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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated, apparently it's all my fault!

38 replies

Hypersensitive39 · 17/06/2017 09:01

I recently found out my DP of several years has been cheating on me, he accidentally his Facebook account open and I read everything.

He told this girl he loves her and all kinds of other s#@*t, I left to calm down and he came after me to explain his side of things. He felt I'd been pushing him away to care of our very high needs baby and that I'd kept his child from him, he wanted to help but I never let him, he felt unwanted and I had done something far worse by pushing him away from baby.

Now baby needs somewhat constant attention, it's very tiring caring for her and keeping the houde clean. I'm always tired and once baby is sleeping I'm far to tired to do anything..... like sex. I've given baby to him many times to care for and he puts her down and she is ignored, she quickly becomes upset and cries so I step in to care for her, if she becomes to upset she vomits.

He knows all of this yet I'm at fault for providong the care she needs?
I feel heart broken, I can't stand to look at him now. I try to talk to him and he just blames me, how was it keeping his child from him when he ignored her when asked to watch her? Even if I'm in the wrong, how is cheating justified by what I've done?
I ask him to watch her now and he tells me that the damage between them has been done and he isn't use to watching her so doesn't know what to do.

OP posts:
NotJanine · 17/06/2017 09:04

The only person to blame is him. There is no valid excuse for an affair

I'm so sorry. He's just a selfish cunt

DoubleHelix79 · 17/06/2017 09:06

That's the world's most pathetic excuse for cheating. Throw him out and burn his stuff. If you keep him everything will always be your fault.

Quartz2208 · 17/06/2017 09:07

The damage between them is done who says that. Definitely ltb

Original poster
Hypersensitive39 · 17/06/2017 09:08

I asked him how he'd feel if it was the other way round, he told me he'd be devastated. After which he was somewhat sorry and sorry for himself, however this quickly changed back to it being g my fault. I can leave because of baby but I can't see away we can fix and move on from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hypersensitive39 · 17/06/2017 09:09

I meant can't leave cause of baby, she's high needs and poorly I can't let her get stressed out.

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 17/06/2017 09:10

Leave him.
He's not a good person if he thinks it's ok to watch you care for your child non stop and barely get any sleep, whilst he's messaging and meeting up with another woman for sex who he has feelings for. If he had any morals in him then he would know that it's a really shitty thing to do and would never have gone down that path. He would have spoken to you like an adult and explained that he was feeling a bit unwanted.
Don't be with someone who has so little regard for your feelings. The lack of respect would send me running for the hills.

Viviene · 17/06/2017 09:12

I don't agree with the whole 'it's always his fault' for cheating but actually, this time it is.

Maybe do not burn his stuff, but definitely kick him out. What an asshole! P

Botanicbaby · 17/06/2017 09:12

He sounds useless as a parent and a partner.

He has cheated and told someone else he loves her yet you're the one saying "even if I'm in the wrong..."

Er. No you're not. He's lying and manipulative to make you think it's all your fault by "pushing him away". You must know this. He hasn't made an effort to look after his own child. And he's a cheat. Ugh. Please see him for what he is and stop blaming yourself.

therootoftheroot · 17/06/2017 09:12

he's an absolute bastard
sack him

don't leave. kick him out

jelliebelly · 17/06/2017 09:13

Kick him out/leave him/whatever works but do not forgive him - no way is this your fault

Trickycat · 17/06/2017 09:22

What a manbaby. How could he treat his family like this. Just because he isn't centre of attention. I'm sorry OP, this is a horrible betrayal.

Read Chumplady please. It will help with the feelings. This is not your fault.

noego · 17/06/2017 09:25

Its called "guilt transference" don't listen to it. It is total BS. If he had an issue he should have spoken to you not run off to someone else.
It's the oldest excuse in the world. "I thought you didn't love me so...."
He is an adult and should quite simply act like one.

Limitededitionseveninch · 17/06/2017 09:37

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this. How old is your daughter? She may be high needs now but I can guarantee she won't remember this when she's older. Leave him, get to a family member's or friends and don't feel this is in any way your fault.

AguacateMaduro · 17/06/2017 09:42

Sounds like you're bending over backwards so far your back is about to break, he cheats and then tells you it's cos you weren't bending over backwards far enough to accommodate his entitlement and laziness.

