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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont deserve sympathy but i need advice to get over an affair

26 replies

Nobody2017 · 16/06/2017 21:04

Hi everyone,

Its my first time posting on a thread and im not sure ive done it correctly. I really need advice..i have confided in my two best friends and i think even they are exhausted listening to me and trying to help me get over this.
I have been married to my husband (dont know the abbreviated terms) for 10 years, we have two children and live a relatively happy normal life. I work part time and he works full time, thats an understatement, he works 16 hour days, comes home exhausted and over the years we have grown apart. I grew up in quite a deprived home and i know deep down he is only trying to give me the life i dreamed of (which makes things worse 😔)..i have been working in the same job for four years, and whilst its not very stimulating, i have massive flexibility and work with a decent bunch of people.
This is where the fun starts (not so fun now)....i always was attacted to a coworker and i know he was to me as well, he flirted a little on nights out but it never went any further, i even warned him away the next day. But something changed last november, we started messaging as friends and both our feelings started to grow, he confided in me that he has a child and has only stayed with his partner because of the child. I told him how i was incredibly lonely and my husband would often come home crabby and cruel. I told him about my husbands possessiveness and how he doesnt like me to have friends (i do have friends regardless- he doesnt) but at the Christmas party, one thing led to another and il let you guess the rest...its been going on 6 months and its more of an emotional affair than physical as we dont get any time together. The past month he became so distant, barely replying to messages and avoiding me. I called it a day out of self respect and he seemed so relieved. I am totally heartbroken. Worst still, i have to see him every day in work. He is acting totally normal meanwhile i am a mess and i know my husband knows something is up (hes accused me when hes drunk) my husband has never been violent towards me but he has grabbed me a few times and my friends have warned me i cant tell him as they are worried for my safety. Leaving my job isnt an option as i am well paid and given so much freedom my husband will know there's a reason. Please help, im struggling to pretend to be happy when all i want to do is cry (and i know ive brought it all on myself) thank you for reading

OP posts:
LaraAxelrod2 · 16/06/2017 21:19

Nobody that sounds so incredibly hard and it is very brave of you to post.

Is there any chance of him leaving? Or if you have flexibility reducing the time you work on shift together?

I have been in similar circumstances and from reading different posts on here know all the advice to try and make things better with my husband however it is not easy. No matter his reasons for working so much I cannot put up with it much longer as life is short and he is missing his children growing up by choosing to do more work so you are not alone .

Do you have family or friends close by for support? Flowers

revolution909 · 17/06/2017 00:04

Do you love your husband and be with him? I think that's the first question to answer

Guavaf1sh · 17/06/2017 00:12

It sounds tough - you're very brave for posting that. You need to fix your marriage if it is worth saving or leave it if it is not. Don't just settle into your old routine- it isn't fair in your husband or you. Revolution is right

lostpigeon · 17/06/2017 00:32

it's ok for having an affair, you are female

user1486956786 · 17/06/2017 01:31

I guess you have to treat it like any other break up, only time will help you to heal. Believe it or not you will eventually get there. Throw your energy into something else such as exercise. Once you start feeling better and overcoming it then you need to really start looking at your marriage.

You can't get over this man and try to repair marriage at the same time.

One then the other.

MortificadoBat · 17/06/2017 01:55

What is brave about this post?
You have had an emotional affair. Do you want to stay with your husband? He deserves to know what has been going on.
The other man has fed you a line about only staying for the child. Do the right thing and discuss with your husband or leave.

PollytheDolly · 17/06/2017 02:00

Tell him. If you want to stay in the marriage and move forwards, you will have to talk.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2017 02:25

I think the most important issue at hand is what you want to happen with your marriage. Do you want a divorce, or do you want to try and make it work?

Userr123 · 17/06/2017 06:54

I literally could have written this, all except for the abusive husband and bring desperately unhappy part, I happy in my marriage, however when my (largely emotional) affair ended, I feel so hurt and lost too.
How we were so very close, and now he's just not interested, and I find it so hard to understand how he could just turn off his feelings. I see him regularly (once or twice a week) and although we chat ok as colleagues, there is such a void to me from the closeness we used to have.

iamavodkadrinker · 17/06/2017 07:27

You've massively minimised what you've done for a start. And come up with a list of reasons why it's ok really. Leave your husband - he deserves better.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 17/06/2017 07:47

Leave, your husband deserves better. Maybe then he can find a partner that isn't unfaithful and doesn't expect him to work himself into the ground to provide for her.

Your post is all woe is me, there's no regret for cheating whatsoever.

ladymariner · 17/06/2017 07:52

If your job is so well paid that you can't leave, why is your husband having to work 16 hour days to provide for you?

