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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friends affair help!

42 replies

whattodoxx · 17/06/2017 13:04

One of my best friends has confided in me she is having an affair with a married man. It has been going on since last year. Her husband is a good friend of mine and my husband although I have managed to avoid seeing him since I found out as I can't look him in the eye. The man she is having an affair with has a child and seems to be trying for a another baby with his wife!! My friend is also meant to begin IVF treatment soon although has claimed she is going to defer this.

I'm sick with worry about the situation I really don't know what to say I'm thinking of cutting her out but then think is she completely lost her mind and need a friend. She has also told another one of her friends which I don't know well, I was thinking contacting her to maybe try talk some sense into her! Do I stay quiet and support her or just cut her out honestly can't help but feel for her husband!!

OP posts:

Cocolepew · 17/06/2017 22:45

If a woman posts on the relationship board that her husband is having an affair there are no replies saying he's make a mistake all he needs is support, be there for him.
This is no different.
There is a husband, wife and a child who's life will be devastated because 2 people want a shag.

MaisyPops · 17/06/2017 22:45

That's what I mean Autumn.

It could be that her friend isn't the sort of person to be close to, but to suddenly change like this makes me wonder if the stress of IVF etc has really put a strain on her wellbeing and marriage.

Original poster

whattodoxx · 17/06/2017 22:46

I have known her for years we used to go out clubbing chatting to people etc but when we were young and single! She did cheat at the beginning of her relationship but it was very early on and I thought that would never happen once married. Her husband is a really good person and I thought she was happy.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 17/06/2017 22:47

Cocolepew
Context is different here.

If it was friend is married and is snagging her coworker just because then I think the responses would be different.

But things like infertility, grief, mental health etc can affect people in different ways. Nobody is saying it's OK, they're just saying maybe the friend really site coping and the affair is a symptom of wider issues.

FritzDonovan · 18/06/2017 00:58

She did cheat at the beginning of her relationship but it was very early on and I thought that would never happen once married. Her husband is a really good person and I thought she was happy.
Looks like she knows exactly what she's doing then. Don't ppl say that men will have an affair even if they're happy at home? Because they had the opportunity. Looks less like a case of 'snapping' after your update. She's just selfish and hasn't changed.

SandyY2K · 18/06/2017 01:59

If her husband finds out that you knew about it, he'll feel very betrayed by you as well.

Personally, I'd keep her at arms length. Affairs are such selfish things and someone always gets hurt in the end.

I really wouldn't want to be a part of it.

Why did she tell you? To cover for her? Guilt?

She just wants to cake eat. His wife and her DH are being exposed to stds and pregnancies are being planned in all this.

It's a hot mess.
Try and get her to seek counselling for herself.

user1486956786 · 18/06/2017 03:18

I don't approve of affairs but if I had a friend who was having an affair and was in an unhappy marriage / abusive husband / in process of planning to leave, I would deal with it and support her.

However if my friend was having an affair whilst married to a decent man who didn't deserve it, who was planning to have a baby with him still, then I'd be questioning her as a person and yes I think I would eventually cut her off.

Sounds as though other man has no intention of leaving his wife either, pair of selfish cowards, they are too scared to leave in case new relationship doesn't work out so are trying to keep best of both worlds!

AutumnRose1988 · 18/06/2017 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 18/06/2017 14:23

If her husband is your friend, you should tell him.

BengalGal · 18/06/2017 15:49

I don't think cheating at the beginning of the relationship really counts for much. They weren't married, maybe they hadn't even decided to be exclusive yet. Clearly she wasn't sure at that stage. But now she sounds a mess. Tell her you told her husband because you don't keep secrets and the whole thing bothers you so much, and it's surely only a matter of time before everyone knows. Tell her to get her butt into counseling and you don't want to hear anything more til it's over as you think she's being horrid to her husband. Tell her she's dreaming if she thinks this guy will leave his wife. She should just get divorced and find someone new if she can't be faithful.

LucieLucie · 18/06/2017 16:11

It's not your place to judge her, your not living her life and don't have a clue what she's going through.
Yes cheating is 'wrong' but life isn't black and white and people don't play fair.

She confided in you as she's obviously on the edge.

Be there for her as a friend but ask her to keep you out of it when the shit hits the fan, which no doubt it will.

AutumnRose1988 · 18/06/2017 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FritzDonovan · 18/06/2017 22:13

I don't think cheating at the beginning of the relationship really counts for much. They weren't married, maybe they hadn't even decided to be exclusive yet. Clearly she wasn't sure at that stage.
For OP to have expressed it as cheating indicates it was outside of a mutually exclusive relationship, doesn't it?

LedaP · 19/06/2017 05:31

Cheating at the beginning doesnt always mean someone will cheat further doen the line. Though i think its a good indicator.

However this woman is also cheating now. So in this case. It definitely was good indicator.

Op is friends with them both. By supporting the Op she is taking sides and will bot avoid the fall out if/when the dh finds out.

Loopytiles · 19/06/2017 05:35

If you / DH don't tell the DH then you are not actually his friend IMO.

Loopytiles · 19/06/2017 05:36

Assuming that's the case, if (understandably) you don't want to hear about her affairs, just tell her that.

TheLegendOfBeans · 19/06/2017 05:41

I had to deal with something like this once and it was horrible. I wasn't as close to friends DH as the OP appears to be here but when my friend got busted he rang me in the heat of it all. I never spoke to him, things have been awkward since, and even though they patched things up (even though she cheated on him for much longer than he thinks) I found it so hard to be around him it slightly weakened the friendship and it's near non-existent now.

Agree with the OP who said she needs to STFU: like it or not you are being involved and sucked in further each and every time she furnishes you with new info.

I wish I'd backed the fuck off when my ultimately selfish friend started with her personal crisis shagathon meltdown. It made me feel guilt by association in the eyes of her husband and - if I'm honest - it still makes me think when I see the carefully edited Instagram posts "how the fuck did you get away with it so scot-free"?

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