I would officially split up and make sure that he takes her regularly. YOu have to be allowed to have some free time.

I have two healthy children and I@ve parented them alone and it is not easy so when the break up is being thrashed out and he's shouting for his rights, give them to him. He will learn to hold her if he doesn't want to clean up vomit.

Sn0tnose · 17/06/2017 10:03

It is absolutely not your fault in any way, shape or form. His attempt to shift the blame onto you is despicable.

I know you think that your child's health means that leaving him isn't an option, but I suspect that his behaviour is not going to get any better. If you try and fix things with him, he'll take that as a green light to have more affairs and to blame you for his inadequacies as a parent. The younger she is, the easier it will be for her to adapt to the fact that you aren't together.

A horrible situation for you to be in, I hope you start to realise that you aren't as trapped as you think you are 💐

uthredswife · 17/06/2017 10:10

I also has an incredibly high needs baby. She didn't sleep longer than 30 mins at a time till she was 18 months and slept on me and breast fed around the clock. I was exhausted and cranky a lot of time and definitely had no sex drive. My husband understood. Yes it did put our relationship under pressure but we got through it. It was a very difficult time. However he never cheated!! This is not your fault!!!!

Pinkponiesrock · 17/06/2017 10:22

My DC3 was a similar baby, I knew if I heard her start to cry I had 2 minutes to get to her before she vomited everything up! Once she started being sick it was like switching a tap on, she's still got bad reflux at nearly 5. So I feel your pain.
My DH was brilliant and would walk for hours with her as she had to be held and be upright to keep her comfortable. Your DH should have stepped up and realised that this is the baby you have and that it may not be following an preconceived ideas of parenthood but this is the way it is now and do his best to support you both.
I'd boot his ass and his sorry excuses right out the door, you're far better off without him.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/06/2017 10:26

Of course it's not your fault. Get rid.

tinypop4 · 17/06/2017 10:53

Get rid of this pathetic man, that is a pathetic set of excuses how dare he blame you.
I had a high needs baby- my dh looked after her all the time he wasn't at work, we split the. Night and more at the weekends - he certainly didn't use this stressful period to cheat on me. He doesn't deserve you

WeeMcBeastie · 17/06/2017 11:00

Definitely leave him. My EXH tried it on with one of my best friends when I was in a similar situation. I didn't find this out until after the divorce but he did confess to there being someone else not long after the incident with my friend. He blamed me for similar reasons and went on to have more affairs. If you forgive him you're giving him the message that it's ok to do this. It's not ok and it's definitely not your fault!

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 17/06/2017 11:00

I doubt leaving him will stress your daughter out at all. From the sounds of it, she's very small and has minimal bond with him anyway. There is literally no better time to leave him. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for her.

Also, let me be clear: This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Not the tiniest little bit. Yes, a high needs baby can be hard on a marriage. But people also reveal who they really are in hard times, and he has revealed himself to be a selfish, self-absorbed, entitled liar. There is no coming back from this. He's not the man you thought he was, and I'm sorry.

Chloe84 · 17/06/2017 11:21

I meant can't leave cause of baby, she's high needs and poorly I can't let her get stressed out.

But he's not helping you anyway, OP. You will be better off without him.

He's just going to stress you out with his pathetic excuses.

He's not sorry about the affair, he's sorry for himself, so will just do it again.

BengalGal · 17/06/2017 17:28

I think you will have a lot less stress with him gone. Having the affair is bad enough. Blaming you and claiming you've destroyed his bonding with your child while you are reeling with hurt from finding out is really unforgivable. I'm sorry this is happening to you. 💐

Original poster
Hypersensitive39 · 17/06/2017 20:38

Thank you all for the support and kind words, at this time we're definitely "staying together for the kids" and despite my better judgement we'recommend staying together on the conditions that:
A) he has lI'm item access to other females until proven trustworthy.
B) deletes Facebook
C) tells this other woman it's over, I had spoken to her myself but he has to do it, he's then to block her.

Hopefully as baby ages he will grow up a bit, but if he repeats this he's out on the streets and knows it!

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 17/06/2017 20:40

Yeah it's always our fault.
He sounds bloody useless and should leave.