Snorktasia · 17/06/2017 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snorktasia · 17/06/2017 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RottenTomatoes959 · 17/06/2017 08:35

Do not listen to the posters telling you to tell your husband. Your friends do not fear for your safety for nothing. They'd know a lot more of what he could be capable of then any strangers on here.
In saying that though,you had an affair and thats not ok. If you truly loved your husband you wouldn't have and tbh you shouldn't be with someone anyway who has the strong possibility to turn violent. Cut him loose.

pieandchips10 · 17/06/2017 08:40

Sometimes the OM gets scared of the relationship and his feelings and withdraws given that neither are available. We shouldn't always assume the OM is just in it for the sex or playing around, he may also be hurting from it all. Of course this doesn't detract from the issue with the DH and if you want to be in the marriage. Not an easy situation, hope with time things get easier and you get some clarity.

Fishface199 · 17/06/2017 08:43

Reality dose needed....

You've been an idiot. Class A, first class, gold medal idiot.

OM wanted to fuck you and chuck you. He did exactly that (except he didn't have the balls to chuck you, he just went quiet- a coward as well as a sleazebag ). Why you are getting so sentimental about this dickhead is strange. You should be pissed off. OM has fed you a line to get a few shags. You fell for it and ruined your marriage in the process. Now pining over some sleazebag who has treated you so appallingly is a complete waste of time.

I'd now sort out whether you want to leave your marriage and job. Excuses about finding another job are just that, excuses. If you are highly paid you must be highly skilled so imagine some companies would snap you up.

Cut all contact with OM and sort yourself out and move on.

Fishface199 · 17/06/2017 08:48

Sometimes the OM gets scared of the relationship and his feelings and withdraws given that neither are available. We shouldn't always assume the OM is just in it for the sex

Bullshit. Scared of his feelings?! If a guy likes you he won't just disappear after he has had a few shags. It's this type of deluded bull people having affairs tell themselves to avoid the truth that the majority of times they are being used for sex.

pieandchips10 · 17/06/2017 08:50

That's rather harsh fish face. I'm sure the OP is well aware of what she's done and is looking for support. Don't assume all men are just after one thing.

BengalGal · 17/06/2017 09:29

Don't listen to people criticizing you. I'm sure you are doing that more than enough yourself. You came here for support. Of course it was a dumb move to have an affair, but you are hardly the first person to do that.

I think it is best to look for another job. Once you find one you can think of good reasons to move.

Try to remind yourself this OM is an ass who used you or who was ok with having an affair with a married woman. Not someone to waste tears over. He probably is a lot closer to his partner than he said.

Don't ever tell your husband unless you are sure you want to end the marriage. Even then I wouldn't. Too hurtful.. The affair happened because of problems in the marriage. So that's what you have to work once you are clear if you want to try or not.

Once you are no longer attached to the jerk you can decide. In the meantime maybe some weekly counseling?

MyheartbelongstoG · 17/06/2017 10:52

You'll get lots of support here op for having an affair.

Original poster
Nobody2017 · 17/06/2017 11:21

Im so sorry if i offended anyone, i can assure you i dont feel self pity at all. I feel horrendous and would give anything to rewind the past six months and commit myself to my marriage. I am a decent person and have never done anything like this before, my friends were completely shocked when i told them. I was just hoping if someone had been in a similar position before they could advise me on the coping with the guilt and the emptiness

OP posts:
NearlyFree17 · 17/06/2017 14:19

Your husband has "grabbed you a few times" Sweetheart that IS physical violence towards you. That is not acceptable. Does he intimidate you in other ways?

I'm not saying it's ok, but there is always a reason why people have affairs. You need to take some time to think about the reasons why you did this and whether your marriage is fixable . Yes the affair was a mistake but it is telling you that there is something wrong in your life. Would you be able to see a counsellor to have some non-judgemental space to talk it through.

theredjellybean · 17/06/2017 14:48

you have my sympathy

ignore anyone preaching about right or wrongs...

I am more worried about your husband and you...he is possessive and has grabbed you a few times...you had an affair ( emotional or otherwise) implies something is missing in your marriage.

Do you want to stay married ? was the affair a symptom ?

I would suggest you find a councellor and talk this through, and when i was in the same situation ( trying to hide a break up from husband and kids) i took up running...i ran and cried...and raged and had conversations with my affair partner in my head...it really helped 'get it out of my system'

but i do recall those first few weeks were hell

theredjellybean · 17/06/2017 14:50

i also used to go for long walks so could cry....and i read the chimp paradox ...which helped greatly.

I cannot help with the guilt..i didnt feel any. sorry but thats the truth.

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