not to involve you but let her know you will be there for her when everything falls apart.
Like Autumn I agree with this.

Tell your friends do you don't wish to be party to details, nor will you be involved. Encourage her to end the affair, support her in doing on when the time comes.

Sometimes otherwise decent people make shockingly awful decisions. When the is all ends (and it will one way or another) she will need a friend.

I'm actually beginning to question her as a person rather than it being a case of a good person manning a massive mistake. She told me she had also kissed another very young guy recently and I'm starting to question is she seriously losing the plot or actually just a a person I know longer want in my life.

In which case you might want to start distancing yourself.

I try to be understanding and sympathetic when people make poor choices but if it's one in a long or growing line then you might be right.

That said, if she's been historically lovely I would wonder whether the stress of IVF is making her stress/emotions funny leading to some cries for attention. I don't know. It's a possibility.